What I Mean When I Say I'm 'Addicted' to Self-Harm

The NHS defines addiction as “not having control over doing, taking or using something to the point where it could be harmful to you.”

I have engaged in self-harming behaviors for about five and a half years. The last time I harmed myself was over six months ago, but the last time I thought about it was today. I suppose that means I do have control over it because I haven’t done it. But until recently, it has been something I have been completely unable to control — harming myself multiple times a day, sometimes in a ritualized manner, only receiving momentary relief, thus meaning the urges return.

I suppose what I mean by “being addicted” is that I am addicted to the urges, rather than the behavior itself. They’re a physical sensation that tells me I need to self-harm — something that doesn’t go away until I relapse. In the 15 months from June 1, 2015, until September 20, 2016, I ignored this sensation until it all got too much and I hid in the school toilets and harmed myself.

The thing about addiction is that you don’t have control over it. You don’t get to decide to harm yourself again once you’ve relapsed. Just as much as you think you can just make it “one more time,” as if it can be treated like a weekend away… as if a person depending on alcohol can have just one drink. As soon as I relapse again, the addiction and urges are stronger than ever and it very quickly spirals into automatic behavior.

The thing is, this is something no one quite understands unless they’ve been in this situation; how can you be addicted to harming yourself? It’s the rush of endorphins providing momentary relief from the pain and numbness that is depression. The physical ache of urges is something that can’t be easily explained — like a heavy weight in my chest that never really leaves, telling me I need to harm myself, even with no trigger.

When I say I’m addicted to self-harm, I suppose what I mean is: it is something I always crave. There isn’t a day that goes past without thinking of harming myself and without an internal dialogue of the addiction trying to convince me to relapse. This urge does not go away, no matter how long I can ignore it for; no matter how much “control” over it I appear to have.