I’m so sick of existing…
Hello, everyone. I hope you’re all doing as well as you can be. I really need to rant to people who may understand what I’m going through. On November 4tb my sister gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy named Oskar. I’ve never loved anything or anyone as much as I love my gremlin (my pet name for him).
Ever since my sister announced the pregnancy, I’ve been terrified that I’ll only ever be known as ‘The Sick Aunt.’ The aunt he will dread going to see because I can’t play with him constantly, I’d have to take several breaks.
And then there have been other things going on…
I’m so fed up with my body. I hate it. Constantly interfering with anything that makes me happy or feel good.
Wanna go to King’s Lynn so I can go shopping? Have a date and then go back to my girlfriend’s house? Nope. Not allowed.
You haven’t paid attention to your bladder today. We’re going to make you piss yourself, then start getting cramps…
Wanna go to the fair? SURE! Ah, oh no… I have to stop after one ride because I was going to faint.
Then, Oskar playing on the floor, he keeps looking at me and reaching out to me. I sit on the floor to play. 5minutes later? Nah. Can’t do that. My hips, back and knees betray me as I slowly have to get up and he’s left with no one to play with.. I’m just so fucking frustrated and so sick of being me.
I just.. I really don’t know what to do. I’m so physically AND mentally exhausted.. I can’t cope with this. I don’t want to exist.