Bipolar 1 Disorder

Finally in the process of getting the help I have been needing. I know they say to trust the process, do the work... One step at a time. Why does it seem like all I'm doing is waiting? Why do I get more anxious after an appointment than I am at the beginning of it? It doesn't help that when I have a psychotic episode they seem to be lasting longer and I don't trust my own thoughts or perception... This has all been a new eye opening journey but also a scary one because I'm just learning about my disorders and the symptoms from them which is definitely giving me some clarity for certain situations that have happened throughout my life but it's also disheartening. I live with so much guilt and shame, I can't help but wonder that if I had help sooner that maybe I wouldn't have all this regret. I know I shouldn't dwell on the past and focus on creating a better future, a better version of myself (whoever the help that is) but that's easier said than done.

Finally in the process of getting the help I have been needing. I know they say to trust the process, do the work... One step at a time. Why does it seem like all I'm doing is waiting? Why do I get more anxious after an appointment than I am at the beginning of it? It doesn't help that when I have a psychotic episode they seem to be lasting longer and I don't trust my own thoughts or perception... This has all been a new eye opening journey but also a scary one because I'm just learning about my disorders and the symptoms from them which is definitely giving me some clarity for certain situations that have happened throughout my life but it's also disheartening. I live with so much guilt and shame, I can't help but wonder that if I had help sooner that maybe I wouldn't have all this regret. I know I shouldn't dwell on the past and focus on creating a better future, a better version of myself (whoever the help that is) but that's easier said than done.

Dreams

I don’t remember having dreams- not a nice dream anyway. The only dreams I remember are nightmares that plagued me to the point that I sedated myself to get some rest.

But opening up and writing about my past has opened me up to dreaming once more.

I don’t honestly know if they’re dreams or memories but I’m not waking up crying or scared like I used to. Or angry.

I’m beginning to wake up feeling complete.

But as the day wears on I feel empty. I feel like the shell of a person, empty. Hollow. Nothing.

I want so much more than this provincial life.

I think of the small things that’ll make me happy- like singing, photography, reading and writing.

Then I think of the bigger things and I draw a blank.

Who am I without the depression that haunts me?
Who am I without the mania that drives me?

Who am I when my dreams turn back to black?

I have blocked out so much of my life- middle school, high school. I don’t remember who I am because those formative years are gone.

Or maybe they never existed to me.

#BipolarDepression #Bipolar1 #MentalHealth #BipolarDisorder #Manic #ManicEpisodes #Depression

Dreams

I don’t remember having dreams- not a nice dream anyway. The only dreams I remember are nightmares that plagued me to the point that I sedated myself to get some rest.

But opening up and writing about my past has opened me up to dreaming once more.

I don’t honestly know if they’re dreams or memories but I’m not waking up crying or scared like I used to. Or angry.

I’m beginning to wake up feeling complete.

But as the day wears on I feel empty. I feel like the shell of a person, empty. Hollow. Nothing.

I want so much more than this provincial life.

I think of the small things that’ll make me happy- like singing, photography, reading and writing.

Then I think of the bigger things and I draw a blank.

Who am I without the depression that haunts me?
Who am I without the mania that drives me?

Who am I when my dreams turn back to black?

I have blocked out so much of my life- middle school, high school. I don’t remember who I am because those formative years are gone.

Or maybe they never existed to me.

#BipolarDepression #Bipolar1 #MentalHealth #BipolarDisorder #Manic #ManicEpisodes #Depression

I’m sick of living my life of severe depression that leads to mania that destroys everyone around me and other families to the point of me hibernating in my home after the damage I’ve made afraid of running into someone I was manic around. I’m going on 4 yrs of fear regret,shame and guilt constantly consuming me.

Hi, my name is gigix2. I've been diagnosed with bipolar1 since 2017 and am having a hard time with my adult children understanding my behavior.

#MightyTogether #BipolarDisorder

Don’t tell me to conquer my “demons”. That I have
“emotional baggage”. That I need to clean up my life, repent, repair my relationships and restore my place in society. That I need to change my perspective from “half empty to half full”. Just think positive, smile, lighten up, etc. All of this is dripping with misogynistic beliefs and patriarchal values. No, I won’t put a fucking smile on my face for anyone. I don’t owe anyone pretty, or perfection. I don’t have to be anything other than what I am or feel. I am not ashamed of my mental illnesses or disabilities! I am not trying to rid myself of anything. I embrace all of me. All of my humanity, all my emotions all my feelings, all my wounds, and scars. Don’t ever, ever tell me, my trauma is “darkness”, “evil” or “demons”. That is emotional abuse and is part of the problem that caused most of us to get sick in the first place. Morality causes almost all suffering in society. Not the lack of it, but the strict enforcement of it that leads to all kinds of condemnations, violations of rights and lack of emotional intelligence and empathy in the world. I support Radical Self Acceptance!

#Bipolar2
#Bipolar1
#MajorDepressiveDisorder
#Depression
#SubstanceUseDisorders
#PTSD
#CPTSD

Don’t tell me to conquer my “demons”. That I have
“emotional baggage”. That I need to clean up my life, repent, repair my relationships and restore my place in society. That I need to change my perspective from “half empty to half full”. Just think positive, smile, lighten up, etc. All of this is dripping with misogynistic beliefs and patriarchal values. No, I won’t put a fucking smile on my face for anyone. I don’t owe anyone pretty, or perfection. I don’t have to be anything other than what I am or feel. I am not ashamed of my mental illnesses or disabilities! I am not trying to rid myself of anything. I embrace all of me. All of my humanity, all my emotions all my feelings, all my wounds, and scars. Don’t ever, ever tell me, my trauma is “darkness”, “evil” or “demons”. That is emotional abuse and is part of the problem that caused most of us to get sick in the first place. Morality causes almost all suffering in society. Not the lack of it, but the strict enforcement of it that leads to all kinds of condemnations, violations of rights and lack of emotional intelligence and empathy in the world. I support Radical Self Acceptance!

#Bipolar2
#Bipolar1
#MajorDepressiveDisorder
#Depression
#SubstanceUseDisorders
#PTSD
#CPTSD