BRITZEL44

i get it now after writing about my happy place and having a purpose their, when my therapist said that I could be done with therapy that soon I wouldn't need it anymore, that should of made me happy but instead it made me sad, because it wasn't about the progress I made but about how it made me feel, it made me feel like I have a purpose again. I'm working towards something. she pointed out I couldn't use her as a crutch, but it's nothing like it. when I go to her office I feel like I am making a difference, I feel like i switched my happy place, I noticed my peak of happiness is when I know I have an appointment that week or day. I'm afraid that when it ends I'll get sad again. I feel like when I'm there I'm apart of a bigger plan, bigger than I could imagine. I'm kind of independent, I'm kind of stubborn, I have a plan and I want to lead. I have a way mapped out in my head of how I imagine thing's will be, I follow it out with my whole heart attached.

It's painful to read this after writing it so many months ago, therapy ended in a bad spot and thing's looked promising but I also ruin things that look promising.

I realized something this morning after getting 10 hours of sleep. when someone tells me to do self care sometimes. i think to myself that I don't need it right now, glad that I got a better understanding of it first, and why I didn't think I needed it now was because my life isn't busy at all, I have to much time on my hand's and getting bored, my work at home, is only lasting one day a week at home that I started to neglect that too because I figured what's the point, I'll be bored again. it's hard for me to be confined in one spot for too long, I like a long list that I can barely keep up with, if theirs not much on the list, I start getting depressed, I start neglecting everything, eating, sleeping, i want to stay up most of the night with my friends and try sleeping all day like them but my internal clock still wants to get up early even if i went to bed at 3am. I start to think why shower when I'm not doing anything. This is unhealthy, but during the winter this is what I wrestle with. I always associate busyness with stress and self care when having anxious thoughts, panic attacks, or things happening to my dog then I use the techniques but I realized you can be stressed when not busy, because stressful heavy thoughts can weigh your mind, heart and body down. again, self care isn't just for when your busy and need to slow down. it's for these things too, when you need a time out from the heaviness. every monday night I usually get my massage pad out, and a facial, I realized i haven't done it in a while because I wasn't busy, last night I used it for an hour instead of my usual 30 mintues. didn't want to stop using it, I was so relaxed and felt so much better this morning.

My dream one day is to have a home that is a fixer upper and make it beautiful and everything that represents me, but also because I believe anything can be renewed, repolished and refined. A fenced in backyard, so dog's can happily play, A grooming station, an outdoor agility course and a place to board dog's. Fix the home with love, lavender and adventure. To teach classes and to teach kids the importance of bonding with their dog, to learn to serve with and next to them, to explore all possibilities, dogs can learn many things to help kids and families in daily living, kind of like a service dog. It's about everyone and the dog living up to their full potential. I want to pair dogs with those who struggle with mental illness and teach them to thrive together. plus one day I want to add more pugs, cavapoo and king Charles cavalier- stay tuned for more dreams.

My problem with hope and mental illness, or a better way to phrase it my struggle with hope and mental illness. we spend a lifetime trying, fighting and struggle to overcome something you cant, to the point it makes me so angry and I cry. we cling to hope expecting this amazing thing to happen just to fall down over and over again. disappointed and after disappointed. I hear of others that struggle years to get a degree and never finish because of their mental illness, or they get that degree but their mental illness prevents them for using it. people who long for a healthy marriage but their mental illness destroys a lot of relationships, while those affected easily move on, those who untentionally cause harm is broken, I am traumatized by it. panic attacks, disscociating, triggered, scared and its hard to ignore them. I wanna have hope, but history doesn't lie, it might not be written in stone but it doesn't make it easy. yes I want to give up. I don't want to spend a lifetime chasing after something I can obtain, keep or achieve. I am angry at God, He blesses me and then takes it away shortly after. I invest my heart just to be torn in pieces. I know theirs rewards in Heaven but why can't I enjoy lasting things here too. I feel like Job but a never ending job. everything I enjoy or love or work hard for was meant to be destroyed. I feel that bad things are always suppose to happen to me. ever time I have hope, it gets crushed. I worked so hard in therapy, gave it my all, I wanted to be a better person, to be healthy. all though, I don't want to discredit the therapist I had, she was amazing and so very thankful to her. I get so tired of fighting, exhausted and takes a piece out of me each time I lose the battle. i have hopes and dreams just like anybody else but I don't want to be a failure, their are already people who see theirs not much to me. I'm not always this way, I get so excited about opportunities, I give my all but the results are always the same. I'm not good enough. I told my therapist at times that I was too broken to be fixed. I want to be whole. I fight so hard for other's, because I want them to be the best version of themselves and I want to be my best for them. I want want to get to the end of life, with nothing because so far every meaningful blessing to me has disappeared but the regrets remain, beautiful tragic memories are stored and my heart is fighting to hold on.

