From my earliest memories on all I remember is chaos. My dad is an addict and my mom was dismissive and selfish. My dad physically and mentally abused my mom for the first 8 years of my childhood and then she moved on to many boyfriends who were constantly being moved in with us. I've watched my dad beat my mom and then choke her for not answering him how or when he wanted. Then there was my mom, who emotionally neglected her children and made her oldest be the one who took care of her siblings. As children we were meant to be seen and not heard, we weren't allowed to have opinions or voice them.

When your earliest memories are violent and chaotic it's hard to get out of fight or flight mode. Now as an adult I struggle to have relationships and I struggle to open up. Isn't it funny that we always seem to be followed by the things our parents did. Childhood trauma affects people for the rest of their lives. It hurts us to our core. When the people who were supposed to love and protect you are really the ones who do the most damage, its hard to come to terms with.

I'm 28 now, I've spent most of my life taking care of my siblings and then as an adult my parents. I am the shoulder they cry to. I am the one they borrow money from. My dad is still an addict, for a few years he lived with me. I thought I could take care of him but he doesn't want to get sober and he doesn't want to grow up.

Everyday I remind myself to let go. But sometimes... Sometimes I remember. Sometimes I'm 3 hiding under my crib while my dad beats my mom because he came home high or drunk again. Sometimes that's okay, as long as every day I wake up and try to be better than they were.

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