#PTSD #Depr

I thought about the connection between my childhood and now. I can remember things I don't want to think about. Sometimes when it is quiet and the wind is blowing I feel the loneliness I felt as a young girl. I never felt I fit in, my family was not there for me and the kids at school reminded me I didn't have a father. His name was Darren, he loved to be mean to me. I remember another boy, Steven,## wrote a story about our school being bombed, but lucky that I ate all of them ( I was pudgy in 4th/5th grade). He said sorry later that day, but well it didn't help. The quiet on the playground after school was haunting and I do not know why. I was afraid to walk to the other end alone. I was always afraid. I was afraid to walk anywhere alone. I would hide when cars came close to me. I was always on high alert, waiting for something bad to happen. My parents divorced when I was 6 months old. My mother was a narcissistic raging women. She scared me and I was also afraid to leave her side. She was seldom there for me, she went out all the time in the evening leaving my sister and I alone. I would look outside the window in a daze of terror. I always felt the same as an animal under the spell of headlights, terrified and frozen. This is how my childhood began. Something happened that I have pushed out of my head. This was the beginning of years in various foster homes, about 8 to be exact. I have never felt safe. I try to tell myself I am but I still sometimes feel like that animal looking into headlights...I know it is over my childhood and I think I know I am safe. but I have to tell myself that all the time...Thanks for listening..

#MentalHealth