Kim

@k44kimbo
Community Voices

Promoted and Overwhelmed

<p>Promoted and Overwhelmed</p>
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Community Voices

I actually feel okay

A couple of weeks ago, I reached out to my childhood best friend and we met up for happy hour. I had a great time! We picked up right where we left off, and she even pointed that out. We talked about another friend with whom she is still close. I asked if she thought we could all get together and she said yes.

I sent a group Facebook message to them both last week and they haven’t responded. One read it, and neither responded. I feel rejected and ignored, and I’m okay.

I’m okay. I feel sad, and I let that sadness pass. I feel passed over, and I watch that rejection float away. I’m becoming pretty good at my mindfulness practice. I’m recognizing insecure and unhelpful thoughts and observing as they fly right on by.

I want to share that I’m okay. This rejection stings, but it doesn’t hurt. I have good friends and I love my life. What’s one old relationship that I wasn’t able to rekindle? It didn’t work out. It’s not meant to be and that’s okay!

Friendships used to come so easily. As my depression and bipolar disorder worsened, my relationships changed. I felt like I was losing myself and, therefore, lost my friends. I know now that I kept the ones who I want and need close to me. I stuck by them and they stuck by me. We’re okay.

My therapist mentioned using ‘and’ rather than ‘but.’ It generally applies to things like, “I love you, but I wish you’d do the dishes.” Replacing ‘but’ with ‘and’ shows that the love is unconditional. So I’ve begun applying ‘and’ as often as possible: this happened, AND I’m okay. It reminds me that I’m stronger than the ‘but.’ I don’t need to negate the challenge, problem, or emotion. It’s all valid.

I miss this friend, and I have others.

I feel rejected, and I’m proud that I put myself out there.

I feel ignored, and I know that I’m loved.

It’s a sad situation for me, and I’m okay.

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Nothing.

It’s difficult to plan my future because I don’t want a future.

#SuicidalIdeation

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Community Voices

Over it.

I slept from about 10pm until 2am and my brain has not turned off since I woke up. It’s now 6am and I cannot stop thinking. Thinking about work, food, people, the past, the present, the future. I’m so tired that I’m nauseous. I’m so sick of my job and responsibilities. I’m over demanding clients and families. I’m over the challenge and the lack of reward. I’m losing my ability to sympathize. I’ve lost the ability to empathize. I’m tired. I’m tired of caring too much and giving too much and getting so little. There’s no reward anymore. And I have no drive. There’s absolutely no motivation to improve myself. I want to. I can see my health deteriorating. I can feel my body worsening. I feel sick when I see myself in the mirror. I am stuck. Fuck.

Community Voices

Anxious for news of a possible surgery

About 5.75 years ago, I was intubated after being placed in a medical coma as a result of a suicide attempt. When they thought I was well enough, doctors removed the tube, but I crashed again. This happened three times which caused severe trauma to my trachea. When I awoke, my breathing was fine. It wasn’t until two months later that I began to struggle to breathe because of scar tissue that had developed. This wasn’t discovered for another two months when it was determined that I needed surgery as soon as possible. The surgeons went in, lasered off the scar tissue from my trachea, and expanded a balloon to help open the airway. At this point, my breathing has again become labored and uneven. I have an appointment tomorrow to explore via laryngoscopy to see if another surgery is necessary.

Needless to say, I’m a bit anxious.

The worst part of all of this is that I’ve made a complete 180 since that time in my life. My job still sucks, but I have an amazing husband and a beautiful home. I’m happier than I’ve ever been, yet here I am with a reminder of my misery and darkest struggles. I’m afraid that this surgery will be on repeat every 6 years for the rest of my life, and a constant reminder of the hell that was my life.

