Agoraphobia

Thank you, thank you, thank you for adding this group to your myriad of others available! I need this one more than anything! #PTSD #Bipolar2 #copingskills #Depression #Agoraphobia

Hi,

It’s been almost 3 years since I wrote here, my old bio introduced me as 18 and still in high school haha.

Just a little update since then, I’m turning 21 this year and was able to graduate high school without a GED or anything like that. I overcame my agoraphobia and now enjoy going on walks. My truancy got a lot better towards the end of my senior year, being able to go a week without skipping. And my sleep schedule is back on track with the occasional staying up till 1am but still waking up at 9-10am even on the weekends.

Things are definitely a lot better since high school and since I was last on here but there is a reason why I’m here again. To be honest my therapist of about 7 years moved to a different state. I’ve been talking with a different therapist for about 3 months now but I’m having a really hard time adjusting. It feels like a lot is going on and i lost my only crutch.

Last month my grandma was diagnosed with cancer. She’s been on chemo since then and seeing her has been really tough. I’ve also been stressed because my grandma raises my 4 cousins. My uncles helped her write her will just in case anything happens but haven’t really come up with any good ways to take in my 4 cousins. My cousins told me that they’re going to get split up, my uncle want to take the second youngest because he has a disability that gets him money every month to whoever takes care of him. My cousins don’t have anyone else so i decided to get an apartment through section 8 like my mom did so i can keep everyone together but it’s been really stressful. It feels like at least every other day i get extremely stressed thinking about how this is all going to work. Lately it’s even starting to feel like I’ve been worrying over nothing..

So.. here’s the thing.

I planned to get an apartment for my 4 cousins and I or (depending on the elder cousins’s situation in the future) I get us 2 apartments, one for the eldest cousin and the other for myself and we’d just trade off the three younger cousins when we need some space. We’d both (or I) have to apply for section 8 and work jobs and we’d both (or I) have to apply for food stamps. Things would get complicated with balancing bills, dropping the kids off at school (depending on where we live), going to college and work. To be honest if this all works out I might not be able to go to college right away..

However things might be easier than i thought, I realized i’ve been trying to take this all on at once when in reality my grandma’s house will still be there. In fact, my uncles wrote my older cousin and I down as the owners of her house in her will. That means everything is okay right?

I can help my older cousin apply for food stamps so everyone can still get food and the house has been paid off for a long time now so anything like rent or a mortgage isn’t an issue. Bills will still need to get paid but maybe i can figure something out for that. Maybe there’s a government program like section 8 or something? Or my uncles maybe?

Honestly I don’t know what to think anymore. I haven’t really talked about any of this with my cousins yet but i will soon hopefully. They’ve been busy so it’s been hard to be able to talk to them about this. Plus, even though it’s been 3 years since i was last on the Mighty Im still really bad at talking to people about my problems and concerns. Im a bit better now but not anything really noticeable. I guess I’ll just keep trying though.

If you read all of this thank you, you didn’t have to but you did. It means a lot to have someone read this. Thank you so much!

I constantly blame myself for other people's actions and problems sadly

Even though that's out of my control

Just I be paranoid about What Strangers Think about me

diagnosed with Agoraphobia and Social Anxiety disorder bipolar disorder

and Generalized Anxiety disorder and panic disorder and PTSD

Not Paranoid like Having Delusions or something

But Paranoid About What people Think about me.

Like I Rarely leave my house. Because of my anxiety and stuff As usual

Not going to go in detail about Agoraphobia and Generalized Anxiety and social anxiety and etc

But the times I do leave my house I be so exhausted

But I be thinking my neighbors when they see me are mad at me or something

Like when I hear them slam the door or something

I be thinking I did something wrong to make them slam the door

Like I literally tip toe around my home because I be scared I'm being kinda loud

Even though my house is very quiet

I don't even have people over my house

Since I don't have friends and I don't leave my house which is my fault

But I literally tip toe

I'm 6'2" 225lbs but Im a bigger guy

But I literally tip toe because I just be paranoid

About my neighbors

Even though that drives me nuts with so much worrying

Like I Have a next door neighbor that plays music loud on weekends sometimes to 1 2 3 4 am sometimes

I don't personally have a problem with him playing music though

That's what works for him

Even though majority of the time I listen to music on my Noise Cancelling Headphones.

But I be thinking my neighbors are mad at me or think I'm playing that loud music

Which I'm not personally. Majority of the time I listen on my headphones which sounds like a sound system

That My Dad used to have in the trunk of his car with the DJ speakers in the trunk

Like it be so loud the car starts rattling a little.

But since I have a hard time leaving my house

I don't really go anywhere outside of food or bills or pharmacy or physical appointments

Which gets tiring and stupid but my body reacts all the time

Plus the medicine I take makes me sleepy during the day

Like If I wake up early I still feel constantly tired and end up going back to sleep

Sometimes 10 + hours which throws off my natural sleep pattern

Since the medicine helps a lot but that side effect of tiredness

Regardless of how early I take it.

