I think it was about a year ago where I was reading about BPD, and note to others please don't self-diagnose. I brought it up to my therapist and we went over the symptoms, and to my therapist it did seem like I did. Apparently it is misdiagnosed among men because it is mostly seen as a woman's mental illness because it is more diagnosed among them.
I do get a lot of irrational thoughts and the relationship I have with people aren't the best. Being an INFP probably makes it worse along with having depression and anxiety. Sometimes the relationship I am in now, my mind creates really irrational thoughts of, oh she is cheating on me or would leave me or something. It sucks, it really does. I try making myself feel better saying, if that was hypothetically true, I deserve it, I was never worthy, there are so many people better looking than me, a better person than me, different reasons why someone should leave me. So in a way I am still believing those irrational thoughts to be somewhat true, in order to put myself down. To always feel undeserving, undesirable, and unable to be loved. Sometimes I just want to leave so I don't have to think those things ever. My mind still some how twists and turns to make it seem like it is possible. No matter how loyal I am, how loving I am, it isn't enough. It feels like it is never enough. It is like I always sought to be emotionally supported and loved. Whenever people aren't fully there I feel the need to cut. Cut those people out. Which is why in my previous post I put out why you can't get unlimited amount of love from people. You can only get it from God who is the source of all love. Can't depend on someone to be happy. I definitely do idealize her, she is the perfect person for me, but I do have those times where I believe she doesn't care enough. I do feel like I need to work on myself more. It has been such a wonderful and positive relationship for me. And part of me says I should leave because deep down, I am a bad person. She will find out that I am really a bad person and leave. I even had thoughts of suicide if those thoughts about her leaving or cheating were to be true. I don't maybe this is part of me in growing and making changes. I feel embarrassed and ashamed for even sharing this. At the end of the day I can always delete this, right? I shouldn't be like this...I don't even think I got my point across in what I wanted to say.
There are so many more things I can say about being a guy with BPD.