The Word That Hurts Me the Most as Someone With Depression

I haven’t blogged in a while. Work has been super busy, and I’ve been keeping my head above water fairly well. I’m in a job I love, working towards my dream career and even have time to read and get back into running. Life is good — mostly. I’ve noticed recently though a lot of people are making off-the-cuff comments to me, things no one else would think twice about but hurt when I hear them. The most common word used to describe me in these comments is “too.”

You’re too emotional.
You’re too loud.
You’re too excited.
You’re too invested.
You’re too dramatic.

Too. Too. Too.

This word hurts me and I’ll tell you why. I’ve been battling multiple mental illnesses for years, mainly anxiety and depression with a few other things mixed in. As most people know, the main symptom of depression is feeling nothing. Its not the only symptom but it is the most common and, in my opinion, difficult one. People who have never had depression think it’s about feeling sad all the time, but it really isn’t. It’s feeling absolutely nothing for days, weeks, months at a time.

No joy, no fear, no pain, nothing at all. It’s like your feelings have switched off and there’s nothing you can do about it. Things happen to you and around you and you know you should find it funny, or sad, or annoying, but you just don’t. It’s like when you’re in a dream and you feel like you’re watching your life from the side lines. Nothing gets through the fog and all you want to do is sleep because that’s the only time you get a break from the endless pit that is your own mind.

So imagine coming out of this fog and finally feeling again. You can laugh again and get excited for things. You can cry real tears and be irritated by little things again — just like a “normal” person. Finally, the light is shining on you again and you breathe a sigh of relief. This episode of depression has lifted and you can finally be you again.

And then imagine being told you’re doing it wrong. You’re too emotional when you think a little boy in your care is being alienated. You’re too loud when you try and tell a story you found funny. You’re too excited when you burst into the quiet staff room with news. You’re too invested in the lives of the children you care about every day. You’re too dramatic when you try and make people laugh by exaggerating a silly incident on the train. You’re too much.

Too. Too. Too.

It hurts. When you finally are happy enough to laugh at yourself, or be passionate about something, or cry over how unfair the world can be, only to be told you’ve gone too far the other way now and are over-feeling. I’m never one to do things with half the effort I guess. I’m an all-or-nothing kind of girl. I’m accepting that about myself, but hearing others comment on it hurts me.

Maybe it shouldn’t but it does — and no one gets to tell you what hurts you. You don’t have to explain it to anyone, if it hurts you, then you don’t have to explain it to anyone.

So the next time you are going to tell me, or someone else, they are too much, think about your words. Maybe I am too emotional because I am passionate about making the lives of the kids I work with better. Maybe I am too loud because I’m trying to tell you that you are not really hearing me. Maybe I’m too excited because I am having a really good day after surviving a really bad one. Maybe I’m too invested because I want to make a difference in the world. Maybe I’m too dramatic because I’m secretly asking for help.

Perhaps you will see, just for a minute, how happy I am to be feeling again.