Alizabeth Stachlinski

@alizabeth-stachlinski | contributor
each rose has its own thorns
Community Voices

I’m not Sorry

I don’t remember when the last time I was myself. That even I pretend to not notice. Some days it’s a lonely place to be. While others I even fool myself into thinking, she’s back. Sometimes I let someone in, but they always seem to leave. One after another, it’s got to be me. See I abandon myself, I guess I’m a hypocrite. It seems to be a pattern I’ve always known, and it’s toxic. It’s hard to grasp how to love yourself for someone like me. See I’m always busy checking on others, guess it’s my distraction. I try so hard to fix the things I know I shouldn’t think or do, but why do I always come back to feeling not enough. Not worthy enough to be loved, but most importantly not worthy enough of self love. The kind of love you need before you can ever fully love someone else. I decided to start with myself, even tho it hurts like hell. Guess it’s selfish to realize you need to put your feelings first too. If I come across cold, it’s because for the first time I’m learning to put myself first. I have allowed people to step on me and apologized for their pain. Life isn’t fair. Time doesn’t seem to heal all wounds. Just push them deeper and change your emotions, your behaviors, your thoughts on life. Sometimes you give all you have or lean too hard on someone. Either way you seem to always be broken. It’s like a child putting up blocks and crashing them down every-time they get too high. See some people are born into different environments and are taught different norms. Some have better genetics, or fail a thousand times before they even come anywhere close to making it. It’s hard to accept where you are and sometimes hard to know where you want to be. I will no longer ask for a validation of how I should live my life. I will not fear abandonment because it hasn’t yet killed me. I will not shrink my needs down because it offends someone. I will set boundaries and not tolerate people who make me feel anything but less than worthy. I won’t apologize more than once, we have all been a toxic person in someone’s life at one point. Just know life is a huge experience of wrongs and rights. Situations that either make you or break you. Tomorrow always comes, even tho some days I don’t want it. Everyday is a new day with more opportunities. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like there are any opportunities left, believe me it will come. Everyone is on their own timelines, doesn’t mean your journey is any less important. Don’t be scared of saying no or I feel a certain way. Stop letting others put you in a defined box or make you explain why you feel a certain way. Others may be worse off, but your feelings and your pain aren’t any less hurtful. Some people break faster than others. It doesn’t mean your weak. It takes a strong person to admit they aren’t okay. They have felt broken. This doesn’t make you weak, or make you any less loved.  You are not defined by the number of heartbreaks you have endured. You are defined by the strength you had to put yourself back together, even tho pieces some days still break back off. You are allowed to feel pain you have suffered days ago, months ago, or even years ago. Just don’t let that pain make you bitter. Remember there is always someone out there that cares. You can change someone’s whole day by a simple smile. Build yourself up, put yourself first, but when you can make sure to build others up. Life isn’t a competition. It doesn’t matter we all end up 6 feet under.

Community Voices

Mental health awareness

<p><a href="https://themighty.com/topic/mental-health/?label=Mental health" class="tm-embed-link  tm-autolink health-map" data-id="5b23ce5800553f33fe98c3a3" data-name="Mental health" title="Mental health" target="_blank">Mental health</a> awareness</p>
2 people are talking about this
Community Voices

Mental health awareness

<p><a href="https://themighty.com/topic/mental-health/?label=Mental health" class="tm-embed-link  tm-autolink health-map" data-id="5b23ce5800553f33fe98c3a3" data-name="Mental health" title="Mental health" target="_blank">Mental health</a> awareness</p>
2 people are talking about this

I'm Suicidal — Scared to Live With Depression, but Not Afraid to Die

I think about dying, but I don’t want to die. See, the truth is, I want to live. I want to escape. A lot of people fear death, but death’s the ugly truth. As life is an ugly disguise. I feel trapped. Just living. Just breathing. Just waiting, but for what? It’s like the walls are caving in around me, or I’m 10-feet underwater. Yet I can hear people around me laughing. Everything is muffled, but the thoughts run through my mind. It’s like pots and pans banging in my ears. A continuous headache that I tell myself over and over will leave. Nothing bad lasts forever, right? No matter how fast I run or how far I travel,  I’m hunted down by these thoughts. I feel like a bother most days. I think the world could do without me, but I don’t want to die. In fact, I want to live. To be free. I want to look up to the sky and not just the ground. I’m tired of feeling everything at once one day, and nothing at all the next. I wish I could explain my thoughts , but how do I explain something I don’t understand myself? Every day is a battle between who I am and who I want to be. Many days, the only accomplishment I feel is getting out of bed. I do so much in a day, but why do I feel it’s never enough? Why am I never enough? Not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not smart enough, not nice enough, just not enough . I hold a lot in because I know I’m strong. Always there for others because I know what it is like to be alone. Yet, it seems no one realizes … or at least seems like no one cares. I’m being stalked, hunted down by these shadows. I think about what it would be like if I wasn’t here. Who would care and who wouldn’t mind. I think about how life would be so much different. I think about how strong I am. I don’t want to die, I just want to kill the voices in my head. The shadows that stalk my every move and know all my insecurities. I think about dying, but no, I don’t want to die .

