That archenemy called #SocialAnxiety has felt like a terror, terrible and overpowering, overwhelming and embarrassing. Going into public I have hidden behind my husband, my phone, my children. When heading into a situation with people I have been frozen outside wondering how I can sustain the nerves and fear. It takes so much out of me and so much time to recover. One distinct experience stands out in my memories.
I trembled inside as I willed myself to join a new group. I drove to a park. I got out of the van with my child I had with me that day. I forced myself to ask someone if I was in the right place. She verified that I was. Shortly after that my little child wandered a bit too far from me. It was then that I saw my exit, my savior, my escape, my release from this agony!
I walked towards my little one exploring the playground and busied myself with anything other than staying in this coterie of mothers. And I did not return!
This hiking group made their way down the trail without me. I had endured intense pain only to survive it by running away.
I was the girl who bolted. The introverted, highly sensitive woman who can score so well in academics but failed to learn societies social language.
I could not let what I did remain as it was. I must face this punishing fear. To prove to myself that it could be done. Exposure is the best antidote to irrational fear… or so they say.
I must confirm that one of the hardest days of my life was going back to that exact same circumstances, forcing myself out of the car, and among the same people. The physical sensations of fear and dread are inexplicably hard to describe. It grips the body with #Anxiety and uncertainty.
That day I survived. I walked that trail with that hiking group. I made up for running away that first time and living with the regret.
I have since pushed myself limping and fearful into a myriad of social situations. I can now face them head on and survive them.
However, this does not equal thriving in them. My fears, anxieties, and #Depression have kept me from forming bonds and real relationships that are solid and necessary for one’s health and life.
Social anxiety is a beast, a ruthless monster.
It takes these fears and tells me I am not enough because I cannot measure up to others. It is watching people have the ease of conversation and connection right beside you while you do not know how to be one of them. Social anxiety along with depression has woven barren crevices along my soul.
However, it still stands that I faced one of my biggest and hardest fears that day. I am sure no one was aware of the inner turmoil that was shredding my insides. But I did do it! I did go. And that in and of itself is a step, a Herculean step in the right direction.
