I'm Constantly Aroused -- And No, It's Not As Great As You Think It Is

By Kacreasa Wagner

Persistent genital arousal disorder. Just the name of it can trigger snickers and comments from family, friends and even doctors.

Tell someone you are aroused 24/7 and people think you either need to “get laid” or are a nymphomaniac. Guys joke about how they wish their wife would catch it. Doctors, who are not aware of this rare condition, question your mental health.

PGAD is an agonizing physiological condition that disrupts every aspect of your life. This arousal is unwanted, intrusive, and disruptive. It is not due to any normal sexual thoughts or stimulation. Because it is rare, many women (and men) have suffered for years, even decades, in silence due to fear and shame.

Sex and sexuality can be a complex and confusing subject, especially if you’ve experienced sexual trauma. I’m a 52-year-old bisexual woman. I used to love sex with my partner and alone. It was fun and enjoyable. Like most, I had trauma and things happen in my youth. I dealt with them through therapy and moved on.

Most of the day, my PGAD exists at a low roar. Staying busy helps. I joke and laugh about it as much as possible. Like restless leg syndrome, PGAD generally gets worse at night. I cannot sleep because my discomfort and tension have been raging for the last six hours. I try to focus on a movie, but sitting makes it worse. I try to work on a hobby, but again sitting makes it worse. I stand in the kitchen, but I have myasthenia gravis and being on my feet plus the constant physical and mental stress makes my weakness and fatigue worse. I can’t lay down because that makes it worse too.

PGAD makes everything feel heightened. It’s similar to how it feels when you’re sexually turned on — except I’m not. An accidental brush of my chest against a table takes me from a 0 to 100 immediately, a shocking and uncomfortable sensation. A soft kiss from my partner almost made me pass out once because my whole body arousal went from 0 to 100 in a split second.

Everything in my “body” literally screams for a sexual release. I am in a bad dream. My body rocks and pulsates almost unconsciously to some ghostly stimulation. I am not actively thinking about anything sexual. I’m exhausted. I just want to rest and watch something to distract myself from these sensations.

I try and stop the waves by tightening my pelvic floor so hard that I am tense from my shoulders to my knees. I shake at times trying to fight it.

I tell it to “go the fuck away,” but it doesn’t listen. I tell god he is a jerk and not funny. I start to feel like I am being assaulted by my own body. Is this where the notion of an incubus, a demon with insatiable lust who preys on women, came from? Two hundred years ago, did they think women with PGAD were witches or possessed?  You start to question your own mind. You struggle with so much fear, doubt, and shame.

I am utterly alone with this beast. It grows from nagging discomfort to crazy pain. I imagine it giant and hairy, all appendages and mouth and teeth. I fight it every night hoping that tomorrow things will change. I am a victim and a warrior. I fight in the shadow of shame.

So just masturbate or have sex already, right? Not that simple. I like sex and used to have no issue orgasming. Once I had one, I was satisfied for days.

Since PGAD, my orgasms are hard to attain and ineffective. It takes a lot more intense vivid fantasies and sometimes pornography to reach climax. It’s like a firecracker that turns out to be a dud. All the build-up and the payoff is barely noticeable. If I’m lucky, it brings the overall intensity down enough to fall sleep.

On this particular day, I masturbated at 4 PM and 7 PM, and still, my body is screaming for a release. All this frantic sexual focus can put me in a weird headspace, bringing up even more feelings of shame. I’ve had nights this bad 20 out of the last 60 days. The other 40 were still pretty shitty. It’s a lot to go through physically, mentally and emotionally.

I have doctors looking at possible causes, but nothing has been determined. I’ve met others who suffer from PGAD in online support groups and have found some treatments that work, so I still have hope. My partner and two closest friends know about my condition. You have to share it with someone, it really does help.

I am choosing to shine a light on my shame so that some scared person who thinks they are sick, perverted, weird or crazy knows they are not alone. You are not the only one, you have a physiological condition. Hang on because there is hope.

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