I'm Suicidal — Scared to Live With Depression, but Not Afraid to Die

I think about dying, but I don’t want to die. See, the truth is, I want to live. I want to escape. A lot of people fear death, but death’s the ugly truth. As life is an ugly disguise. I feel trapped. Just living. Just breathing. Just waiting, but for what? It’s like the walls are caving in around me, or I’m 10-feet underwater. Yet I can hear people around me laughing. Everything is muffled, but the thoughts run through my mind. It’s like pots and pans banging in my ears. A continuous headache that I tell myself over and over will leave. Nothing bad lasts forever, right? No matter how fast I run or how far I travel,  I’m hunted down by these thoughts. I feel like a bother most days. I think the world could do without me, but I don’t want to die. In fact, I want to live. To be free. I want to look up to the sky and not just the ground. I’m tired of feeling everything at once one day, and nothing at all the next. I wish I could explain my thoughts , but how do I explain something I don’t understand myself? Every day is a battle between who I am and who I want to be. Many days, the only accomplishment I feel is getting out of bed. I do so much in a day, but why do I feel it’s never enough? Why am I never enough? Not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not smart enough, not nice enough, just not enough . I hold a lot in because I know I’m strong. Always there for others because I know what it is like to be alone. Yet, it seems no one realizes … or at least seems like no one cares. I’m being stalked, hunted down by these shadows. I think about what it would be like if I wasn’t here. Who would care and who wouldn’t mind. I think about how life would be so much different. I think about how strong I am. I don’t want to die, I just want to kill the voices in my head. The shadows that stalk my every move and know all my insecurities. I think about dying, but no, I don’t want to die .

I'm Suicidal — Scared to Live With Depression, but Not Afraid to Die

I think about dying, but I don’t want to die. See, the truth is, I want to live. I want to escape. A lot of people fear death, but death’s the ugly truth. As life is an ugly disguise. I feel trapped. Just living. Just breathing. Just waiting, but for what? It’s like the walls are caving in around me, or I’m 10-feet underwater. Yet I can hear people around me laughing. Everything is muffled, but the thoughts run through my mind. It’s like pots and pans banging in my ears. A continuous headache that I tell myself over and over will leave. Nothing bad lasts forever, right? No matter how fast I run or how far I travel,  I’m hunted down by these thoughts. I feel like a bother most days. I think the world could do without me, but I don’t want to die. In fact, I want to live. To be free. I want to look up to the sky and not just the ground. I’m tired of feeling everything at once one day, and nothing at all the next. I wish I could explain my thoughts , but how do I explain something I don’t understand myself? Every day is a battle between who I am and who I want to be. Many days, the only accomplishment I feel is getting out of bed. I do so much in a day, but why do I feel it’s never enough? Why am I never enough? Not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not smart enough, not nice enough, just not enough . I hold a lot in because I know I’m strong. Always there for others because I know what it is like to be alone. Yet, it seems no one realizes … or at least seems like no one cares. I’m being stalked, hunted down by these shadows. I think about what it would be like if I wasn’t here. Who would care and who wouldn’t mind. I think about how life would be so much different. I think about how strong I am. I don’t want to die, I just want to kill the voices in my head. The shadows that stalk my every move and know all my insecurities. I think about dying, but no, I don’t want to die .

