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When Mania Leads to Dark and Extreme Thoughts

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Editor's Note

This piece mentions an individual’s experience with homicidal ideation. We believe it’s important to share a variety of experiences about mental health, including difficult ones that are considered more “taboo.” Please remember that people with mental illnesses are more likely to be victims of violence than violent towards others, and most people who experience homicidal ideation do not act on their thoughts.

It’s frequently talked about how great mania is. And as someone who has bipolar disorder, I’ll admit that sometimes it is. The euphoria, the loss of anxiety, the unstoppable feeling I get — it’s all really, really great. Until it’s not.

• What is Bipolar disorder?

Most recently, I graduated and started my first “big girl” job with a real salary. While I know it might not make sense to some, this triggered me into a manic episode. See, I’m not good with change, so I was expecting to struggle, but I found myself thriving. My boss was impressed by me, I was now a manager of four employees, and all of the company’s work culture exceeded my expectations. Everything was going extremely well. And because of that, mania was triggered.

See, when change goes too well, the depression that usually hits turns into mania. And I knew that, yet somehow I still didn’t realize I was manic at the time — I just thought I was living my best life. I’m usually anxious about everything and during this new experience, anxiety wasn’t present at all. I felt on top of the world. I was unstoppable. I was a great employee and things were really getting off on the right foot. I felt like I could do anything and succeed.

But as the law of physics teaches us, what goes up must come down. And this is true for bipolar disorder too.

Eventually, this manic episode that felt oh-so-pleasant turned into an all-consuming rage. All that happened was a someone close to me made a Facebook post that was invalidating to the LGBT community — a community my spouse and I are a part of and active in. The post was transphobic and when my spouse tried to defend the community, multiple people came to attack him.

In a manic state, I saw this as fundamentally wrong and something had to be done. It got to the point where I lost touch with reality and became fixated in homicidal ideation. For one ignorant Facebook post, I wanted this person dead. The thoughts were graphic, the urges were persistent and this was all I could think about.

So, my spouse got me an anxiety medication to help me calm down — something my doctor recommends I take for manic rage as well. Long story short, my usual dose didn’t work and I needed extra — which is also something my doctor approves, as long as I’m not taking an excessive amount and let her know when it happens. At the end of the day, if it comes down to going to the hospital or taking extra anxiety medication to calm my thoughts, I’d rather take extra anxiety medication any day.

Except, as I became calm, I also became mortified. I was so ashamed that I actually wanted to kill someone and the guilt set in at full force. Suddenly, as I began thinking rationally, I became aware of what a horrible mindset I was in. And while I knew it was due to my illness, that really didn’t help. I still had those thoughts. I still wanted someone dead — and fixated on it for hours. Anger still clouded my judgment and even though I do have a mental illness, I was embarrassed it had gotten that far. I had never had homicidal ideation before, so the fact that I did brought on a massful amount of guilt and shame.

Which, in turn, brought me crashing down. I went from one extreme to the other. Instead of homicidal ideation, I had suicidal ideation. I couldn’t get out of bed. I had no interest in my hobbies. And, if I’m being really honest, I didn’t want to cope with the depression. I thought I deserved it. I was suddenly a horrible person due to having such extreme thoughts and wanted nothing more than to just disappear from reality.

So, yeah. The mania, for the most part, was great. But being unable to get out of bed, having suicidal thoughts and hitting rock bottom after? That part wasn’t so great.

And when I hear people who aren’t diagnosed with bipolar disorder say, “Well, at least you get to experience mania,” I have a hard time understanding the thought process. Because, yeah, I get to experience mania, but my depression is also darker than many people could imagine when mania turns into rock bottom. And, honestly, losing touch with reality and being on the brink of hospitalization for extreme thoughts isn’t the best experience in the world. Like many others, I don’t exactly like the hospital, and the thought of going there when I think I’m thinking clearly and everyone else is just wrong is frustrating, to say the least.

I just want more people to think of that. To think about how, yes, mania can be a good experience. But, at least for me, it always turns negative eventually. Whether it’s being filled with an all-consuming rage, loss of touch with reality or the drastic crash into a depressive episode, it’s guaranteed to send my mental health spiraling in some way or another.

Just like I wouldn’t wish being depressed on anyone, I wouldn’t wish being manic on anyone either. Because, at the end of the day, the repercussions aren’t worth it. Being suicidal, psychotic, unable to get out of bed or hating the world just isn’t as fun as people make it out to be.

And after my last episode, I’m just glad I’m OK again. A lot of times, making it out alive is a win for me. So, for today, I’ve won. Sometimes, it doesn’t feel like that’s guaranteed.

Photo by pawel szvmanski on Unsplash

Originally published: February 4, 2021
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