allenwe112

Something happened to me and I really find it weird, but interesting. I slept in the living room for the last few days and had bad dreams about my childhood/teen years in the place that I live in now. But yesterday I decided to sleep in my room and I had a dream about the condo I lived in before we moved. I'm usually my adult self in these dreams, but I'm living it as myself between the ages of 4-6. It wasn't the best then either, but I think I was the most happiest then. I think it's interesting, but it still weirds me out. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #dreams

This week, I felt a total shift within myself that was negative in how I see both men and relationships. I usually say “never say never”, but this week I’m really sour on the whole thing. This week, I have the apartment to myself because my parents are gone, but the strange thing is that I don’t really have much peace of mind. I thought since both of them are gone, I could at least have an easy time because I don’t have to feel uncomfortable… I was wrong. The one positive is that I don’t have this intense sadness that I would feel when I was left alone. This time, I feel stable, but I’ve been having bad dreams every day since they left. All of which have to do with my childhood. The worst part I’d that I realized I started judging a man’s appearance that even slightly resembled my mom’s husband which is something I didn’t do before. It’s weird, I don’t know what to think of it, but all I know is that something is off. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD

I didn’t know that this was a real thing until I looked it up, I just thought this was something that would just happen to me periodically whenever something happened. It’s literally been a few months since the last nightmare I’ve had and this was a little different from the last ones. The landscape was different, but the subject matter was the same. I think that the big difference was that I was able to fully and completely speak my mind. But, I still felt this anxiety and this tightness in my chest. It honestly sucks. And the first thing that comes to mind after having these dreams about my childhood around the stepparent is “Janie’s Got a Gun” by Aerosmith. I usually delve into some art projects to process all of this, but I I’m just hating everything right now. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #CPTSD #Nightmares #Anxiety

I didn’t know that this was a real thing until I looked it up, I just thought this was something that would just happen to me periodically whenever something happened. It’s literally been a few months since the last nightmare I’ve had and this was a little different from the last ones. The landscape was different, but the subject matter was the same. I think that the big difference was that I was able to fully and completely speak my mind. But, I still felt this anxiety and this tightness in my chest. It honestly sucks. And the first thing that comes to mind after having these dreams about my childhood around the stepparent is “Janie’s Got a Gun” by Aerosmith. I usually delve into some art projects to process all of this, but I I’m just hating everything right now. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #CPTSD #Nightmares #Anxiety

Living with a narcissist with an addiction is an experience that has made me question a lot of things. Not just about myself, but about my future relationships, and so many other aspects of life in general. After all of my ongoing research on narcissists and my life experiences, this has led my gut feeling to speak its mind in a number of times. And what bothers me about that is how spot on it could be. I knew something wasn’t right from the beginning when my parents got back together after a short separation. I understood that there is a cycle that happens every time he says that he is going to change. I kept my expectations low because if he doesn’t follow through, I wouldn’t be as disappointed. For the last few weeks, my mom and her husband have been spending a lot of time together, he started talking to my brother again, and his interaction with me is limited. Everything was “normal” for a time. But, yesterday, I was rushing to the kitchen to put something away and I walked in on him before he shifted his focus on something else. I don’t know if he noticed that I saw, but it did confirm things for me. It may have been a temporary relapse, he may have done it since he was allowed to come home, I’ll never know. I just know that if my mom walked in on him, she’d be very hurt because she thinks things are better now. It’s a weird space to be in. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #narcissist #Family

I feel like I should give up finding people who I could relate to. Each time I try, it falls apart. I really do feel like I don't fit anywhere. I may be thinking too much into it, but it's how I feel. Lately, the same people who I used to talk to seem to avoid me now. I think it is me... I think I'm the issue. When people pull away like that, I just know it's my fault in some way. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

For the last couple of days it feels like there is an invisible force that is separating me from everyone else. And today, I couldn't hide my anger. First, at home, I found a roach on the ceiling and my mom and I were trying to get rid of it. It ended up getting away somewhere and in the midst of this happening, she says that I'm "useless". I know that she didn't mean it in a demeaning way, but it still hurt. I was hoping to move past it, but I couldn't fight the tears. Then, at work, I can just feel a shift in how other people treated me. Everyone seemed to be cool with each other and they would be short with me. So that, on top of being the odd man out most of the time, I literally couldn't do the "good girl act" anymore. And I'm the type of person where if I'm upset, I won't talk nor will I respond to you. I also notice that when they pick up on that, they will leave me alone or are cautious when I'm around. I'm trying to cool down at the moment, but once I'm at a place of anger or frustration, it's hard for me to come down from that. I'll start hating everything and everyone because of that. It's a bad place to be in, but it feels comfortable after a while. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #anger #hurtfeelings #Hatred #frustration

Today is one of those days where I feel like I'm going to be on Sertraline for the rest of my life. I do feel invisible, and I think that if I disappeared for a while nobody will notice. If I be quieter, it wouldn't change anything. I don't think I make that much of an impact in anyone's life anyway. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder