Sky Taylor

Exploring Life Without Suicidal Thoughts and Fear of the Unknown

The biggest lie depression ever told me was: My life will end in suicide, it’s just a matter of time. And that lie became my truth, it became my identity, it was the root of so many other lies. It’s still a belief I very much struggle to let go of. For the last 10 years, I’ve believed that to be true. And I’ve lived my life like it was. I’ve never really cared about my future or thought about it. In my mind, I wouldn’t be alive for it anyway. I never set goals or had dreams; what was the point if I was going to die soon? Events I’d have to go to or things I’d have to do that I dreaded, I coped with by telling myself I wouldn’t be alive by the time they came around, so I didn’t have to worry. In some ways, that protected me. There are times if I had one more thing I had to worry about, I would’ve been pushed over the edge. I know that belief thinks it’s keeping me safe. It’s a younger version of me, stuck inside my parent’s house, seeing suicide as the only escape, the only hope. It’s my inner child. No matter how far I’ve run, what I’ve self-medicated with, where I’ve looked for escape, that child has always stayed with me. And so has that belief. But, my suicidal thoughts haven’t been as intense or frequent lately (and by that, I mean the last five or so days). To give some context, almost every day for the last 10 years I’ve lived with constant, severe suicidal thoughts. I’ve attempted suicide twice and come closer more times than I can count. I’ve spent most nights of my life just trying to convince myself to stay alive, telling myself there would be better days ahead and they were worth sticking around to see. But now that these “better days” might be here, I’m more scared than ever. Depression is what I know. Suicidal thoughts are what I know. They’re reliable. I’ve always been able to count on them to be there. In many ways, I’ve let them become my identity. So, if they’re gone, who am I? Am I anyone? Is there anything else there? What if there isn’t? And even scarier than that, if that’s true, I finally have to let go of this deep-seated belief my life will end in suicide, and that it’s just a matter of time. Letting go of that means I have to think about my future — it means I have to believe I have a future. It opens me up to more heartache and hurt. I think that’s always been the scariest part — the inevitable trials and hurt that come with the future. I’m not scared of hurting, I’ve been hurting most of my life, but I’m scared of not knowing what it is. It’s an unknown hurt. And the unknown terrifies me. Which, to bring full circle, is why I’m so scared my suicidal thoughts are finally lessening. They’re what I know. And I know how backward that seems, why would anyone choose suicidal thoughts over freedom and joy? All I can say is the familiar is a powerful thing. I know I’ve been praying for relief and a break from this for years. And now that it might finally be here, it’s like I’m pushing it away. I don’t want to build a prison for myself. I don’t want to put chains back on that have already been broken. I know this is Jesus answering prayers, calling me into freedom and light. But stepping into that potential is scary. But I also know, not stepping into that should scare me. I wasn’t created to waft through life, just waiting for it to end. I wasn’t made to run circles around suicidal thoughts until I died. I was made to live. And I think it may finally be time to give that a try.

Community Voices

Can I text my therapist? #triggered #Selfharm #Depression

I had a telepsych appointment recently (Thursday?) and I was actually doing really well that week. So it was a pretty general talk, also she was giving me some suggestions because I have been having problems sleeping. But the next day something triggered me. I was doing continuing education courses and it was a mental health one. I felt fine and was prepared and it’s a subject that I am obviously passionate about, but the person narrating the course was horrible. Like i don’t think it was intention but one part about non suicidal self injury literally said “some people say that they just want attention... and well that’s true”
- it fucking floored me. I am a health care professional, and this is a course about mental health for other health care professionals. I have depression and anxiety and struggle with self harm, I was just not expecting to hear anything like that. I have had a really shitty weekend and I don’t know if I should call/text my therapist bc my next appointment is in 4 weeks (Because I was doing so well 🙄🙃)

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Community Voices

Is it weird that I rewatch the same TV shows and movies over and over?

