Taylor

@blueberrybitz
My therapist recommended this for me and I think I need it. I do not have friends and I am not social so here's hoping
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What types of days do you have with BPD?

<p>What types of days do you have with BPD?</p>
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Hitting rock bottom

Long story short I was put on steroids for stress hives. And because I've been having am endless battle with my insurance company I ran out of some of my meds that keep me in control and was forced to spread out my other medications because my hours at work are being cut and I haven't been able to see my therapist. Right now leaving my job to find a new one isn't an option. Got to work one day and in my opinion i was having manic episode (I have bpd and I sometimes get them) and had a severe panic attack to the point where I was taken to the hospital and put on a 24 hour psychiatric hold and they still wouldn't give me the medicine I needed or any of my medicine and they wouldn't let me take a shower. I am an insomniac and would fall asleep and wake up not knowing what time it was or if it was even daylight yet and there would be a change in personal . I somehow managed to get out and I call my mom and found out that my grandpa had to have emergency surgery because his colon died. I hadn't even been out in the lobby for five minutes.
I make it home, call my mom again and my grandpa is on life support the next day my grandma took him off life support. And to top it all off that day was the day before my birthday. I do not know how to grieve properly I struggle with managing my emotions and I find it difficult to explain them to others. My first instinct is to shove all my feelings down and not deal with them . I know that's bad. I'm lost and so tired of fighting this endless battle with my mental health

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Reaching my end

I am really struggling. I am exhausted of fighting my past abuses and rapes. I am exhausted down to my soul. In therapy, but still a rough battle. I feel very alone.
#Depression
#Anxiety
#CPTSD
#Suicide

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PTSD or Overdramatic? #PTSD #Trauma

So, I want to preface this post by explaining something. I’ll keep it as short as I can.

Growing up, I spent nearly every weekend with my grandparents. They were the best humans to us back the . My grandpa was my bestie. He spoiled me rotten. Well in 2015, my grandma passed from cancer. It was a long battle she had been fighting for a couple years. We were all a mess. Then, my grandpa started to drink. So he started paying me to come over and clean up the house and what not. I was 16 and didn’t have a job so why not? Well, December 2016 came around and we tried to prepare for Christmas, as it was always my grandma’s favorite holiday. My grandpa asked if I wanted to come with him to shop for Christmas. I obviously said yes. He was sad and lonely and I wanted to help. Well the night before we were supposed to go, I went with my boyfriend at the time to a basketball game and tried to call my grandpa and wake him up (he worked nights about 2 hours from home and needed help waking up). And he didn’t answer. I called a couple times and I was getting angry because I figured he drank too much and was just wasted. So I gave up and figured that he would maybe learn his lesson if he missed work. The next morning, my mom wakes me up and asks if I talked to him. I told her I tried but he never answered. She had tried to call him and he also never picked up and she was getting worried. She said she was going to go check on him and I jumped out of bed to go with her.

We got there and we found him. Dead. On his bathroom floor. I won’t go into much afterwards, but needless to say, it was not a great day and I think about it a lot.

Fast forward to Friday. Im at work. My husband, ironically, also works midnights. And I do want to mention that he had renal cancer a couple years ago.

So while im at work he sleeps and he messages me when he gets up. But on nights he doesn’t work, he sleeps in a little longer. So I waited and figured he was sleeping in. But an hour passed and I still hadn’t heard from him and my dad was going to take something to my house to drop off so I was calling him, which usually wakes him up. I called him probably 15 times and after the 3rd try, I started to get concerned. My boss told me to run home to check on him and so my dad could bring the stuff in. So I raced home (I live close), and ran in to see if he was okay. He was, thank goodness but I started to cry. I wrapped my arms around him and just cried. He’s like ‘is this because I had cancer?’ Im like ‘yes but also because of my grandpa’.

My dad and my husband don’t get it. I ended up getting mad at him because he acted like it was something I didn’t have to be so freaked about. I told him, ‘you have no idea what I went through that day. You weren’t there. You lose someone you love so suddenly and then find them like that…..’ He did apologize for making it seem like I made a big deal about it.

Now I’m just wondering, is this what PTSD is? I haven’t been diagnosed with it but I genuinely feel like I have it. This wasn’t the first time I’ve left work thinking my husband was dead because he slept through his alarm. I wish I could turn it off but I can’t. My mom is the same way with my dad. We both act the same about it. So….possible PTSD or am I overreacting?

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Anyone else here?

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Feeling alienated

Threw up at work today:( I wasn't feeling good when I got up but this one manager was working and I knew if I called out she will either try to get me to come in even though I had been throwing up that night or she'll get very mean and demeaning towards me. When I got sick (I couldn't even make it to the bathroom I had to go in the back where the cooks were) that manager was on her break. Another manager who I consider a friend told me to go home. She herself had gotten sick that morning before she came in. My friend said to go home in a tone that made me feel guilty for throwing up and having to leave early. My other friend is now being trained as a manager. I'm happy for her and I am in no way management material. I have a lot of issues PTSD being one of them and I can't even work on back line. I can't even do drive thru half the time. When there's too much noise my brain freezes and I can hardly function.
I'm very socially awkward I have a hard time making friends and I don't trust people in general. I'm starting to feel left out. I know it sounds stupid but I am up front most of the time and pretty much anyone I can relate to is in the back. My manager "friends" understand my level of anxiety to a degree but that one manager does not. She can be very rude and demeaning towards me especially if I'm having a panic attack and now my "friends" seem to be acting the same way. I don't know if all of this is just in my head or if I'm being logical or if it's a little of both. Maybe I'm taking it to personally I don't know. I do know that I'm feeling lonely and left out..... again. Can anybody relate

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Venting abot Mt paranoia

My paranoia with females is bad to say the least. I have a very hard time trusting females who are my age or older and sometimes even younger. At my job most of my managers are females and it took me awhile to feel comfortable around them and even consider them friends. There is one however that I do not like or trust. She is younger than me but I understand that she is a manager and I respect her as my manager. She is thankfully leaving at the end of this month. It's the tone of voice that she uses with me that makes my mood change immediately. It's a disapproving angry tone that my mother use to give me to emotionally manipulate me. It's a trigger and it takes all the self control I have not to just cuss her out and walk away. She wants to be a nurse and yet if I am having a panic attack or I am sick and cannot make it to work she tries to get me to come in anyway. I will admit I am a hypochondriac and I have PTSD along with bpd. However she gets mad if I have to walk into the back to deesculate of there's to much noise going on around me. I get frustrated and my brain shuts down and at the end of the day I'm in such a bad mood and exhausted that I need at least 3 hours to decompress. Logically I know she's not singling me out to put me through this but there's that voice inside my head saying 'she's out to get you, she's talking about you, she's laughing at you.) I'm just exhausted.

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Failure

I've come to accept that the best part of my life was from about age 12-17. From then on its been nothing but #failure , #Anxiety , #Depression , #SuicidalThoughts , #Bipolar2Disorder and finally a #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder diagnosis. Somehow I found the perfect woman to love me unconditionally, but we had a son together and I've come to realize I never should have had a kid. I love him more than anything, but he's just like me and I have to watch him go through all of this, which is so much worse than going through it myself. I don't know what to do because he refuses any kind of help, just like I used to. I'm in a living hell...

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