Alison Gladis

@alisongladis | contributor
Using the tool of words to advocate for myself in a different perspective, about the world around me.
Community Voices

Exploration of Another

Haven’t felt this way in a long period of time.
Desire.
Desire to improve and move forward in a direction
One I haven’t had prior
Desire to care and learn
After I’ve thought I’ve learned everything I could learn.
Desire to feel
All those feelings I snuffed out like a smoked up cigarette butt.
Living triumphantly until it’s bitter end.
Those feelings, those feelings, those.
Feelings. Become twisted and knotted up in my stomach and brain; because there’s too many to pick apart and assign.
Resistance of urges and thinking patterns I routinely follow so rigidly they begin to tighten a grip around everything I say and do.
They are not smothering me currently. They’ve loosened up that death grip because of you.
Unsure what to process that under it quickly falls under “null”, “overwhelming”, “confusing”.
Even good things can be those.
Good things are those
When you become used to deprivation of them.
Laughter fills corners and spaces of rooms that it hasn’t been. Sneaks into crevices you don’t see – you can feel if you run your hand across the surface.
I check, and continue to recheck the feelings like it’s keeping track of timing for something. Feelings don’t work like a clock, or a continuous string of reliability and consistency.
Not anymore. Not anymore.
They don’t want to be confined.
Not anymore. #Autism #Affection #feelings
#MightyPoets

Community Voices

Self-Acceptance Doesn't Need to be Hard

<p>Self-Acceptance Doesn't Need to be Hard</p>
4 people are talking about this
Community Voices

Self-Acceptance Doesn't Need to be Hard

<p>Self-Acceptance Doesn't Need to be Hard</p>
4 people are talking about this
Community Voices

It hurts.

Everything around me hurts me;
the facial expressions I don't understand, the jokes I miss thrown at me come off as thinly veiled insults on my psyche, everything I am.

Missing people with everything I've got, leaving me hollow but happy when they return to me.

It hurts my body, my ears and my eyes, my skin and my insides.

It hurts giving energy to tasks, to people, to thoughts and feelings.

It feels like I was stuck in a circle with people I love and half beaten and bruised, while still needing them to be the reason I smile, and to help fix my hurt.

Everything is a violation of who I am.
A never ending pounding that keeps on giving.

Never giving me time to rest, to follow instructions, to stop problem-solving.

There is never time for understanding, and I'm then playing catch-up; for things and scenarios and interactions that shouldn't need catching up.

This is my autism.
It keeps giving and digging a hole that keeps getting buried by cumulative dirt and confusion on top of me, and all I wanted to do in the first place was collect the pretty rocks in the dirt - admire their individuality and beauty, maybe take them home to truly appreciate them. #Autism

1 person is talking about this
Community Voices

Change

I cannot handle change.
I can handle on the spot adaptation to make it easier at the time.

I can handle discussing change implementation. Ensuring I'm doing it the right way.

I can't handle change when it happens. I can prep, process and initiate things for it to begin.

I can't handle change when it is cumulative.

successes and triumphs all equate to change.

please, please do not tell me is a good thing I have accomplished something I was unable to do before.

Unless you will also, handle the violation it can cause.

Please do not expect impulsive acts to seem minor - even if it's as simple as coffee.

Please, unless you will be there for the after care - Do not thrust change.

I am autistic and I need my consistency.
unless you can help and support me as I change.

These may seem like symptoms to you; these may seem like small issues to manipulate.. these are neither of those, these are every part of my existence and experience.

#Autism #AutismSpectrumDisorders

2 people are talking about this
Community Voices

Growth

Sometimes growth is loud, and noticable. Everyone sees it.

but you.

Don't panic, because most growth is slow and quiet.

Forests didn't become forests overnight. It took years of collaboration and support.
Years of drought, struggling and wilting.

Never discount your growth. It may just be quiet, waiting to be loud and noticed.

