I often wonder why… Why doctors fail to find the cause…the cause of my pain…Why so readily willing to medicate instead of investigate? Living through this journey for almost 8 years, 4 major surgeries later, still in pain….
After promises…. Promises of a better quality of life…Failed…..
Traveling to doctors, with hope. Seeing different doctors for new eyes, each have failed to investigate beyond text book tests.
I often wonder if they could walk 1 day, 1 week in my shoes if they wouldn’t be more proactive in their treatment of their patients.
So many of us suffer through this… looking for hope, looking for life, looking for a doctor that may care enough to look a little deeper, to look outside of the box (their text book cases), a doctor who takes their job more seriously…..
Taking patients quality of life a little more seriously.
I’ve stopped giving my hope to doctors. White coat anxiety, PTSD from failed doctors is an understatement.
I’ve stopped searching, hoping, entrusting doctors to bring answers or relief. After so many times failed, I’ve lost hope in the medical field. I have found my comfort in myself. I never envisioned this would be my path in life, I never dreamed I would face such neglect, such failure from the medical field in the twentieth century.
I have learned to face life on my own terms. To find the beauty of an unlived life, complacent, stagnate, living by moments instead of days. I long for the days of planning a vacation, of traveling to see family, any life beyond doctors appointments and these 4 walls I call my home. Yet I’m determined to find the simplest joys, the small moments of victory, piecing together the bits and pieces of a life lived with limitations. Not the type of life you envision but a life better, not bitter.
I will not fall into the bitterness, I refuse to fall in the trap of self sabotage, though a victim I may be, I refuse to live the time I have left in bitterness, blame, feeling sorry for myself. Do I wonder why? Absolutely
Do I allow myself to stay there? No
Life is unpredictable
Life is hard
Life is unfair
Life is only as good or bad as you allow it to be
Sick or healthy
I choose to have my life reflected upon as a woman who chose to find joy amidst the unfairness
Love instead of self pity
Living by choice not by circumstances
Love… love in the greatest medicine known
Choose to love…. Yourself.