kandace

@gemini
Community Voices

A joke

My last post was like 2 or 3 days before my gf broke up with me. Since then I’ve moved out of our apartment, back to my parents house and the first day back at work after moving I was laid off from my job. I feel like I lost my gf, one of the dogs we shared, my apartment and then my job all at the same time. And at this point I absolutely feel like the universe hates me. #Selfblame #Depression #sad #hopeless

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Same shit, different year

It’s a new year but yet I’m still feeling the same exact way I felt 3 years ago when I first posted. I feel like I’m having some sort of nervous breakdown. Accept this time is the first time I’ve been in a relationship through all the ups and downs of my mental health. It’s crazy how much more I hate myself now that I’m with my partner. It seems like being in a relationship exacerbates my feelings of self hatred bc I feel as though I’m a terrible partner and why tf would anyone want to be with me in the first place. I have no purpose, I haven’t accomplished anything in my career and I’m already 30. I absolutely hate my job and honestly makes me realize how much of a scam college is bc wtf was the point . All it did for me was give me debt that I can’t afford to pay back. I’m just rambling at this point. Will anyone read this.?Does it even matter at this point. It’s just a bunch of random thoughts from a pathetic individual.I think about the ways I could die almost every single day. It consumes my mind and almost brings me comfort. Is there a cure for this? Does therapy actually work? It hasn’t worked for me yet; it’s draining. The idea of searching for a new therapist and telling her the same stupid things just doesn’t seem appealing. The worst part is that I know that this can’t be fun for my partner to deal with. And that makes me even more sad. That I’m the reason my relationship is failing bc of my stupid fucking brain. I really fucking hate myself it makes me sick. To be this insignificant and to know that nothing I do on this earth will make any significant impact. I’m complaining about being alive essentially but too chicken shit to do anything about that either. This sick cycle of self hate is laughable at this point. I don’t deserve to be in any relationship. I’m getting on my own nerves.

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I’m tired of being trapped in this flesh prison...

I house and dog sat for some family friends last weekend (Gotta earn money somehow) and the dogs were extremely well behaved considering one was a puppy. But a week later and my body is still so exhausted and sore that I can barely do the basics (bathing, doing the dishes, getting dressed). It’s to the point where I haven’t painted in almost two weeks and that’s something I normally do almost everyday. No amount of resting or sleep has helped. I’m just hoping I didn’t set myself back again. #MitochondrialDisease #ChronicIllness #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #nausea #Fatigue #Undiagnosed #CheckInWithMe #exhaustion #Sickandtiredofbeingsickandtired

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Do I name my rapist?

I’ve struggled with this thought for weeks now. I know my rapist. He was my friend.

Technically I guess today it would be called “date rape”.

Do I name my rapist?

It was the fall of 1985. I had broken up with my boyfriend and went out for drinks after work with a mutual friend. We went to bar mid-week. We drank alcohol.

I awoke to find him on top of me, in me. I DID NOT want that. I tried to get away. He forced me to shower. I don’t know how I got there. Afterwards I realized we were in a motel room apparently.

Do I name my rapist?

I don’t know how I got home. Apparently I had driven myself. I was desperate and crying in my room when I woke my mother. I couldn’t tell her what happened. I was dumbfounded. I was in shock.

I had been raped by my friend.

How did this happen? How did I allow this to happen? What role did I play?

I still struggle with answers for these questions today.

I looked him up online today. We still live in the same city but don’t run in the same circles. I haven’t seen him in years. Looking at his photo I am repulsed. I want to vomit.

Do I name my rapist?

What would be the point?

The statute of limitations has run out.

I’m certain he would say it happened quite differently.

How do I prove it?

I’ve told my therapist. I’ve told my husband about it, but not who my rapist was. I’d be mortified.

I would be subject to scrutiny. I’m far, so very far from perfect.

He’s known locally as a ‘singer-songwriter ‘.

Do I name my rapist?

Not today. #Anxiety

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When you don’t want to die but you also don’t wanna live... #Depression

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im here..now what? #Depression

Just stumbled across this site/app after typing into google for the millionth time “why am i even here?” Just the casual self-shame, self-hate spiral. My daily affirmations include “you’re a worthless piece of shit, you have no purpose” .etc... idk if this will help but it’s the closet thing I’ve got to therapy I suppose. I am not the type of person to post stuff like this or comment on something mostly bc I feel it will get overlooked anyway and who the fuck cares about my opinions/problems anyway? but I don’t think I have any more options. I wish I could wake up one day and not hate every single thing about me, but I’ve come to think that it’s just my normal brain and this is how I’ll always feel. #Depression #SuicidalThoughts #Anxiety

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