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When Pain Starts a War Between Your Body and Your Mind

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Today I woke up exhausted and in pain. My brain, as usual when the pain gets bad, turned to depression and crushing anxiety. Thoughts like, “I cant do this,” or “I may as well give up,” or “how can I go to work today?” rush through my head. I have a rare progressive connective tissue disorder. It’s like if Crohn’s,  Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and Elastagirl had a baby. It’s hard, very hard.

Constantly worrying if I can go to work, afford my meds if I don’t work or worried I’ll get fired if I take a sick day. Scared and guilty because I have to cancel plans a lot, and feeling guilty on my days I have low pain because I feel my pain isn’t valid. It’s a war between body and mind.

Some bad pain days turn into weeks or sometimes months which leave me bedridden and angry/jealous at the world filled with healthy people. My mind goes from anxiety, to grief, to anger, to depression, then finally and most scarily, numbness. It’s when I go numb that is the worst. I feel nothing besides the pain my body creates. I have a hard time trusting myself.

When this happens, I look through old journals, memory boxes, letters, as a reminder the darkness can last a long time, but once in a while, it will end. The flare and mental anguish will end. It may not last a long time, but there will come a time where I can feel more than mental and physical anguish. So, I try to hold on. You have to hold on.

There are days I can hike 10 km, go out past 5 p.m., drink and eat with very little pain. I laugh, see friends, hug my cat, play games with my co-workers. Feel the sun on my face. I love those days and I remind myself when I am low one day I may be able to do that again. It might be harder, but I can do it.

Today, I felt the rain on my face. Felt the coolness on my skin. A different kind of sensation. I am grateful for the tiny moments. Those are the moments that help get me through. The moments I hold onto when my mind goes dark again.

My darlings who are struggling, please hold on. These illnesses are hard. The mind will play tricks on you. Your body will sometimes betray you (more often then not). So, remember, you are worthy of good things and good days. Your disorders are not your fault. You are stronger because of them. So, when your mind goes dark, remember there will be light again. It may take a while, but man it’ll be worth it. I promise you it’s worth it.

Unsplash image by Alex Boyd

Originally published: July 11, 2021
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