When I’m not doing so well, like now, I tend to rewatch shows and movies. There Is a new season of a show I really like out (All American) on Netflix that I do want to watch but I keep rewatching NCIS and the great British baking show and lilo and stitch. What the fuck?? Does anyone else do this? #Anxiety #Depression #Selfharm #DepressiveDisorders

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Community Voices

What’s the best advice you’ve ever been given?

<p>What’s the best advice you’ve ever been given?</p>
189 people are talking about this
Community Voices

what do folks do when getting self harm urges? #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Selfharm

I’m struggling with urges and wondering how others deal with them? I have so far gone for a walk

37 people are talking about this
Sky Taylor

When High-Functioning Depression Hides How Much You're Struggling

I’ve read a lot of stories about “high-functioning” depression and anxiety — both of which I clearly have. I am a full-time college student, work three jobs, run a service-learning program and somehow keep a 4.0 GPA. I have friends and support. And while I’ve been battling depression for the last eight years, I’m in therapy, currently in the process of finding the right medication and I’m putting the work in. On paper, I am functioning very well. My ability to keep up with school and work is enough for people to assume my depression can’t be that severe. “If she was really depressed, she wouldn’t be able to get up and go to work and school.” But here’s the thing: I’m really not even functioning with “high-functioning” depression . Sure, I can keep my jobs and go to class and maintain good grades, but there’s a whole side people don’t see. I currently have not showered in over a week. I struggle to change my clothes. I struggle to brush my teeth. I have constant suicidal thoughts. I want to self-harm all of the time and it takes so much energy to continue to fight the urge. The only reason I get out of bed every day is because I have work and school and for some reason, my brain has prioritized those things over the most basic self-care needs like showering and eating. It’s embarrassing and that’s why I don’t talk about it. I didn’t even bring it up to my therapist until this week. She knows I’m going through a severe depressive episode right now, but when I told her about not taking care of myself, she even seemed a little surprised. Because again, on paper, I am still functioning at a high level. I keep myself so busy so I don’t have to deal with free time, because free time simply leads to rumination and more suicidal thoughts for me. But when I’m this busy, I become so stressed and stop taking care of myself. I stop functioning. I don’t win either way. We talk a lot about “high-functioning” depression and why it’s still just as severe as any other type of depression . But we don’t talk about when you’re “high-functioning,” but still not really functioning. There’s always another side to the story. Yes, I go to work. I go to school. I go to the required events for my scholars’ program. I go to the gas station and the grocery store. But I also go to crawl in my car on my break at work and just cry because I get so overwhelmed by depression . I used to go into the bathroom at work and self-harm, and then come out like nothing was wrong and continue to do my job. I go to school but sometimes sleep in class because I am so exhausted. I take notes, but I always have other tabs open looking for inspiration and hope on Pinterest. I go to the events I have to so I can keep my scholarship, but I have panic attacks before nearly every one. I go to the grocery store, but half of the time the groceries sit in my fridge because I can never find the energy to cook. So, can we stop letting someone’s ability (or inability) to work or go to school determ ine how severe their depression is? Do we really need to compare? Is that really going to help any of us? We’re all struggling and hurting. Why make it worse by making it a competition? Your pain is valid. Your struggle is valid. I see you. We’ll get there.

Community Voices

struggling in the mornings #Depression

my job requires early mornings. I have the hardest time in the morning and it takes me forever to get out of bed. it doesn’t matter if I have to be at work at 5:30 in the morning or at 9, I can’t get out of bed. My boss got mad at me for being consistently 5-15 minutes late. I don’t want him to have the impression it’s because I just don’t care. I don’t know if I should talk to him about my depression and anxiety and what has happened over the last year. I feel like he will think it’s an excuse.

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Community Voices
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weighted blankets - anxiety

I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket for my son. just wondering if they are worth buying

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Community Voices

I took out the trash

<p>I took out the trash</p>
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