I'm Suicidal — Scared to Live With Depression, but Not Afraid to Die

I think about dying, but I don’t want to die. See, the truth is, I want to live. I want to escape. A lot of people fear death, but death’s the ugly truth. As life is an ugly disguise. I feel trapped. Just living. Just breathing. Just waiting, but for what? It’s like the walls are caving in around me, or I’m 10-feet underwater. Yet I can hear people around me laughing. Everything is muffled, but the thoughts run through my mind. It’s like pots and pans banging in my ears. A continuous headache that I tell myself over and over will leave. Nothing bad lasts forever, right? No matter how fast I run or how far I travel,  I’m hunted down by these thoughts. I feel like a bother most days. I think the world could do without me, but I don’t want to die. In fact, I want to live. To be free. I want to look up to the sky and not just the ground. I’m tired of feeling everything at once one day, and nothing at all the next. I wish I could explain my thoughts , but how do I explain something I don’t understand myself? Every day is a battle between who I am and who I want to be. Many days, the only accomplishment I feel is getting out of bed. I do so much in a day, but why do I feel it’s never enough? Why am I never enough? Not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not smart enough, not nice enough, just not enough . I hold a lot in because I know I’m strong. Always there for others because I know what it is like to be alone. Yet, it seems no one realizes … or at least seems like no one cares. I’m being stalked, hunted down by these shadows. I think about what it would be like if I wasn’t here. Who would care and who wouldn’t mind. I think about how life would be so much different. I think about how strong I am. I don’t want to die, I just want to kill the voices in my head. The shadows that stalk my every move and know all my insecurities. I think about dying, but no, I don’t want to die .

Community Voices

I’m on my own.

“I’m fine.” See, but no really I am. I’m happy for awhile. I’ll speak positivity, actually laugh. I can sleep without worrying about the past or the future. Finally I will eat without feeling sick and pushing every bite. I decided to trust. I let my walls down, just to pull them right back up. This time there’s real pain. Like a light switch I’m back to, “I’m fine,” but not really. I’m left again, alone in my mind. Every time I’m let down I seem to sink deeper.

I’m trying so hard to keep my head above the water, before I let the currents take me under. Scared that I won’t be able to make it back up for air. Can’t you see me? I’m drowning in these thoughts. You’re right there, but I need to learn to swim myself. I’m gasping for air, I can hear everyone around me laughing. It’s muffed and blurry, but it’s driving me insane. Do you see me? I can’t make it up alone. You tell me things like:

“You’re changing back to your own ways.”

“You need to see a doctor.”

You helped me pick up my broken pieces, only to push me over and shatter them into smaller pieces. I trusted to let you in, to take my walls down. Only to learn you weren’t different.

Doctor, please don’t prescribe me more sleeping pills to distract me from the nightmare I’m living awake. I’m tired of drugging myself to feel a tad alive. Living this life half-awake, all I want is to feel fully. Please help me feel alive again. Please make this pain go away.

Sorry I haven’t answered your texts, my hands shake to much to hold the phone. I’m sorry I haven’t answered your calls my voice shakes to much for me to get out a sentence. I’m sorry I can’t act strong anymore. I can’t allow you to see me with my walls not let down, but broken down. Please understand I’m hurting so bad. Taking it moment by moment is the only way I’m able to breathe.

See I’m on my own now, please let me be.

2 people are talking about this
Community Voices

I’m on my own.

“I’m fine.” See, but no really I am. I’m happy for awhile. I’ll speak positivity, actually laugh. I can sleep without worrying about the past or the future. Finally I will eat without feeling sick and pushing every bite. I decided to trust. I let my walls down, just to pull them right back up. This time there’s real pain. Like a light switch I’m back to, “I’m fine,” but not really. I’m left again, alone in my mind. Every time I’m let down I seem to sink deeper.

I’m trying so hard to keep my head above the water, before I let the currents take me under. Scared that I won’t be able to make it back up for air. Can’t you see me? I’m drowning in these thoughts. You’re right there, but I need to learn to swim myself. I’m gasping for air, I can hear everyone around me laughing. It’s muffed and blurry, but it’s driving me insane. Do you see me? I can’t make it up alone. You tell me things like:

“You’re changing back to your own ways.”

“You need to see a doctor.”

You helped me pick up my broken pieces, only to push me over and shatter them into smaller pieces. I trusted to let you in, to take my walls down. Only to learn you weren’t different.

Doctor, please don’t prescribe me more sleeping pills to distract me from the nightmare I’m living awake. I’m tired of drugging myself to feel a tad alive. Living this life half-awake, all I want is to feel fully. Please help me feel alive again. Please make this pain go away.

Sorry I haven’t answered your texts, my hands shake to much to hold the phone. I’m sorry I haven’t answered your calls my voice shakes to much for me to get out a sentence. I’m sorry I can’t act strong anymore. I can’t allow you to see me with my walls not let down, but broken down. Please understand I’m hurting so bad. Taking it moment by moment is the only way I’m able to breathe.

See I’m on my own now, please let me be.

2 people are talking about this