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What I Really Needed When I Was Feeling Suicidal

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Editor's Note

If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741741.

I sat on the bleachers, staring at the baseball field. It was after 10 p.m. and silent. Just me and my thoughts. I’d just had an outburst at my husband and stormed out, leaving him stuck at home with our sleeping kids and unable to follow me.

I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do any of this anymore. Everyone would be better off if I was dead. This hurts too much.

My thoughts were my worst enemy and tonight, they were about to win. Every part of me wanted to run and never stop running. How do I run from my thoughts, though? The only way to make them stop was to end it. I truly believed it. I took a deep breath right as my phone chimed.

“Please tell me where you are. I will come right to you.”

It was one of my best friends. I almost closed the message. There was no way he could help me. There was no way he could make this pain go away. I stared at the message for a few minutes before blinking back tears, typing my location and hitting send.

A few weeks later, I stood in my son’s bedroom on the phone with another friend. I was telling her how much I was struggling. She listened and then I heard her take a breath.

“I am very worried about you. I think you need to go to the emergency room and let them know how you are feeling. If not, I am worried you will end up dying and I love you too much to let that happen.”

I told her all of the excuses why I couldn’t. She told me all of the reasons I should. I went to my husband in tears and told him how scared I was. He dropped everything he was doing and held me. He told me how much I was loved and how proud he was of my strength. About an hour later, I was walking into the local hospital with my husband and being placed on a psychiatric hold.

I didn’t need someone to have all of the answers. I didn’t need someone to fix all of my problems. I just needed someone to care. Someone to fight by my side. Someone to help me fight the thoughts in my head. All of these people felt they weren’t doing a good enough job when, in reality, they were doing exactly what I needed: loving me in my darkness. Surrounding me until I could see the light again. Giving me strength until I could be strong on my own. All of my problems are not fixed, but at least I am still here in order to have a chance. Mental illness is an isolating thing to deal with and sometimes my own mind will convince me I am not loved enough to stay alive. I am not loved enough to fight. I am not loved enough for anyone to care. That is when I need someone to show me otherwise.

I will always be thankful for the angels sent to me in my struggle. Their love for me showed even when they did not know the right words. They saved my life.

Photo by luizclas from Pexels

Originally published: January 29, 2019
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