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To Those Who Question the Value of My Life During COVID-19

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The presence of COVID-19 has been a strange, somewhat surreal experience for most people I have spoken with. I think there is genuine confusion about how we should respond as average citizens to a crisis of this magnitude. There is, however, a varying uniqueness added to this reaction when you are someone who was already sick before this came around.

I have been chronically ill since childhood; I have no real memories of what life was really like before my first diagnosis. Being the “sick kid” is an identity I grew up with. There is an existing stigma about having an illness, a reaction of being lesser than your healthy peers. I had always been aware of this, but COVID-19 is the first thing to bring about a public acknowledgment of these sentiments. When the government began speaking about the surge, it was evident that we were in danger of having a lack of equipment throughout the country. Then it happened. Officials stated who the priority patients were, and for a moment, I felt like I could not breathe, like the world was spinning because I knew I would not be considered a candidate for this life-saving equipment.

I certainly do not blame officials for stating there would be a process in place to determine who would get the opportunity to fight for their lives and who would not. It is an impossible philosophical question that is being presented in front of us right now. But here is my question: how do we determine who has more of a right to life than someone else?

To be honest, I have no clue how to answer my own question. I have thought about it quite frequently in recent days and, to be quite honest, I am not sure who I would choose to save. If it came down to myself and another, would I choose to save myself?

Here are the facts: I have multiple incurable and progressive chronic illnesses. None of these conditions have cures. There are only options to treat some of the symptoms caused by the conditions; there has yet to be a true treatment. I take medication like clockwork four times each day to stay alive, I have significantly more medical equipment than all of my grandparents combined, and I cannot drive which means I am reliant on the assistance of others.

However, those are not the only facts. I am also 21 years old and am currently at the end of my junior year in college. I will be graduating next spring with honors and have been on Dean’s list every semester I have attended my university. I work two jobs on my college campus which have both allowed me to hone and foster my skills. I plan to continue my education in leadership after obtaining my MBA so I can become a professor. I am highly active in the world of volunteering, spending time routinely assisting at my local food pantry. Most recently, I have made and donated over 300 masks, completely free of charge (we asked for food pantry donations in lieu of compensation for those who insisted on payment) for people in my community, with some help from my parents and sister.

So, those are the facts. If you look at the first paragraph, one might think my quality of life is lacking, however, if you look at the second paragraph independently of the first, you might think I am thriving. The reality is that these are not the stories of two different people. Does the presence of my feeding tube mean I cannot be as happy as my friends? Does the fact that I take medication multiple times each day really need to impact my ability to be successful in the workplace?

Well here is the truth. I am extremely happy. Though my definition of a high quality of life might differ from that of someone else, I believe both opinions hold the same weight. I do not see chronic pain as a constant negative, rather just as an annoyance whose presence is always there. I do not see medication as a hassle, but a gift that I am able to obtain the medications that my body so desperately needs. I do not see my feeding tube as a negative, but instead as an opportunity to live life with a bit more comfort.

I have many things to live for. Most chronically ill people do. I am not ready to give up my fight yet. I have a sister whom I want to see grow up. I want to see her graduate from college. I want to be at her wedding and hold her first children. I want to see my parents retire and enjoy the lives they have worked so hard for. I want to continue to be able to volunteer and leave a positive impact on the lives of my fellow citizens.

If you were to ask me if I think I have a good quality of life, I would not say yes. I believe I have an excellent quality of life. To be able to wake up each day and recognize the blessings in my life, to be able to make contributions to others with no expectation of reciprocation, to be able to help a neighbor in need, that is truly living. I must say, if you measured life by these standards, I would have one of the highest qualities of life that I know.

So, now I ask you. Who would you choose?

For more on the coronavirus, check out the following stories from our community:

Getty image by weerachonoat.

Originally published: May 18, 2020
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