My dream one day is to have a home that is a fixer upper and make it beautiful and everything that represents me, but also because I believe anything can be renewed, repolished and refined. A fenced in backyard, so dog's can happily play, A grooming station, an outdoor agility course and a place to board dog's. Fix the home with love, lavender and adventure. To teach classes and to teach kids the importance of bonding with their dog, to learn to serve with and next to them, to explore all possibilities, dogs can learn many things to help kids and families in daily living, kind of like a service dog. It's about everyone and the dog living up to their full potential. I want to pair dogs with those who struggle with mental illness and teach them to thrive together. plus one day I want to add more pugs, cavapoo and king Charles cavalier- stay tuned for more dreams.

My problem with hope and mental illness, or a better way to phrase it my struggle with hope and mental illness. we spend a lifetime trying, fighting and struggle to overcome something you cant, to the point it makes me so angry and I cry. we cling to hope expecting this amazing thing to happen just to fall down over and over again. disappointed and after disappointed. I hear of others that struggle years to get a degree and never finish because of their mental illness, or they get that degree but their mental illness prevents them for using it. people who long for a healthy marriage but their mental illness destroys a lot of relationships, while those affected easily move on, those who untentionally cause harm is broken, I am traumatized by it. panic attacks, disscociating, triggered, scared and its hard to ignore them. I wanna have hope, but history doesn't lie, it might not be written in stone but it doesn't make it easy. yes I want to give up. I don't want to spend a lifetime chasing after something I can obtain, keep or achieve. I am angry at God, He blesses me and then takes it away shortly after. I invest my heart just to be torn in pieces. I know theirs rewards in Heaven but why can't I enjoy lasting things here too. I feel like Job but a never ending job. everything I enjoy or love or work hard for was meant to be destroyed. I feel that bad things are always suppose to happen to me. ever time I have hope, it gets crushed. I worked so hard in therapy, gave it my all, I wanted to be a better person, to be healthy. all though, I don't want to discredit the therapist I had, she was amazing and so very thankful to her. I get so tired of fighting, exhausted and takes a piece out of me each time I lose the battle. i have hopes and dreams just like anybody else but I don't want to be a failure, their are already people who see theirs not much to me. I'm not always this way, I get so excited about opportunities, I give my all but the results are always the same. I'm not good enough. I told my therapist at times that I was too broken to be fixed. I want to be whole. I fight so hard for other's, because I want them to be the best version of themselves and I want to be my best for them. I want want to get to the end of life, with nothing because so far every meaningful blessing to me has disappeared but the regrets remain, beautiful tragic memories are stored and my heart is fighting to hold on.

My problem with hope and mental illness, or a better way to phrase it my struggle with hope and mental illness. we spend a lifetime trying, fighting and struggle to overcome something you cant, to the point it makes me so angry and I cry. we cling to hope expecting this amazing thing to happen just to fall down over and over again. disappointed and after disappointed. I hear of others that struggle years to get a degree and never finish because of their mental illness, or they get that degree but their mental illness prevents them for using it. people who long for a healthy marriage but their mental illness destroys a lot of relationships, while those affected easily move on, those who untentionally cause harm is broken, I am traumatized by it. panic attacks, disscociating, triggered, scared and its hard to ignore them. I wanna have hope, but history doesn't lie, it might not be written in stone but it doesn't make it easy. yes I want to give up. I don't want to spend a lifetime chasing after something I can obtain, keep or achieve. I am angry at God, He blesses me and then takes it away shortly after. I invest my heart just to be torn in pieces. I know theirs rewards in Heaven but why can't I enjoy lasting things here too. I feel like Job but a never ending job. everything I enjoy or love or work hard for was meant to be destroyed. I feel that bad things are always suppose to happen to me. ever time I have hope, it gets crushed. I worked so hard in therapy, gave it my all, I wanted to be a better person, to be healthy. all though, I don't want to discredit the therapist I had, she was amazing and so very thankful to her. I get so tired of fighting, exhausted and takes a piece out of me each time I lose the battle. i have hopes and dreams just like anybody else but I don't want to be a failure, their are already people who see theirs not much to me. I'm not always this way, I get so excited about opportunities, I give my all but the results are always the same. I'm not good enough. I told my therapist at times that I was too broken to be fixed. I want to be whole. I fight so hard for other's, because I want them to be the best version of themselves and I want to be my best for them. I want want to get to the end of life, with nothing because so far every meaningful blessing to me has disappeared but the regrets remain, beautiful tragic memories are stored and my heart is fighting to hold on.

