What You Don't Know About the Girl Who Always Has Her Headphone In

Yes, I’m one of those so-called millennials who always has their headphones in and their phone close by.

I know it seems rude. I’ve been told so numerous times. But this isn’t a simple “phone addiction.” I can live without my phone and it wouldn’t bother me to not have it on me.

The thing I can’t go day-to-day without is distraction.

A phone is just a socially acceptable tool to use for to distract myself.

But from what? My feelings.

I’ve been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, an eating disorder and childhood trauma that causes me to feel intense emotions and seek out unhealthy coping mechanisms to cope.

Ever since I was young, for whatever reason, I’ve been really invested in music. One of my favorite things to do was sit in my room with my toy dogs and music on, just acting out songs. I’ve never felt fully comfortable in silence; in fact, when I was learning to drive, I struggled to focus unless there was music in the background. More so, it just made me feel better to have music around. So when I had a year’s worth of really dark days, that’s what I clung to. I found it to not only be soothing, but a way to manifest those hard-to-process feelings.

See, not all of the songs I listen to are what you call “soothing.” There’s a lot of music I listen to because it’s confronting. As counterproductive as it may seem, harsh themes can help me deal with my own dark emotions. Knowing someone else has felt the same way as I do gives me hope. And seeing the artists that have gone through so many battles coming out the other side makes me feel like maybe I can too.

So of course, I use this sort of coping tool often; after all, it’s acceptable.

But maybe not.

People have told me that I need to be in the “real world,” that it’s rude to block out the world like that, that I should listen and savor what’s going on around me. And I… don’t have an argument for that. I know that I should be present, I want to be present and savor my day-to-day life. But sometimes I can’t. It’s hard for people to understand it because it’s assumed to be an obsessive thing done out of enjoyment. But I don’t always enjoy it; sometimes it’s the only thing that lets me be in the moment, and lets me control my emotions enough to not break down.

Sometimes I have to block out the world.

Yes, I think most people listen to music a lot because it’s something that brings them joy. It does for me too. Just quite a lot of the time, I’m using it to cope.

So please don’t tell me I’m rude for not “being in the moment;” I’m simply trying to get through this moment so I can experience many more.