#trachea #trachealstenosis #SuicideAttempt #intubation #lifesupport #Surgery #Bipolar #Depression

3 people are talking about this
Community Voices

Anxious for news of a possible surgery

About 5.75 years ago, I was intubated after being placed in a medical coma as a result of a suicide attempt. When they thought I was well enough, doctors removed the tube, but I crashed again. This happened three times which caused severe trauma to my trachea. When I awoke, my breathing was fine. It wasn’t until two months later that I began to struggle to breathe because of scar tissue that had developed. This wasn’t discovered for another two months when it was determined that I needed surgery as soon as possible. The surgeons went in, lasered off the scar tissue from my trachea, and expanded a balloon to help open the airway. At this point, my breathing has again become labored and uneven. I have an appointment tomorrow to explore via laryngoscopy to see if another surgery is necessary.

Needless to say, I’m a bit anxious.

The worst part of all of this is that I’ve made a complete 180 since that time in my life. My job still sucks, but I have an amazing husband and a beautiful home. I’m happier than I’ve ever been, yet here I am with a reminder of my misery and darkest struggles. I’m afraid that this surgery will be on repeat every 6 years for the rest of my life, and a constant reminder of the hell that was my life.

#trachea #trachealstenosis #SuicideAttempt #intubation #lifesupport #Surgery #Bipolar #Depression

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What medications helps? #Bipolar2Disorder

Comment which meds you take that help out your bipolar 2 disorder (or anyone you know).. Im not on any meds and I really think I should take them cause I cant do this anymore, but im not sure what kind(s).? Help. #BipolarDisorder

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Then what?

I’m very anxious for and looking forward to my wedding, but then what?

What’s the next good thing? We’re not having kids. We own our home. I’m not looking for suggestions, just expressing the fear of not having anything to look forward to.

The “next thing” usually drives me. It gives me something to talk about because I am no longer interesting. I’m fat and unlikeable. Covid really put a damper in my already struggling social life.

Hm. #Anxiety #nowwhat #Fuck

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It seems unimportant. It’s not.

I really want to journal, but this is easier. Ugh. I feel like public whining is so unnecessary. Sometimes, though, it helps to have others commiserate.

Our wedding is coming up in 24 and 38 days (ceremony then separate reception). I am struggling with all aspects of preparation only in that I doubt every choice that I make and every action that I take. I’m overwhelmed and fatigued. I want it to end. I don’t trust anyone to help and I don’t trust myself to get things done properly. I’m at an impasse with absolutely no feelings of budding success. I’m not looking for help or suggestions, just to post my grievances to help myself feel less burdened.

So. Much. Stress.
So. Little. Success.

Everything will probably be beautiful and absolutely perfect, but I feel that it’s safer to doubt and have super low expectations. I can’t be hurt if I expect nothing.

I wonder what brought that on. Was it because I used to have high (whether reasonable or unreasonable) expectations and I was let down too many times?

I expect a lot from people, I think, because I give a lot to people. I really have to stop that. People aren’t all givers. Lately, my attitude towards others has changed. I’m less compassionate, less empathetic. I’m becoming hardened and I don’t like it. How do good people stay good?

“Have courage and be kind.” I love Cinderella. Animated and live action. When things are difficult, have the courage to do your best in the situation. I could speak with those I’ve been afraid to confront. And I’d be kind. No attitude or negative talk.

Tricky, but— I mean ‘and’—possible.

My therapist said something to our group a long time ago about ‘but’. She talked about it negating everything that came before it and making things conditional. “I love you, but I wish you’d do the dishes.” She suggested replacing ‘but’ with ‘and’. It’s nice. I recommend it.

I really don’t feel that much better. The issues still exist and I’m no closer to resolving them. What a great day.

Community Voices

Then what?

I’m very anxious for and looking forward to my wedding, but then what?

What’s the next good thing? We’re not having kids. We own our home. I’m not looking for suggestions, just expressing the fear of not having anything to look forward to.

The “next thing” usually drives me. It gives me something to talk about because I am no longer interesting. I’m fat and unlikeable. Covid really put a damper in my already struggling social life.

Hm. #Anxiety #nowwhat #Fuck

3 people are talking about this