My problem with hope and mental illness, or a better way to phrase it my struggle with hope and mental illness. we spend a lifetime trying, fighting and struggle to overcome something you cant, to the point it makes me so angry and I cry. we cling to hope expecting this amazing thing to happen just to fall down over and over again. disappointed and after disappointed. I hear of others that struggle years to get a degree and never finish because of their mental illness, or they get that degree but their mental illness prevents them for using it. people who long for a healthy marriage but their mental illness destroys a lot of relationships, while those affected easily move on, those who untentionally cause harm is broken, I am traumatized by it. panic attacks, disscociating, triggered, scared and its hard to ignore them. I wanna have hope, but history doesn't lie, it might not be written in stone but it doesn't make it easy. yes I want to give up. I don't want to spend a lifetime chasing after something I can obtain, keep or achieve. I am angry at God, He blesses me and then takes it away shortly after. I invest my heart just to be torn in pieces. I know theirs rewards in Heaven but why can't I enjoy lasting things here too. I feel like Job but a never ending job. everything I enjoy or love or work hard for was meant to be destroyed. I feel that bad things are always suppose to happen to me. ever time I have hope, it gets crushed. I worked so hard in therapy, gave it my all, I wanted to be a better person, to be healthy. all though, I don't want to discredit the therapist I had, she was amazing and so very thankful to her. I get so tired of fighting, exhausted and takes a piece out of me each time I lose the battle. i have hopes and dreams just like anybody else but I don't want to be a failure, their are already people who see theirs not much to me. I'm not always this way, I get so excited about opportunities, I give my all but the results are always the same. I'm not good enough. I told my therapist at times that I was too broken to be fixed. I want to be whole. I fight so hard for other's, because I want them to be the best version of themselves and I want to be my best for them. I want want to get to the end of life, with nothing because so far every meaningful blessing to me has disappeared but the regrets remain, beautiful tragic memories are stored and my heart is fighting to hold on.

