This Is Why I Don’t Like Drinking: An Open Letter
In life, there are so few things we actually have control over. For a perfectionist like me, this fact is often devastating. I want so badly to have each and every day go according to plan, but I have learned time and time again that this is not how the world works. This is why I am so adamant about being able to control the parts of my life that I actually have a choice in.
One of these choices I made at a fairly young age was to mostly avoid alcohol and being in situations where drinking is the center of attention and the main amusement for the night. I realize that most people do not choose to live their lives this way unless something has forced them to, and I am not here to judge anyone who does enjoy drinking. I just wish that people would allow me the same open-minded way of thinking.You would think that choosing to only be an occasional drinker would be nothing that others would concern themselves with, but I have found time and time again that I keep having to explain myself and the choices that I have made. Depending on who it is that I am talking to, I may or may not go into full detail as to why I rarely drink; I am beginning to wonder if my vague explanations are the reason why I have been feeling such harsh judgement from others about the way I have chosen to live my life. These days, I am trying so hard to be as transparent as possible with everyone I am close to in my life, and this is why I felt the need to express this to all of you.From a young age, I have always felt a lot of fear. I always joke that I have been anxious since the age of four, but honestly, it’s not a joke; I remember what was probably my first #Anxiety attack at that age when I realized I would have to start going to school and that my daily routine would change. Change has always terrified me, hence why I try so hard to have so much control over every aspect of my life, even when I know I am taking on an impossible task in doing so. One thing I discovered as I got older that had the capacity to drastically change people was alcohol. I have distinct memories from when I was younger of being so frightened after seeing people acting so strangely under the influence of alcohol, and those moments have never left me.Growing up, I watched friends deal with the horrific effects alcohol could have on a family, as their loved ones died and others faded away from who they truly were. As the years went on, I watched as other friends died from drug overdoses or drunk driving, all the while wondering how many more people I would have to watch go through this before we all finally woke the fuck up and realized what we were all doing.Fast forward to college when casual drinking became the only way anyone knew how to let loose and have fun. I attended a total of three parties the entirety of my four-year college career, and those three times were all it took for me to realize that this was not the life I wanted to live. I watched a person set their arm on fire after taking a flaming shot and noticed how everyone just thought it was funny, rather than recognizing the serious danger everyone could have been in. I got pressured into going to an annual party where the goal is to get the underage freshman as drunk as possible and ended up leaving before the party really even started. I have gotten stuck in a basement taking care of some of the drunkest friends I will ever have, waiting for the cops to leave and hoping nobody got caught. All of these memories are from three separate occasions; I cannot help but wonder how much darker my memories would be if I had attended any more. I just want to know at what point all of that becomes fun. I don’t remember having any fun, I just remember being scared. I was always so scared.Even after going through all of these negative experiences involving excessive drinking, I somehow found myself in a serious relationship with an alcoholic. I believe that a lot of my issues with drinking were made worse from this relationship, but I do need everyone to understand that my feelings on alcohol are not a recent development. They have been brewing in me for years, and I think this relationship was what truly made me wake up and realize that I cannot change someone who does not want to change, even if they themselves are aware that what they are doing to themselves is hurting them. When we first met, he had recently stopped drinking. The person I went on my first date with was not the same person who showed up buzzed at my apartment after making their own alcohol, thinking that I wouldn’t be able to smell it on him. I could. The person who I talked with for five hours the first time we hung out is the not the same person who told me I was a burden, a buzzkill, and a lying slut. Alcohol has the power to change the most vulnerable ones among us, and in my personal experiences, these changes have not been good. I can pinpoint the exact moment when everything changed between us and that moment was when he started drinking again. You would think that someone who got put on probation at school for punching their best friend when they were drunk would realize that drinking is nothing but toxic for them, but unfortunately, addictions have a horrible way of telling you that you are the reason you do bad things, when it is the #Addiction fueling you the entire time.The most that I ever really drank was when I was with him, and there was a never a time that we did that I actually wanted to. I never finished my drinks, so naturally, he would. I only drank because he wanted me to, and all I ever wanted was for him to love me. He would admit to me that he wanted me to get drunk so that I would be more intimate with him, so that I would relax. I am so, so glad I never gave in to that. He would tell me I was a buzzkill because I wouldn’t get drunk with him; he could not understand why I did not just want to drink and let go like he did. Eventually, I would learn that he would never be able to understand me.He broke up with me multiple times when he was drunk, and later on I would learn that he did not even remember that he had done so until the next day when he realized I had blocked him. I have been broken up with over Facebook messenger while he was drunk at a club at 4am in another country because I was becoming too much of a burden to him. I have been broken up with because a door slammed in my apartment, and he was too drunk to realize it wasn’t another guy leaving my apartment, it was just my roommate coming home. It got to the point where anything I said to him was almost always the wrong thing to say, and I never quite knew when would be the day he would break up with me all over again. He would ignore me for days, even when we were in the same city, in the same apartment building even. He loved to travel, and this is truly when a lot of his drinking really started to get to me. I would see him out living his life, drinking with girls in strange countries, all while I sat at home and wondered if he had found one to replace me yet. I was always just sitting around waiting for him.Once this relationship finally ended after almost three years of constant ups and downs, I was more damaged than ever before. The emotional abuse I endured because of someone else’s alcoholism is something I think will stay with me forever. I am slowly starting to heal from all of the pain caused by that relationship, but it is by no means a process that will be completed overnight. All of my close friends know that I went through this and that is why I am always so shocked by their reactions to me not wanting to go out and get drunk with them or be around them when they are planning to drink.Alcohol really scares me. A lot. I know that might sound dumb or childish to some people, but it is the truth, and that is why I avoid it. I have never been drunk, and I don’t know how I would be if I ever was drunk, and I honestly do not ever want to find that out. I do not like being sick, and I don’t know why I would ever intentionally make myself feel that way when it can all be avoided. I am afraid of being around people who drink excessively because I always assume they will get mad at me, and so far, a lot of people have proven me right in that respect. It is not that I won’t go out for a casual drink or that I have never been a little tipsy before because I have been. I can go on a date to a bar or drink every now and then, but more often than not, I am perfectly fine being sober. I can sit at a bar and not drink and be perfectly happy, yet it seems that not everyone else can handle that. I have felt so much judgement from others from simply being at a bar while they drank, and I didn’t that I have just gotten to the point that I now generally avoid going out at all. Why would I even put myself in that situation when you have proven to me that you will never take the time to see it from my perspective?I am not even thirty years old, and the amount of people I now know who are my age and have already had to declare themselves sober because of their excessive drinking and drug use is truly terrifying. We aren’t even thirty you guys, how could it already be this bad? I have had friends admit that they know they will be alcoholics because a parent was and other friends who don’t care to even try to get better. I just wish that you cared about your lives as much as I care about all of you because we are all way too young to be so broken already. I know life is so difficult, and drinking is an easy way to cope, but what are you going to do when your coping mechanism turns into your suffering? There has to be a better way. I just want you to all understand why I have always desperately been searching for another way to ease my pain.I think this is one fear I am okay with never conquering.