The Girl I Grieve
The girl I grieve.
She was not dumb or naive. She was young and hopeful. She was blissfully unaware of just how cruel life could be.
I grieve her often…
The girl who wanted four children. The girl who always imagined herself surrounded by her children and grandchildren. The girl who knew exactly the kind of mother she was going to be. She was going to do it all. Have it all.
Her children were going to win awards and be highly motivated to excel in school just like she was. She was going to nurture all their unique interests. Her life with her husband and children was going to be picture perfect. She did “everything the right way”… finished college, got a job, got married, bought a house, had a baby…in that order… so she deserved the happy ending, right? It’s almost laughable to think about that now.
She was silly to think the world owed her something. The world owes no one, she just didn’t know that yet. I secretly miss that about her. The optimism. The privilege she didn’t know she had.
She was carefree and fun. She wasn’t afraid of anything. She knew having children would be stressful but fulfilling. She looked forward to the challenge and the rewards of parenting.
She had no clue how quickly those dreams could be ripped away. She saw them all go up in flames in one split second. She was gone. She is missed, especially during times of great joy or conversations of more children… But she had to disappear. She was no longer needed. She could no longer exist because the reality of her life called for someone new to emerge.
I think of her…
Often…on sunny days…
I grieve her.
But I’m okay being okay without her. And he is more than enough for me.