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My story - frozen in time
Hi all.
I am new to the might so I thought I’d briefly introduced myself. I’m 32years old and I feel ‘frozen in time’ while the world around me keeps going on.
I grew up in an mental, emotionally and psychologically abusive situation. From the day I was born I learned to walk on egg shells around my father, never knowing what would set him off or what ‘crazy’ thing he would do next. My mom bore the brunt of the abuse and I often felt scared for her. I took it upon myself (at the ripe old ah of 4) to be her protector. I did everything I could to protect her and my little brother.
The only way I could cope was to disassociate my self from any and all feelings, which work until I was about 27. My ‘coping plan’ created a bit of a dissociative disorder. I was basically numb for most of my life. Then I had a sort of breakdown and started therapy. Never having deal with any of my feelings over the year letf me without the ability to know how to handle simply emotions. I did not have the tools to cope wth everyday feeling . After years of therapy and 2 full on dreakdowms downs where I was admitted to phychiatric facilities.
With a lot of help and effort (and medication) I had felt like I had come a long way. I could survive day to day life (well most days).
That is until I took a job last year that trashed my confidence. After a year of working in a cutthroat, ‘stab eachother in the back’ environment, where they foster and even encourage bullying and disloyally I couldn’t take it any more, I feel like they attacked me as a person. So I left at the end of last year. The plan was to take a short break to catch my breat then find work.
Buy once I was was out of there I basically fell appart. My Depression and Anxiety escalated and escalated. I am at the point where I hardly leave the house and even simple tasks like showing is difficult. I have alienated myself from my friend. I can’t talk to any of them as they don’t understand where I am in my head (I have briefly spoken to a few friends in the past but it’s hard to explain when they have no clue what I am taking about) I have reached the point where I feel completely frozen in time. I have no clue what to do next. I have no idea how to find work (which is a problem as my saving are coming to an end) I’m too tired to exercise or do much self care.
My depression causes me to worry that I will never find a work. I mean who would hire me anyway. And my Anxiety makes me worried sick that I don’t have work right now and I desperately need to be working. Getting up in the morning with a purpose (like having a job) is actually very helpful in controlling my depression.
I am in a very bad head space, like I’m quite literally frozen while the world keeps on going around me. I don’t know how to get out of the head space. I basically have no life and nothing to look forward to and no idea how to change it
Anyway, that my story in a nutshell.
