Desperate much? You bet!
Today my wife and I wrote the following My Chart message to my neurologist. We are pretty sure it won't amount to anything. However, sometimes screaming into the void becomes basically unavoidable. I have been getting progressively more symptomatic and actively suicidal... This is weirdly not accompanied by persistent depression. Instead, it is mixed with these slippery changes I experience in my consciousness.
Also, I'm transgender. The fact that there are now places I can't visit unless I am prepared to deal with a legal requirment to go around upsetting women in bathrooms, is seriously upsetting me. Seriously. The fact that most people, thankfully, don't actually care about which door / doors I pee behind (ever noticed how most multyperson bathrooms do have stalls in them, and even urinals are firmly attached to a solid wall? Efectively, nobody ever needs to expose themself to anyone, of any gender.) really just makes this situation feel more socially problematic and obnoxious. Still, the fact is that I do have a female birth certificate although most people do not find that fact at all obvious (and no, I won't show my papers to random strangers and I don't enjoy drag and dressing up specially for a bathroom based audiance would be totally ridiculous).
So, on to the void screaming. I'm showing this to you in part because I hope this is not entirely pointless and in case anybody on here knows where to get actually useful, evidence based help with either highly symptomatic PTSD/ dissociative disorder that is anchored in violent (and to a certain extent ongoing) trauma, and functional nurological issues. I have heard there is such a thing as useful help for both things, but seem to have exhausted the resources I can actually locate so far:
Subject:
Not exactly non-urgent, complicated question, put briefly. This has become a marathon, not sprint. Also, it's Saturday.
Body:
My brain is "glitching" (confusion, lost time, movement issues, pain) alongside KNOWN PTSD stuff inc. medical trauma. In the present I CAN feel ok, but time gets strange. SOMETIMES I'm taking suicide very seriously. Stacked scary symptoms are near my normal. Otherwise I would think it is both my PTSD and dying of an aneurysm at once. No potential sezures yet. Last 3 times I tried ER and hospital got disastrous. No help, cardiac side effects, sexual assault. I need safer, more targeted help.