Dear anyone who will listen, I carry a lot of weight, of past mistakes even though I've asked God to take the pain away, forgave but the memories keep me tied, I've tried to come to terms that ill always be on the losing end. I can become close to someone but I don't know how to keep myself from getting attached, getting attached or borderline is described as favorite person or favorite people. its the best feeling in the world for me with the most damaging results. I feel at my best until someone walks away when I've self stabatogized meaningful relationship, meaningful relationships are heavy. so the dilemma become happy and lose the person since I haven't figured out how to keep people I love or try not to become close to others to keep them safe, those results empty, lonely, unhappy. I don't like anything surface level but the deeper you go, the deeper the pain you get, we never know how deep someone's well is, or how filled their bottle is. I've always wished I could take others pain away and carry for them. I've given it to God, I've cried out but it still feels heavy. Rock added upon rock, over the years but none has been reduce yet I try to give my life to help as many people as I can even if they disagree with what I am doing because of a passion on my heart, I feel heavy for those who deal with mental illness or personality disorders I've tried giving Hope others while starting to lose mine. for months I now I feel disconnected from myself, from others, from my purpose, from God, from the close friends I have left. when I'm around people trying to connect they feel a million miles away even when I'm trying my hardest to focus on them. I get triggered over situation, thoughts, feelings, environments, I use to have skin, but my protective layer is thin or non existing, I can't handle much, little things become huge stressors, things I once enjoyed I now have a hard time doing like kayaking, I cry when I kayak by myself, have a hard time doing my odd jobs, I become scared easily and have a hard time staying alive when loneliness kicks in. The person I wanna be is tainted by trauma, by mental illness. I don't want to use them as an excuse but I also know that I can't overcome them either, I've tried and tried again but borderline or bipolar or trauma takes over my brain at any given moment and then I lose piece by piece as I fight them, but here's the things sorrys will only get you so far, promise the same even when progress is made, a disorder rears its ugly head and says my turn but people dont see is the constant fight against it. trying to lessen the damage though the mind is having a hard time thinking rational, but my inner person is screaming inside saying please Don't do this again. my heart aches for every loss. every loss is beautiful, a gentle heart, a generous soul, A heart full of love, a spirit of caregiving, wise counsel, worthy of praise, memories that fill the heart gladness, immeasurable value, tender heart, sweet voices who seek good, role models, Godly. so many things that are loss. yes they can be replaced but their wouldn't be another alike. Dear anyone who will listen, I carry a lot of weight, of past mistakes even though I've asked God to take the pain away, forgave but the memories keep me tied, I've tried to come to terms that ill always be on the losing end. I can become close to someone but I don't know how to keep myself from getting attached, getting attached or borderline is described as favorite person or favorite people. its the best feeling in the world for me with the most damaging results. I feel at my best until someone walks away when I've self stabatogized meaningful relationship, meaningful relationships are heavy. so the dilemma become happy and lose the person since I haven't figured out how to keep people I love or try not to become close to others to keep them safe, those results empty, lonely, unhappy. I don't like anything surface level but the deeper you go, the deeper the pain you get, we never know how deep someone's well is, or how filled their bottle is. I've always wished I could take others pain away and carry for them. I've given it to God, I've cried out but it still feels heavy. Rock added upon rock, over the years but none has been reduce yet I try to give my life to help as many people as I can even if they disagree with what I am doing because of a passion on my heart, I feel heavy for those who deal with mental illness or personality disorders I've tried giving others while starting to lose mine. for months I now I feel disconnected from myself, from others, from my purpose, from God, from the close friends I have left. when I'm around people trying to connect they feel a million miles away even when I'm trying my hardest to focus on them. I get triggered over situation, thoughts, feelings, environments, I use to have skin, but my protective layer is thin or none existing, I can't handle much, little things become huge stressors, things I once enjoyed I now have a hard time doing like kayaking, I cry when I kayak by myself, have a hard time doing my odd jobs, I become scared easily and have a hard time staying alive when loneliness kicks in. The person I wanna be is tainted by trauma, by mental illness. I don't want to use them as an excuse but I also know that I can't overcome them either, I've tried and tried again but borderline or bipolar or trauma takes over my brain at any given moment and then I lose piece by piece as I fight them, but here's the things sorrys will only get you so far, promise the same even when progress is made, a disorder rears its ugly head and says my turn but people dont see is the constant fight against it. trying to lessen the damage though the mind is having a hard time thinking rational, but my inner person is screaming inside saying please Don't do this again. my heart aches for every loss. every loss is beautiful, a gentle heart, a generous soul, A heart full of love, a spirit of caregiving, wise counsel, worthy of praise, memories that fill the heart gladness, immeasurable value, tender heart, sweet voices who seek good, role models, Godly. so many things that are loss. yes they can be replaced but their wouldn't be another alike. so when say theirs better, we rank people but each one is valued the same. Nobody has to believe me or value what I say but I rather say what is on my heart, I rather have others against than to let these words go unheard, words that are unfiltered.

I don't know how anyone can move forward in hope, maybe its just because im melocholy kind of person, I value each person, the hardest part is knowing I wont get them back, we are quick to blame toxicity on others, we throw that word around loosely. we have become easy at blame shifting, but maybe most times we are the problem.