#Autism #MentalHealth #Selfcare #growth

1 person is talking about this
Community Voices

When people ask about Shame What I wish I could say

#MentalHealth #BorderlineStigma #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Autism

What does it look like?
I question this daily as it leeches through my existence, intangible proof of its presence.
It’s not a specific situation or action anymore.
It’s gripped onto me with cold and heartless hands, leaving me bound for apathy and ambiguity.
Draining every ounce of affection and love I hold dear, stealing my relationships and well-being.
A boisterous yet faceless monster.
Loud enough I can’t drown it out in any activity I enjoy.
Painting a mask on itself – appearing valid, strong, and defensively powerful.
I walk through life with walls up, impenetrable walls; guarding a monster.
Keeping him safe to grow, and chip away at every stone I place to protect myself.
There is no big secrets in here anymore. There is no catalyst; no inciting force.
Just me, building walls, repairing damage and maintaining.
Just me, struggling, processing and stalling.
Stalling on thought, expression and feelings – unsure if I’m allowed.
Just me, absorbing blame; dysfunction and chaos being thrown at me as I build my walls.
Just me. Exhaustion, strife, loss, grief and anger.
Just me. Just me, it’s always me.
It’s always me, unable to cry. Always me, unable to smile. Unable to feel depth of emotion. It’s me, still maintaining a wall.
It’s me being swallowed by a monster piece by piece. It’s me banging my head on a wall; trying to break down the one I keep building.
It’s me already knowing what I think and need to say and feel do not matter. It’s me, feeling like my existence doesn’t, hasn’t and will not matter. It’s me, feeling selfish, confused and upset.
It’s me wishing I could grow wings and fly away, it’s me sitting with nightmares; trying to regain control inside.
It’s me, laughing as I insult myself; or make light of trauma. It’s me secretly telling myself I’m not good enough for anything or anyone.
It’s me feeling like I live several lives at once, some where I flourish. Some that I can’t escape from; because the monster is not in those ones.
This monster; this thing is strong. Stronger than what I feel I am capable of fighting against. Stronger than what I really understand, I just see pieces chipped away – the monster oozing through broken brick, soaking everything it touches in black and endless goop.
The goop comes with memories, sentences and words; all neatly packed into movies of fear and anxiety.
It’s me screaming and pleading, to someone where it falls silently onto – using it for ammunition.
It’s shame. Shame is me; I am shame.
There is no backtrack available, no map, no GPS nor guide. I have sat and will continue to sit with shame for awhile. I will hope I can dismantle the walls I keep building. I need to stop building first.
No one else can dismantle for me, nobody else can see what each piece is.
It’s a matter of my own accord; my own efforts, failures and triumphs.
No one elses.

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Community Voices

What everyone wonders about: Psychosis

<p>What everyone wonders about: <a href="https://themighty.com/topic/psychosis/?label=Psychosis" class="tm-embed-link  tm-autolink health-map" data-id="5b23ceaf00553f33fe99afb0" data-name="Psychosis" title="Psychosis" target="_blank">Psychosis</a></p>
4 people are talking about this
Community Voices

What everyone wonders about: Psychosis

<p>What everyone wonders about: <a href="https://themighty.com/topic/psychosis/?label=Psychosis" class="tm-embed-link  tm-autolink health-map" data-id="5b23ceaf00553f33fe99afb0" data-name="Psychosis" title="Psychosis" target="_blank">Psychosis</a></p>
4 people are talking about this
Community Voices

Why I say nothing: Mutism

I'm not ignoring you. I'm not trying to neglect your feelings and experiences.

I'm not ignoring you, my brain just can't filter everything around me.

I'm not ignoring you, there is so much I want to say to help you.

I'm not ignoring you, I feel rejection.

I'm not ignoring you, I'm not ignoring you.

My words spin around like a giant tornado inside my brain, being picked up with the galeforce winds and scattered around.

My words are lost.

I open my mouth and nothing comes out. There is too much to say and no good way to say it.

I'm not ignoring you, I feel what you're feeling and it's leeching the safe space in the storm cellar.

I want to talk, to express.

I'm not ignoring you, but I'm feeling you. #Autism #SelectiveMutism #MentalHealth

2 people are talking about this