I did enjoy as I always do that initial period of hypomania because it always takes on qualities of what I sense is a ritualistic engagement with my environment. All of my gestures and other bodily movements become almost sacred as if I am conducting a holy rite that no other person is privy to. I enjoy luxuriating in my body as I lose weight and gain muscle which leads to thoughts of sex that I am yet to actualize with another person. However my erotic life manages to become acute and exceedingly fulfilling until it isn’t.

I seem to be susceptible to an odd chaos I let into my space which has resulted in a destroyed television, smashed iPhone, cracked laptop screen, tossing a friend’s expensive book into the trash outside, throwing away 2 or 3 brand new pairs of pants, throwing a phone across the street, running up a $500 bill of On Demand Adult “Entertainment” that I didn’t watch, leaving my glasses outside, and hiding the book that came with my Seinfeld box set in bushes somewhere.

All of this happens once the hypomania has transformed into full-on Mania serving to sabotage my thinking and render me entirely psychotic. I am incapable of living in any meaningful manner because I can’t make sense of life as others seem to be living it. My behaviour is subsequently bizarre to virtually everyone else and in many cases I find myself banished from the premises. I am currently unwelcome at half a dozen or more places of business within walking distance of my apartment.

When I return to my life I always feel like an interloper and it takes me quite a while to be comfortable again. Also, I feel guilty and ashamed because others have witnessed my meltdown and it is difficult to face up to that. With considerable help I managed to fix some of the material things I broke. My sisters helped with that. I managed to get my friend’s book back after it became surprisingly affordable on Amazon. It all falls back into place until the next disruption which doesn’t presently seem all that imminent but it never does during my fits of stability.
#Bipolar #chaos #manicpsychosis #Psychosis