I’m not Sorry
I don’t remember when the last time I was myself. That even I pretend to not notice. Some days it’s a lonely place to be. While others I even fool myself into thinking, she’s back. Sometimes I let someone in, but they always seem to leave. One after another, it’s got to be me. See I abandon myself, I guess I’m a hypocrite. It seems to be a pattern I’ve always known, and it’s toxic. It’s hard to grasp how to love yourself for someone like me. See I’m always busy checking on others, guess it’s my distraction. I try so hard to fix the things I know I shouldn’t think or do, but why do I always come back to feeling not enough. Not worthy enough to be loved, but most importantly not worthy enough of self love. The kind of love you need before you can ever fully love someone else. I decided to start with myself, even tho it hurts like hell. Guess it’s selfish to realize you need to put your feelings first too. If I come across cold, it’s because for the first time I’m learning to put myself first. I have allowed people to step on me and apologized for their pain. Life isn’t fair. Time doesn’t seem to heal all wounds. Just push them deeper and change your emotions, your behaviors, your thoughts on life. Sometimes you give all you have or lean too hard on someone. Either way you seem to always be broken. It’s like a child putting up blocks and crashing them down every-time they get too high. See some people are born into different environments and are taught different norms. Some have better genetics, or fail a thousand times before they even come anywhere close to making it. It’s hard to accept where you are and sometimes hard to know where you want to be. I will no longer ask for a validation of how I should live my life. I will not fear abandonment because it hasn’t yet killed me. I will not shrink my needs down because it offends someone. I will set boundaries and not tolerate people who make me feel anything but less than worthy. I won’t apologize more than once, we have all been a toxic person in someone’s life at one point. Just know life is a huge experience of wrongs and rights. Situations that either make you or break you. Tomorrow always comes, even tho some days I don’t want it. Everyday is a new day with more opportunities. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like there are any opportunities left, believe me it will come. Everyone is on their own timelines, doesn’t mean your journey is any less important. Don’t be scared of saying no or I feel a certain way. Stop letting others put you in a defined box or make you explain why you feel a certain way. Others may be worse off, but your feelings and your pain aren’t any less hurtful. Some people break faster than others. It doesn’t mean your weak. It takes a strong person to admit they aren’t okay. They have felt broken. This doesn’t make you weak, or make you any less loved. You are not defined by the number of heartbreaks you have endured. You are defined by the strength you had to put yourself back together, even tho pieces some days still break back off. You are allowed to feel pain you have suffered days ago, months ago, or even years ago. Just don’t let that pain make you bitter. Remember there is always someone out there that cares. You can change someone’s whole day by a simple smile. Build yourself up, put yourself first, but when you can make sure to build others up. Life isn’t a competition. It doesn’t matter we all end up 6 feet under.