When Anxiety Consumes You Completely

I feel like I’m sitting on the edge of a cliff. Constantly on the brink, just waiting to fall. Figuratively, below me is death, and behind me someone has a gun to my head. I can’t move, I’m frozen.

If I close my eyes and breathe — just breathe — maybe it will disappear. If only for a second. But as soon as I open them, I’m back on that edge, and the anxiety comes rushing back. The panic, the racing thoughts, the knot in my chest that won’t leave. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I’m just stuck in this eternal hell.

And I know what to do when my anxiety gets worse. I even know what’s causing it. The flashbacks, the trauma, my mind has decided to unblock. I didn’t get a choice, I don’t choose to live like this. In fact I try everything to try make it better.

Meditate. Ground myself. Breathe. Allow myself to feel. It’s OK to feel, even if I fucking hate it. I just want this feeling to go away. But breathe. Allow it to be. It will pass, maybe not now, maybe not soon, but eventually it will pass. I keep reminding myself it’s OK, that I can get through this. I have before and I will now. But none of that makes it any easier. 

Anxiety this intense is all-consuming. It freezes my life, and takes over. I don’t feel like I have any control. I know what to do, I know how to survive, but doing this alone is hard. More than anything I need support. I kind hand, a listening ear or someone just to sit with me as I want to scream in fear. So if someone you know or love has anxiety, understand they are doing the best they can and a little support goes a long way. And if you struggle with all-consuming anxiety, be still and know you will be OK, maybe not now, but eventually it will pass and you will be able to breathe freely again.