Sitting here, just trying to take away the pain. It's been thirty five years since I was raped at school, thirty four years since I started drinking heavily to fill the emptiness inside me, but it never ever works. Having borderline personality disorder and psychotic depression, I just feel like a thin shell around a gaping void that is me, the me inside.

I fill this empty void with emptiness, as nothing else works. I get really drunk, really stoned to the point that I lose all ability to think, as that is the only way I know how - my broken and flawed coping mechanisms; deal with Nothingness by being Nothing.

Do I want this to get better? It won't, no matter how they say BPD is curable, as all I've ever found to work in dealing with this emptiness is the sweet oblivion that substance abuse brings. So this is me now, a high functioning alcoholic and drug addict, self medicating myself to the point when the yawning darkness inside me is placated, fighting the storm inside. #BPD #Survivor #thebadsideofbpd