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How Borderline Personality Disorder Makes Me Want to Self-Sabotage My Relationship

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Have you ever been so in love with someone you thought to yourself, “This is the one. This is who I’m meant to spend the rest of my life with?”

You know, the butterflies in your stomach, can’t breathe without you kinda love?

Well, that’s how I feel. But at the same time, I want to run away. Confused? Let me break it down for you.

Every time I get into an argument with my fiancé, I have this gut-wrenching feeling that I can’t fight the urge to self-sabotage the best relationship I’ve ever been in. It’s like the words come tumbling out of my mouth and I can’t stop them.

“I’m leaving! Im done with you!”

The words are like a slap in the face to my fiancé, but I say it every damn time. And every damn time, I see the look of hurt come across his face and I instantly regret it.

I feel myself split. I’m no longer the calm, bubbly Miranda I was five minutes ago. I am full of hate, built up rage and remorse.

When a fight emerges, my mind doesn’t know how to respond properly. Someone who doesn’t have borderline personality disorder (BPD) could easily sit down and talk things out, as many of our fights are over something I blew way out of proportion.

But because of abandonment issues and feeling as though he will be the one to leave, I say it first. In my head I’m thinking, “Well, he can’t hurt me like the rest if I leave him first.” Although my heart says otherwise.

My heart doesn’t want to leave. My heart knows this man is the only one who understands me, as he too has the same disorder. He is the only one who’s ever felt like home. I don’t want to lose him or our family. I don’t think about that when I split and become the ruthless bitch I become. I think about all the times he’s hurt me and amplify it by 100. I tend to pack my things and wait for him to come barging in begging me to stay. For him to feel how I’ve felt before.

Then I come back. My old self returns, the rage subsides and I am ashamed that I would ever try to hurt him — that I would rather leave what we have worked so hard for than simply communicate my feelings.

In having many of these “fight-or-flight” episodes, I have come to learn that simply stating, “I don’t know what’s wrong” is a game changer. It is far easier to work with than screaming, fighting and packing my things when, in reality, there’s no reason to.

Communicating can be difficult when you’re in the midst of what I like to call a “BPD rage fit.” Learning and understanding not everyone wants to hurt us is a huge step forward to maintaining a healthy relationship while dealing with the roller coaster of having BPD.

We don’t always have to run, especially when we have found our safe place — our go to.

Getty Images: Victor_Tongdee

Originally published: October 10, 2019
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