But since I only be at home

I can't go to in public but private chain commercial gyms

Since it's full of people and I had a few panic attacks

And never could get a workout in so I wasted money

On a membership and I never used the gym properly the way I want

So I'm my anxiety and my brain just reacts in front of people

Headaches and temporary blurry vision and all kinds of weird symptoms

So I had to get gym equipment to workout at home

Which has been so helpful for me

Which workout at home if the medicine doesn't mess up my schedule

Since it messes up my workout schedule

Because it makes me so tired

Since due to my Agoraphobia I only workout at home

Due to my Agoraphobia and anxiety etc not leaving my house

Which causes me not to be active even though I'm a naturally active person

But anxiety is so detrimental to me physically

I was at risk of Type 2 Diabetes

since it runs in my family as a African American Male in His Late 20s Early 30s

I was at Prediabetic Range when I got blood work done

So I wasn't working out then

But I used to workout at home growing up since I had weightlifting equipment

But lost my weights in storage when my Stepdad passed away in 2015 which since I couldn't leave my house

Caused me to not be as active

Which In turn since I can't afford the best diet as well

Even though I want to eat better and I do try

Just healthy food is so expensive. When you have to consistently buy it

Especially when building muscle and stuff. Since muscle needs protein and calories naturally

Which I used to undereat throughout my 20s

Atleast protein wise.

But Working out At home

I be Very quiet working out since I live upstairs

And I have a silencing pad if I'm doing rows which I be so paranoid about me making noise

Even though I'm quiet.

I don't do deadlifts personally because it is awkward to me

But I do rows which helps my back

And I have a Silencing pad that silence all the noise

Even though I be very quiet working out

Even though my workouts last maybe at most 2 hours

But different exercises since your body can't handle doing the same exercises over and over again

Which I had to do at jobs lifting heavy loads of veggies and fruits and boxes constantly

Which I was very anxious and had blurred vision and all kinds of stuff

Panic symptoms as usual when I leave my house

And I was still trying to move those fruit barrels that at filled with water and fruits and veggies that spilled on the floor

From the work floor and having to dump that every 10 minutes

300 lb 400 lbs barrels with manual strength no pallet jack to dump it on a higher surface.

Since water 💦 is very heavy when it's compact in a tote or container with veggies and fruits

Which adds weight people don't realize how heavy that is.

Water is very heavy. And water is not compact like that it's very unstable compared to free weights.

Think of a water bed 🛏️ a water bed is heavier than the most heaviest mattress.

Water is different than air

Oxygen or air is not heavy a air mattress is very light

But water or a regular mattress is heavier

Which I had panic attacks on those jobs not going to go in detail about it

McDonald's and Warehouses and factories and goodwill and a few department stores

And adult beverage trucks I used to unload which with my anxiety

I also used to get flashbacks looking at alcohol or being around it.

But back to home workouts

Just I be scared my neighbors mad at me for working out

Even though I am very quiet and I don't work out at late at night or anything past 10 pm

Just I be anxious and thinking my neighbors mad at me even though they don't know me

Because I rarely leave my house like that

Which my neighbors kinda realized I don't leave my house Alot.

Some tried to ask me why I don't leave My house

But I was so anxious to tell them

The truth which is my anxiety and stuff.

But I just be paranoid

Because working out at home is a coping mechanism for me

I be so cautious I don't even make noise even during the day

I tip toe around my home

Which is probably weird

My neighbor's never told me they had a problem

But I guess me living with people in the past kinda give me bad memories

Of people slamming their doors because I had a hard time leaving my room

And stuff.

And I don't drink nor do drugs

Which not shaming nobody that does.

Just I have a long family history of substance abuse disorders

Especially Alcohol

So I got bad memories from family members that used to cause violent and still get nightmares about

So I found working out at home is a natural coping mechanism for my anxiety

Just I feel no anxiety after I workout

But it only lasts a hour before my anxiety comes back

But that hour after working out at home

It helps me feel so good and relaxing

Like my anxiety disappears pretty much

But after a hour slowly comes back.

But I understand some people drink and do drugs to cope with their stress or stuff

But for me personally since substance abuse strongly runs in my family

And left some bad memories

And I have a addictive personality

And sometimes substance abuse can be genetic

Since I have a family history of substance abuse disorders

Going back several generations

And I know if I try hard drugs or alcohol I might get hooked

Plus I had family members that organs like liver or kidneys and heart sadly was damaged or had health problems

And I don't want to deal with another issue on top of my anxiety and nightmares and stuff

Just working out helps and works for me

I am not doing so good. I struggle to do anything, I have been working for just over a year part time and my mental health has kept me off work for over a month. I cannot handle any demands placed on me and the mere thought of going back to work fills me with dread. I shake, cry and have constant feelings of being under too much pressure. My depression and feelings of failure is adding to my suicidal ideation. The only reason i won’t act on this feeling is because I cannot bare the thought of hurting my loved ones. I feel so much guilt over my thoughts of resigning from my job, but believe the job I do is too demanding on my mental health. I feel so sad all the time. My doctor increased my Fluoxitine dose to 60mg per day and I am on 0.5mg Chlonozepam.

Hi, my name is greeneyedrunner. Looking forward to learning more and connecting with others that have similar experiences. I have started a mental health and wellness blog that I hope helps and encourages others with their journey as well.

#MightyTogether #Anxiety #Depression #Fibromyalgia #PTSD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Agoraphobia #PanicDisorder

I’ve been so full of anxiety lately that I’m starting to develop agoraphobia. All I can say is thank God for pharmacies that deliver! 👏👏👏 #deliverymeds
#lifesaver
#Agoraphobia