Kai

@kai244
Hoping to share my story, heal, and help others heal
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Tw: suicide, self harm

So I’m back to thinking I’m bipolar type 1. When I had my real bad manic episode I disassociated I don’t remember a lot of it it’s like foggy and I only remember bits and pieces. I read that this is something that only happens with bipolar 1 not type 2.

During this time I used to think I could hear angels and that they would send secret messages to me through the sound of the ceiling fan, static noise, or binaural beats. I would hear them say things about people. i used to sometimes think I was god.

The most disturbing thing is, I didn’t even remember hallucinating hearing angels in the fan until my little brother told me about it the other day. He told me that I asked him if he could hear them too.

I was smoking a lot of sketchy weed during this time and I would “trip” or hallucinate every time. I would see and hear things while I was high. Like people or people talking. Or I would believe people were watching me or after me.

I also “attempted” to kill myself during a manic episode but my mother stopped me. I have a hard time admitting that. I would also self harm.

My manic episodes would last for easily weeks at a time. Often months. That’s not bipolar 2 criteria.

I’m very sensitive to my meds. If I go off schedule or don’t take them or don’t sleep enough I can get really manic really easily.

I just don’t see how my really bad manic episode could be classified as “hypo mania”. I dont know. I’d be interested to hear anyone else’s opinion. Maybe I’m just crazy or i dont know. #Bipolar1Disorder #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #Mania

13 people are talking about this
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Sitting in the ER

Waiting for a behavioral health evaluation for my youngest son, after a severe cutting. My anxiety is through the roof. #Anxiety

11 people are talking about this
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Kai
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TBH

I think I am a lost cause.
I don’t feel much hope for the future.
It seems as though my flawed humanity and sharp pieces hurt everyone around me, especially the people I love.
If there is a god or higher power, he, she, it made a mistake with me.
I feel like my existence only causes pain because I am not suppose to be.
I was brought into this world with the purpose of saving my parents marriage. I failed, they were divorced six months later.
I have already failed at my purpose.
Now what?

10 people are talking about this
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Kai

Depressive Episode Coming

Im at the start of a depressive episode and idk what to do, all I’m doing is sleeping and kinda eating and I haven’t showered since Wednesday. No one would really know tho, I’ve been putting on makeup, going to work, changing my clothes so I don’t smell. But I’m breaking down. #HighfunctioningDepression

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Kai

Unstable Sense of Self

Does anyone else love themselves one minute and then hate themselves the next? How do you cope? #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

1 person is talking about this
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Kai
Community Voices
Kai
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Can I be happy if I am depressed?

This sounds like a weird question... I have been experiencing this depression for almost a year. I am functional but not happy. Is happiness even possible for someone with depression? I feel like at best I am just getting by. I don't enjoy things and don't WANT to do anything, so how can I find happiness? I am not sure what to do and I hate feeling this way. I go out in little bits and I try to be social but I keep feeling a lack of true happiness. Can someone with depression and anxiety and social anxiety really feel happiness, and where? #Depression #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #SocialAnxietyDisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder #MentalHealth

4 people are talking about this
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Can I be happy if I am depressed?

This sounds like a weird question... I have been experiencing this depression for almost a year. I am functional but not happy. Is happiness even possible for someone with depression? I feel like at best I am just getting by. I don't enjoy things and don't WANT to do anything, so how can I find happiness? I am not sure what to do and I hate feeling this way. I go out in little bits and I try to be social but I keep feeling a lack of true happiness. Can someone with depression and anxiety and social anxiety really feel happiness, and where? #Depression #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #SocialAnxietyDisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder #MentalHealth

4 people are talking about this