Dear anyone who will listen, I carry a lot of weight, of past mistakes even though I've asked God to take the pain away, forgave but the memories keep me tied, I've tried to come to terms that ill always be on the losing end. I can become close to someone but I don't know how to keep myself from getting attached, getting attached or borderline is described as favorite person or favorite people. its the best feeling in the world for me with the most damaging results. I feel at my best until someone walks away when I've self stabatogized meaningful relationship, meaningful relationships are heavy. so the dilemma become happy and lose the person since I haven't figured out how to keep people I love or try not to become close to others to keep them safe, those results empty, lonely, unhappy. I don't like anything surface level but the deeper you go, the deeper the pain you get, we never know how deep someone's well is, or how filled their bottle is. I've always wished I could take others pain away and carry for them. I've given it to God, I've cried out but it still feels heavy. Rock added upon rock, over the years but none has been reduce yet I try to give my life to help as many people as I can even if they disagree with what I am doing because of a passion on my heart, I feel heavy for those who deal with mental illness or personality disorders I've tried giving Hope others while starting to lose mine. for months I now I feel disconnected from myself, from others, from my purpose, from God, from the close friends I have left. when I'm around people trying to connect they feel a million miles away even when I'm trying my hardest to focus on them. I get triggered over situation, thoughts, feelings, environments, I use to have skin, but my protective layer is thin or non existing, I can't handle much, little things become huge stressors, things I once enjoyed I now have a hard time doing like kayaking, I cry when I kayak by myself, have a hard time doing my odd jobs, I become scared easily and have a hard time staying alive when loneliness kicks in. The person I wanna be is tainted by trauma, by mental illness. I don't want to use them as an excuse but I also know that I can't overcome them either, I've tried and tried again but borderline or bipolar or trauma takes over my brain at any given moment and then I lose piece by piece as I fight them, but here's the things sorrys will only get you so far, promise the same even when progress is made, a disorder rears its ugly head and says my turn but people dont see is the constant fight against it. trying to lessen the damage though the mind is having a hard time thinking rational, but my inner person is screaming inside saying please Don't do this again. my heart aches for every loss. every loss is beautiful, a gentle heart, a generous soul, A heart full of love, a spirit of caregiving, wise counsel, worthy of praise, memories that fill the heart gladness, immeasurable value, tender heart, sweet voices who seek good, role models, Godly. so many things that are loss. yes they can be replaced but their wouldn't be another alike. Dear anyone who will listen, I carry a lot of weight, of past mistakes even though I've asked God to take the pain away, forgave but the memories keep me tied, I've tried to come to terms that ill always be on the losing end. I can become close to someone but I don't know how to keep myself from getting attached, getting attached or borderline is described as favorite person or favorite people. its the best feeling in the world for me with the most damaging results. I feel at my best until someone walks away when I've self stabatogized meaningful relationship, meaningful relationships are heavy. so the dilemma become happy and lose the person since I haven't figured out how to keep people I love or try not to become close to others to keep them safe, those results empty, lonely, unhappy. I don't like anything surface level but the deeper you go, the deeper the pain you get, we never know how deep someone's well is, or how filled their bottle is. I've always wished I could take others pain away and carry for them. I've given it to God, I've cried out but it still feels heavy. Rock added upon rock, over the years but none has been reduce yet I try to give my life to help as many people as I can even if they disagree with what I am doing because of a passion on my heart, I feel heavy for those who deal with mental illness or personality disorders I've tried giving others while starting to lose mine. for months I now I feel disconnected from myself, from others, from my purpose, from God, from the close friends I have left. when I'm around people trying to connect they feel a million miles away even when I'm trying my hardest to focus on them. I get triggered over situation, thoughts, feelings, environments, I use to have skin, but my protective layer is thin or none existing, I can't handle much, little things become huge stressors, things I once enjoyed I now have a hard time doing like kayaking, I cry when I kayak by myself, have a hard time doing my odd jobs, I become scared easily and have a hard time staying alive when loneliness kicks in. The person I wanna be is tainted by trauma, by mental illness. I don't want to use them as an excuse but I also know that I can't overcome them either, I've tried and tried again but borderline or bipolar or trauma takes over my brain at any given moment and then I lose piece by piece as I fight them, but here's the things sorrys will only get you so far, promise the same even when progress is made, a disorder rears its ugly head and says my turn but people dont see is the constant fight against it. trying to lessen the damage though the mind is having a hard time thinking rational, but my inner person is screaming inside saying please Don't do this again. my heart aches for every loss. every loss is beautiful, a gentle heart, a generous soul, A heart full of love, a spirit of caregiving, wise counsel, worthy of praise, memories that fill the heart gladness, immeasurable value, tender heart, sweet voices who seek good, role models, Godly. so many things that are loss. yes they can be replaced but their wouldn't be another alike. so when say theirs better, we rank people but each one is valued the same. Nobody has to believe me or value what I say but I rather say what is on my heart, I rather have others against than to let these words go unheard, words that are unfiltered.

I don't know how anyone can move forward in hope, maybe its just because im melocholy kind of person, I value each person, the hardest part is knowing I wont get them back, we are quick to blame toxicity on others, we throw that word around loosely. we have become easy at blame shifting, but maybe most times we are the problem.