What It's Like to Be Sick on Your Wedding Day

I was never one of those girls who dreamed of her perfect wedding. I had no grand aspirations of taffeta or tiaras. Until I was in my 20s I honestly thought marriage just wasn’t for me because I wasn’t interested in a diamond ring. Then I met my husband and it seemed silly not to be married to him. He was my other half and a wedding was something I could get through if I got to be married to him forever.

At first, we tried the whole “small ceremony” thing and we even thought a courthouse wedding was the way to go, but you see, we missed one crucial fact when considering all of this — I’m Italian. My “immediate” family already put our guest count over the 100 mark and you don’t quite know the wrath of Italian families until you’re trying to plan a family event like a wedding. I was coerced into a larger wedding than I ever would have picked out with the final piece of the overwhelming puzzle being my grandfather’s wish to see at least one of his grandchildren get married before he died. Try saying no to that one.

So we did the wedding thing. Our way. We invited everyone we needed to but we held it in a bar that served amazing food, we had a murder mystery party instead of a rehearsal dinner and I, the coldest girl in any room, took pictures in the snow.

There was another reason I didn’t want to do the wedding thing though and that had less to do with my aversion to all things bridal: I didn’t want to be sick on my wedding day. Going to other people’s weddings was a pain on its own and I could leave those early. That’s apparently less acceptable when you’re the bride. I put that to the back of my mind though and hoped for the best leading up to the big weekend. And then the morning of my wedding came and I was holed up in the bathroom hurling up stomach acid.

They say brides get nervous stomachs, sure, but I wasn’t nervous at all. If anything, I was straight-up annoyed that this was happening. I had shit to do, places to be! My wonderful bridesmaids and pseudo-bridesmaids swung into action though. They performed tasks I don’t think you’ll find anywhere on any “list of bridesmaids’ responsibilities.” Even my poor bridesmaid Brittany, who can’t even stand the sound of people brushing their teeth, stoically continued to talk to me and receive instructions as I hurled. My maid of honor Jess was a superwoman coordinating everything that needed to get done without the bride ever leaving the bathroom. Good friends are hard to find but friends who will stand by you while you’re making the sounds that I was are like finding buried treasure.

We had to reorganize the hair appointment so that the mothers went first instead of me because we were running a little late. Besides that though we got out of the house in one piece with a bucket in the passenger seat, just in case. My mom kept saying “they can’t do the wedding without you” but that really didn’t make me feel better about being late to the one day you’re supposed to have your shit together. Mornings are the worst for me though so I knew I just had to get past this little part and it would be smooth sailing. Or so I hoped.

My one goal was to not puke once I got in my dress. I did not want to deal with whatever nightmare would ensue as I tried to balance a veil on my head and not get anything on a dress that I definitely could not kneel on the floor in. So I put it off, I put it off until the very last possible second.

I even went into the bathroom and tried to psych my stomach out. “Alright dude, I need you to work with me here. Get everything out now and I’ll really, really appreciate it.” *gurgle* “No really like we don’t have time for your shit today.” And like a miracle (or through sheer vengeance of my stomach) I puked in that small bridal bathroom with the sickeningly pink decor. “Good job,” I said to my stomach while realizing I had officially hit new levels of crazy.

I put on my wedding dress and had all the touch ups done I needed. The makeup artist gave me extra lip gloss as she simply couldn’t believe I had already managed to lose it. Yeah, you go and try to keep makeup on while you puke and see how it goes, I’ll wait… Not that easy, huh?

Once I was properly painted, froo-frooed, and dressed in white we made our way to take pictures in Airlie Gardens before heading to our venue, Front Street Brewery.

Things I’m Proud of About My Wedding That No Other Bride Is Proud About:

1. I did not slip on ice while walking out to our frozen tundra of a photo shoot.

2. I ate a whole half of my plate of dinner, which I think is a record even for brides who don’t hate eating.

3. I managed to dance with my dad and my husband without screaming in pain.

4. I did not leave early.

5. And, I did not puke while wearing my wedding dress.

Of course, I waited about 45 seconds after getting out of lace before finding the nearest bathroom, but that’s beside the point. The point is that not every girl has an idea of what her dream wedding day will be like and sometimes dream wedding days don’t sound like everyone else’s but they’re still magical all the same. Thank God for small miracles, and I’m not talking about this Liz Lemon getting married.