daydreamer5867

I hate being numb all the time. Life just seems like it is passing by and I barely feel anything other than anxiety and sadness. Everything seems grey. No colour. No excitement. It's like I live with headphones. I basically stop hearing and stop processing what's going around me. Especially when I'm with other people or when I'm driving. I keep on forgetting things and zoning out. I think Ive been emotionally dead for so long that I don't even know what living is. I'm broken. I'm trapped in my head and I don't know how to get out. People call me quiet but they have no idea. This has been going on for so long that I just feel like failed in life. I know other people would only wish to be alive (ex.physically sick people)and I'm here not wanting anything to do with life and I'm just wasting it. Letting it apss by. #Depression #SuicidalThoughts #SuicidalIdeation #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Dissociation #numb #sad

I hate being numb all the time. Life just seems like it is passing by and I barely feel anything other than anxiety and sadness. Everything seems grey. No colour. No excitement. It's like I live with headphones. I basically stop hearing and stop processing what's going around me. Especially when I'm with other people or when I'm driving. I keep on forgetting things and zoning out. I think Ive been emotionally dead for so long that I don't even know what living is. I'm broken. I'm trapped in my head and I don't know how to get out. People call me quiet but they have no idea. This has been going on for so long that I just feel like failed in life. I know other people would only wish to be alive (ex.physically sick people)and I'm here not wanting anything to do with life and I'm just wasting it. Letting it apss by. #Depression #SuicidalThoughts #SuicidalIdeation #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Dissociation #numb #sad

Sometimes I just feel that with the DBT group that I am doing, it makes me realize how much I need to learn about emotions and how to properly deal with life. It's like I'm tearing everything that I was taught, or what I used in survival mode. It's making me question everything. It's making me question what I thought was safe or the right thing to do. Sometimes I feel like I have to destroy every part of myself to fit in a "better" mold. A mold that can function in society. I know it's to get me in a better place. A less suffering place. But when you have been suffering for so long the suffering feels safe and secure. It's a place that I know. I don't know what it's like to be happy. I don't know what it's like to live in a world where you don't have suicidal thoughts everyday. I don't know what it's like to not have that hamster of thoughts in your hear quiet down. Everything is unknown. I'm so confused. I'm just so scared. I don't know who to trust, what to trust and who I am anymore . I just need someone to lead the way. I don't know what to do anymore. Being at the bottom and having nothing left is not a good feeling. I just feel empty and part of me doesn't care what happens to me. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPD #Depression #SuicidalThoughts #SuicidalIdeation #Therapy

Sometimes I just feel that with the DBT group that I am doing, it makes me realize how much I need to learn about emotions and how to properly deal with life. It's like I'm tearing everything that I was taught, or what I used in survival mode. It's making me question everything. It's making me question what I thought was safe or the right thing to do. Sometimes I feel like I have to destroy every part of myself to fit in a "better" mold. A mold that can function in society. I know it's to get me in a better place. A less suffering place. But when you have been suffering for so long the suffering feels safe and secure. It's a place that I know. I don't know what it's like to be happy. I don't know what it's like to live in a world where you don't have suicidal thoughts everyday. I don't know what it's like to not have that hamster of thoughts in your hear quiet down. Everything is unknown. I'm so confused. I'm just so scared. I don't know who to trust, what to trust and who I am anymore . I just need someone to lead the way. I don't know what to do anymore. Being at the bottom and having nothing left is not a good feeling. I just feel empty and part of me doesn't care what happens to me. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPD #Depression #SuicidalThoughts #SuicidalIdeation #Therapy

Sometimes I just feel that with the DBT group that I am doing, it makes me realize how much I need to learn about emotions and how to properly deal with life. It's like I'm tearing everything that I was taught, or what I used in survival mode. It's making me question everything. It's making me question what I thought was safe or the right thing to do. Sometimes I feel like I have to destroy every part of myself to fit in a "better" mold. A mold that can function in society. I know it's to get me in a better place. A less suffering place. But when you have been suffering for so long the suffering feels safe and secure. It's a place that I know. I don't know what it's like to be happy. I don't know what it's like to live in a world where you don't have suicidal thoughts everyday. I don't know what it's like to not have that hamster of thoughts in your hear quiet down. Everything is unknown. I'm so confused. I'm just so scared. I don't know who to trust, what to trust and who I am anymore . I just need someone to lead the way. I don't know what to do anymore. Being at the bottom and having nothing left is not a good feeling. I just feel empty and part of me doesn't care what happens to me. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPD #Depression #SuicidalThoughts #SuicidalIdeation #Therapy

Apparently BPD is not a mental illness, it's just a disorder. It's not my brain that lacks some chemicals. It is caused by leant behavior in childhood. So basically all of it is my fault. I didn't understand something. I didn't learn something properly. It's my fault, everything is my fault. Just like with my ex best friend. It's my fault she left. I didn't know how to deal with my emotions and I scared her off. I still think about what happened everyday. It's been almost a year and I still think about it everyday. It's my fault I don't feel the connection with my mother. She says she loves me but why don't I feel it back. I never understood why. It my fault I have a broken heart. People say life is worth living. But how can they say that when they haven't felt this way. The feeling that your drowning. The feeling of hurt. The anxiety that breathes down your neck. The constant belief that no one cares. The little girl inside me is so scared. This life has thrown so much at me. Fake friends. People leaving. Trusting people and being broken down. Why can't I learn. Why does it seem impossible to want to live. I've been thinking about ending it since I was a child. I never thought I was going to be alive right now. I don't understand what I'm suppose to do with my life. I never planned on being here that long. I just try and get rhrought the day. As soon as I don't have to pretend to be a normal person around others, I fall apart. I try and use my coping skills, but I'm still so tired. I'm tired from forcing myself to get out of bed everyday. I'm tired of distracting myself from the thoughts in my brain. I'm tired because all of my energy is put to surviving and people don't understand because all they see is how unproductive/lazy I am or how many hours I sleep.#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SuicidalIdeation #Depression #SuicidalThoughts

