The 'Drunk Texts' I Send When I'm Depressed
Anyone who is close to me, who I talk to normally, knows the reality of my “drunk texts” a.k.a. “depression texts.” I am referring to these texts as “drunk texts” because people have experience with “drunk texts” and if they haven’t, well, I am sure they have heard stories.
When I get into a low, I tend to be open and honest with those I trust and am close with… This can cause a great deal of relief and stress for me. While I am being open, allowing myself to be vulnerable to all the possible outcomes of opening my heart and mind up like a book, it is a form of release and relief. Venting about the things that go on in my head, no matter how irrational they can be, helps me to see more clearly, lets me know that someone cares enough to listen to me and be there for me and allows me to get a great deal off my chest. It is heartwarming and rather helpful to me.
It isn’t all positive though. It can turn ugly fairly quickly. Have you ever had an experience with an ex or heard stories of ones who will text you when they are drunk? You know, messages after messages, not giving much time for responses, confessing their love and apologies, begging you to forgive them and take them back? Well… different topic but same scenario. Those are my “depression texts.” I sometimes get out of hand with them. I tend to spill my guts. Before I think, I have already hit that send button…
I stay in the first apologizing stage for a little while. The other person tells me it’s fine and we continue the conversation… but then I go again, message after message. I start over-explaining how I feel, then go into the irrational feelings my brain is putting on me, then I attempt to explain those feelings as most people just do not understand. There is a constant fear of being told to “suck it up,” “get over it,” “you just need (fill in the blank).” In an attempt to ensure I do not get these responses, I find myself sending message… after message… after message… In an attempt to help people understand, in an attempt to validate that my feelings are real, in an attempt to avoid being judged and rejected. I do this all while unaware that I am doing this.
My lows keep me from knowing exactly what I am doing, what all I am saying, how much of it I am expressing… How annoying I can be and probably am… Now, instead of heartwarming, it turns gut-wrenching.
When the conversation ends, I feel exhausted. I feel as if I have run a marathon, I feel as though time flew past me faster than I could comprehend. Keep in mind, these conversations usually occur late at night into the early hours of the morning (the same time “drunk texts” usually occur). I eventually fall asleep… Morning comes and it isn’t welcoming at all.
When I wake, I check my phone. There it is. The conversation(s) — the “depression texts.” There is now a sick feeling forming in my stomach. I put my phone back down and lie there… “What have I done?,” “What was I thinking?” I tend to shy away from talking to the same people that I just exposed myself to. If they message, I am short with them, out of complete embarrassment.
Then, the second stage of apologies sets in: “I am sorry about last night.” “I am sorry for everything I said earlier.” “I am sorry for telling you all my problems last night.” “I am sorry for being a problem.” “I am sorry for all of my complaining last night,” etc. The list continues… I feel sick, embarrassed, and most of all, I feel stupid. It even gets to the point where the next time I see someone in person, I tend to not be able to look them in the eyes as the flood of those “depression texts” swarms my mind and I fear they are thinking about them as well when they see me. This sort of thing is reoccurring. It happens more than once with normally the same people. It isn’t something I “get over” quickly or become “normal” towards. It is always the same cycle. Once it starts, the outcome is always “depression texts.”
With all of this being said, I do want to thank those who have stuck around with me through all of the good and the bad. I want to thank those who have put up with my “depression texts” and reassured me that it was nothing to be sorry for or be embarrassed about. Thank you to all who have helped, even with simply being an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on. I may apologize profusely for it — every time — but I will never be able to express my gratitude for you enough.
For those of you who are on the receiving end of these “depression texts,” please do not judge someone who is being open to you, even if you do not understand. You could be the person who saved their life by merely being an ear to them, for just listening. It isn’t easy for some to open up, so please, if someone does, just be a nonjudgmental ear for them or shoulder. Sometimes we do not need “answers” or a “fix,” a lot of times we just need a friend.
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