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The Moment From the First Presidential Debate That Triggered My Racial Trauma

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When I was executive director of a domestic violence coalition, I spoke out against a radio show host that was using misogynistic and racist language on the radio. He was livid and encouraged his followers to lash out against me. I received threats of rape, death and other violence. I was terrified. I now realize how silencing that incident was for me and how it made me think twice about speaking up in the future. I genuinely felt my life was at stake and it brought up issues from my past.

• What is PTSD?

To hear the President of the United States of America in a presidential debate say to extremist groups that he wants them to “Stand back and stand by,” scared me to the core. What did this mean for my safety and that of others like me? When one of the most powerful men in the world tells extremists to do what they have to do to ensure that he, and white supremacy, maintains power, what does that truly look like?

What does that mean for me?

I live with post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and this reminds me of not being safe in my own house. I am not safe in my own country.

As someone with PTSD I easily get triggered when I feel my life is threatened. As a child of sexual abuse, I am keenly cognizant of when I feel I am under threat. I feel at any moment that my life will be in danger and out of control. I worry that within a moment’s notice I will be attacked and once again there will be no penalty for the perpetrator. I fear these people the President has asked to “stand back and stand by.” I feel like I have a target on my back, and I have nowhere to hide.

Trump later walked back his comments on Fox News, but I am not confident after two days and many opportunities to change his tune that he was being genuine.

Even the debate moderator from Fox News conflated the issues of race and violence when he selected the topics for discussion. He did not even see anything wrong with this. There was public outcry, however.

Trump was referring to the “Proud Boys.”

They were founded in 2016 by a Vice Media executive. They consider themselves a politically
incorrect men’s club for “western chauvinists.” They inevitably moved farther to the right, especially since Charlottesville. They see themselves as an antidote to Antifa, an anti-fascist group (this is a false equivalence). The group says they condemn racism, fascism, communism and socialism.

The Proud Boys saw Trump’s comments as a call to arms.

They were even printing T-Shirts with “Stand Back and Stand By” on them. Many groups like them have taken to social media to call for a race war.

USA Today states, “The group is known for its ‘anti-Muslim and misogynistic rhetoric,’ according to The Southern Poverty Law Center, a legal advocacy organization that has designated the Proud Boys as a hate group. The SPLC has been warning about the group’s violent tendencies for years.” In Kenosha, WI, Jacob Blake was shot and injured by a White police officer; as a result there were several nights of protest, mostly peaceful. However, a 17-year-old White man, Kyle Rittenhouse, brought an assault rifle to the protest and has now been charged with shooting three people, two of them fatally.  In another example of blatant support of violence against minorities, it appears that the Trump White House has instructed the Justice Department to paint the incident in a positive light.

On September 24, 2020, Christopher Wray, the Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, said in a statement before the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee that the greatest threats to Americans are groups like the Proud Boys and other extremist groups.

This group and others like it set out to divide and conquer. They are not willing to come with a plan to negotiate a peaceful end to the violence especially when they bring an AK47 to the discussion.

When I would express to my therapist that I was scared about my surroundings she would reassure me by saying the world is not as dangerous as your childhood and growing up in your home, and that if I took care of myself I am pretty much safe. Now I am not so sure of this. Not with the racist rhetoric the President is pushing. People are very agitated and ready to carry our terrorist acts. I am in fear for my life.

I now am looking at people I pass on the street and I actively wonder if they will go off on me and attack. This has significantly raised my symptoms of PTSD. One has only to look at slavery, Jim Crow, KKK, anti-civil rights activities, over policing, sexual violence and structural violence to know that Black people have never been safe in America.

America has not historically come to our rescue. It has been the source of our struggle. This is a stain on our nation that no one has effectively eradicated but not from a lack of trying. The ACLU , The Southern Poverty Law CenterNAACP, SCLC, Martin Luther King Jr.Malcom X , Gwendolyn Zoharah SimmonsLonnie C. King, Black Lives Matter, and so many more have tried.

Many white people have joined us over the years and even played leadership roles, but there has not been any wholehearted systemic change, and this rise of the white-supremacist, Neo-Nazi groups tells us that there is deep resentment among these mainly White men that people of color are taking over and wiping them out.

I just want to exist in peace. I do not want to be triggered all the time. There are adequate resources for all of us here in the country. We can all have equal access to The American Dream and do not need to beat each other to access it. So, I and my fellow Black Americans watch in horror and pray for peace once this election is over. We all deserve that after these four long years.

Image courtesy of Getty Images

Originally published: October 5, 2020
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