Apparently BPD is not a mental illness, it's just a disorder. It's not my brain that lacks some chemicals. It is caused by leant behavior in childhood. So basically all of it is my fault. I didn't understand something. I didn't learn something properly. It's my fault, everything is my fault. Just like with my ex best friend. It's my fault she left. I didn't know how to deal with my emotions and I scared her off. I still think about what happened everyday. It's been almost a year and I still think about it everyday. It's my fault I don't feel the connection with my mother. She says she loves me but why don't I feel it back. I never understood why. It my fault I have a broken heart. People say life is worth living. But how can they say that when they haven't felt this way. The feeling that your drowning. The feeling of hurt. The anxiety that breathes down your neck. The constant belief that no one cares. The little girl inside me is so scared. This life has thrown so much at me. Fake friends. People leaving. Trusting people and being broken down. Why can't I learn. Why does it seem impossible to want to live. I've been thinking about ending it since I was a child. I never thought I was going to be alive right now. I don't understand what I'm suppose to do with my life. I never planned on being here that long. I just try and get rhrought the day. As soon as I don't have to pretend to be a normal person around others, I fall apart. I try and use my coping skills, but I'm still so tired. I'm tired from forcing myself to get out of bed everyday. I'm tired of distracting myself from the thoughts in my brain. I'm tired because all of my energy is put to surviving and people don't understand because all they see is how unproductive/lazy I am or how many hours I sleep.#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SuicidalIdeation #Depression #SuicidalThoughts

Apparently BPD is not a mental illness, it's just a disorder. It's not my brain that lacks some chemicals. It is caused by leant behavior in childhood. So basically all of it is my fault. I didn't understand something. I didn't learn something properly. It's my fault, everything is my fault. Just like with my ex best friend. It's my fault she left. I didn't know how to deal with my emotions and I scared her off. I still think about what happened everyday. It's been almost a year and I still think about it everyday. It's my fault I don't feel the connection with my mother. She says she loves me but why don't I feel it back. I never understood why. It my fault I have a broken heart. People say life is worth living. But how can they say that when they haven't felt this way. The feeling that your drowning. The feeling of hurt. The anxiety that breathes down your neck. The constant belief that no one cares. The little girl inside me is so scared. This life has thrown so much at me. Fake friends. People leaving. Trusting people and being broken down. Why can't I learn. Why does it seem impossible to want to live. I've been thinking about ending it since I was a child. I never thought I was going to be alive right now. I don't understand what I'm suppose to do with my life. I never planned on being here that long. I just try and get rhrought the day. As soon as I don't have to pretend to be a normal person around others, I fall apart. I try and use my coping skills, but I'm still so tired. I'm tired from forcing myself to get out of bed everyday. I'm tired of distracting myself from the thoughts in my brain. I'm tired because all of my energy is put to surviving and people don't understand because all they see is how unproductive/lazy I am or how many hours I sleep.#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SuicidalIdeation #Depression #SuicidalThoughts

Apparently BPD is not a mental illness, it's just a disorder. It's not my brain that lacks some chemicals. It is caused by leant behavior in childhood. So basically all of it is my fault. I didn't understand something. I didn't learn something properly. It's my fault, everything is my fault. Just like with my ex best friend. It's my fault she left. I didn't know how to deal with my emotions and I scared her off. I still think about what happened everyday. It's been almost a year and I still think about it everyday. It's my fault I don't feel the connection with my mother. She says she loves me but why don't I feel it back. I never understood why. It my fault I have a broken heart. People say life is worth living. But how can they say that when they haven't felt this way. The feeling that your drowning. The feeling of hurt. The anxiety that breathes down your neck. The constant belief that no one cares. The little girl inside me is so scared. This life has thrown so much at me. Fake friends. People leaving. Trusting people and being broken down. Why can't I learn. Why does it seem impossible to want to live. I've been thinking about ending it since I was a child. I never thought I was going to be alive right now. I don't understand what I'm suppose to do with my life. I never planned on being here that long. I just try and get rhrought the day. As soon as I don't have to pretend to be a normal person around others, I fall apart. I try and use my coping skills, but I'm still so tired. I'm tired from forcing myself to get out of bed everyday. I'm tired of distracting myself from the thoughts in my brain. I'm tired because all of my energy is put to surviving and people don't understand because all they see is how unproductive/lazy I am or how many hours I sleep.#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SuicidalIdeation #Depression #SuicidalThoughts

Most nights when I'm all alone with my thoughts I think to myself maybe I don't deserve to feel better. It's probably all my fault that I am like this. It's my fault I have depression, it's my fault I have anxiety, it's my fault I have suicidal thoughts and it's my fault I self harm. Everything is my fault. I don't deserve to feel better if I'm the one who caused this. I don't deserve help. I don't deserve love. I don't deserve kindness. I just deserve to die. #Depression #SuicidalThoughts #Selfharm