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#Grief
Hello, I have been having a little bit of an emotional hard time these last few days.
When I was 14 I lost my mother to breast cancer. I mean I was 14, a teenager, freshman in high school. Had no idea how to deal with the loss of a parent let alone my mother. Who was going to help me get ready for my first date, first high school dance? Who was going to help me get though my first heartbreak. Yes I did still have my father but he was also mourning the loss of the love of his life. He didn’t know how to raise a high school teenage girl. He did his best. Even taking me to buy new shoes when I went through my first heartbreak 🤣❤️ who doesn’t love new shoes? This was the first loss I had to deal with at a young age.
Well 14 years pass and it’s 2019, I’m 2 days past my 29th birthday. I wake up and head to my fathers room to wake him because his alarm had been going off for a few minutes. I thought to myself, he must be so tired if the alarm isn’t waking him. I get to the door way and my heart sinks. He isn’t waking because he passed away in his sleep. I knew the minute I got to the door. He was pale and my 1 dog was glued to his back and wouldn’t leave his side. Got closer cold to the touch, lips were blueish purple from being cold. Surprisingly I was very calm in this moment and was able to call 9-1-1. This was a long day. A long sad day. So many calls I had to make. So many questions I had to answer. He was my rock, my held everything together the best he could. Even when he had to deal with his own health issues. He had congestive heart failure along with diabetes and was in stage 4 kidney failure. But still everyday was there for me, helped me and raised me to be the strong woman I am today. Always made me laugh with his dumb dad jokes that are funny because he makes them funny while he’s telling them.
I’m relieved both my parents are not in pain anymore and are back with each other living out their eternal lives together. They were each others best friend, love of each others lives. Amazing parents to myself and my older brother. Fun, loving and caring people.
But here I am now 33 years old. I don’t think I’ve totally grieved both these losses and am having a hard time with both of them and missing them dearly. I have an amazing fiancé, whom both my parents would have loved so much. Building this beautiful life together while they are not here to go through these milestones with. I know they are here in sperit but it’s just not the same. Not the same to not have my mother help me get ready on my wedding day, or my father to not be here to walk me down the aisle to this amazing man that came into my life and the perfect time. To be here to meet my future step daughters. To buy my first house (sometime in the future lol) these are the things that are going to be so hard to go through without them. I miss their voices and their laughs and hugs. I miss them so much. Thank you to both of them for helping me be the women I am today ❤️
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