I suffer lifelong dysthymia and depression. Lately I cannot sleep. Nothing works. Not meds not meditation, not sleep hygiene.
It’s worsening my depression and causing me to be apathetic and just unable to function. I stopped going out with people, I’ve stopped caring about my appearance and my home because I’m just to tired to care. Narcotics have worked but nobody will prescribe those anymore. This is literally ruing my life.
This place is awful
Sometimes I’m amazed that I’m still here… alive. I hate it here so much. I do my best everyday and I am regularly getting the message of not being good enough. Someone is always suggesting that I should be different in some way instead of just being accepted. Do more, say more, be more, weigh less, speak more, be more grateful, be more social, more sexy, more accomplished, have bigger and better things. I should take more vacations, change my hair more often.
The only time I am enough is when I’m alone and that’s all I want to be is alone. I’m trying my best. I keep tunnel vision as much as possible. Keep my head down, do my work, and race home to be alone. Every now and then I take someone up on an offer to be social and 95% of the time I regret it and would be better off at home alone. The more I socialize and engage with the world, the more I wish I wasn’t here…alive. And that’s just my personal life. This nation… this world is so messed up… why am I still here. #Depression on 10
It's all coming down
* This is a long word vomit. I am sorry, but I need this out and my plea for help needs heard. Family just does not get it*
About 5 months ago I took a FMLA break for my mental health from work. My new position along with my recent diagnoses of chronic illnesses was taking its toll on my esteem and work. I put on weight from my new job, was making careless errors, and adjusting to my new normal with meds and rest, and missing my old coworkers from the other shift I was working. After four weeks I was still a mess, and my FMLA was out a week ago. I had to make a decision, and this one was a doosy.
I had to look at my new life and choose weather work could be a part of it anymore. I had been working since I was 14, that's 28 years. I worked full time and carried on getting a masters degree with my husband and three children at home. I have always worked, and when I had to take time off for recovery from surgery I went nuts at the three week mark. Now with my chronic illnesses, depression, and anxiety I must choose. I chose to stay home.
Now I am battling even more. I feel like a failure for not working, I feel worthless because I cannot get out of this, I feel worse cause I gained 40lbs in these 5 months because I cannot motivate to get out of the bed or chair. I feel like I am the worst thing alive because I cannot function like a normal adult should.
My husband says it's ok, my primary doc said take it a little at a time, my psych suggested therapy. Next I am going to my rheumatologist. Last time she harped on the weight I gained from the new job. I'm scared things are going to be worse. I don't want worse, I need better.
My motivation keeps going down each turn. What do you turn to? Does it get better? I'm in a hole and cannot reach the top! I need help.
Top 3 things I want to achieve
1 # journal- I have not disciplined myself lately. Working to get back to it, starting today.
3# Do not isolate
What is something in your life that turned out better or worse than you thought it would?
Too much grief
One of my cats died in late January. Two days later another cat was diagnosed with diabetes and glaucoma. And the cat who slept in the bed beside me got unexpectedly sick and died 5 wks later. We gave him all kinds of medicine trying to save him. It was not a peaceful death.
Now I feel my depression taking hold of my body and hurting beyond belief. I am 73 so I don’t have to go to work. I want to sleep much of the time and am sliding into a hole I can’t get out of. I wish I could disappear and get away from my thoughts. My cat’s blood is all over the charts and his back legs have no strength. There are insulins available but the fb support group says they know more than the vet. I can’t do anything and I can’t face anything. There are no counselors available anymore. I used to know how to get out of depression but I can’t get out of the hole. My cats were my world. I am too old to adopt any more as I would pass away first and what would become of them. So there is no comfort for the loss and sorrow I am in. The grief won’t let go of me.
The simplest way I think to describe how I feel is exhausted with just existing.
I put all my energy into trying to be “normal” that when I crash I massively crash!
I don’t really have anyone to confide in that understands & my partner doesn’t understand so he just gets frustrated.
During the last few years I’ve lost friendships with people that were like my life line, but turned out to be not who I thought they were.
Now I feel very isolated & wish I could just sleep to avoid reality. Help! How can I move forward as I want to do more than just exist?