Krys

@krysp
Community Voices

Share the words you needed to hear this time last year. 💭

<p>Share the words you needed to hear this time last year. 💭</p>
444 people are talking about this
Community Voices
Krys

I wish I was normal, whatever that is. It’s so hard to keep pushing, when your body is telling you to slow down. Your mind is racing, you can’t stop the thoughts. I would be more approachable if I didn’t have resting pain face. I hide it so well that a lot of people don’t know the truth. The truth is, my spine is deteriorating and there’s nothing I can do to make it better. I can take meds, do stretches, but it still feels like my back is broken. Shattered into tiny pieces that make up my spine. There’s no such thing as comfortable when you have a sharp, shooting, gnawing pain that is now making your legs go numb. I’ve told my doctors but they say I’m too young for surgery. I think now is the perfect time, my body is still young enough to heal! I can’t stand up straight, I can’t even stand up to shower. I feel like an Emmy Award Winner with he show I put on day in and day out. The smile on my face that never fades, bc I don’t want my friends and family to leave me alone and to deal with this pain alone. I also don’t want certain people to tell me nothing is wrong, when clearly something isn’t right. I’m hoping for some sleep tonight, and that my pain killers get filled tomorrow. Popping meds like skittles isn’t ideal, but if you have no other solution for me, I will take them until the pain goes away. Thank you Big Pharma for making me a drug addict at the age of 13. I’m now 30 and I know these meds have taken a toll on my health, but there’s only so much I can do on my own. I feel like a burden on those I love. I feel like a liar every time someone asks how I’m doing. But I know you don’t care enough to know the whole story. I let you know what I want you to know and nothing further.

6 people are talking about this
Community Voices

Giving into temptation

<p>Giving into temptation</p>
36 people are talking about this
Community Voices
Krys

I wish I was normal, whatever that is. It’s so hard to keep pushing, when your body is telling you to slow down. Your mind is racing, you can’t stop the thoughts. I would be more approachable if I didn’t have resting pain face. I hide it so well that a lot of people don’t know the truth. The truth is, my spine is deteriorating and there’s nothing I can do to make it better. I can take meds, do stretches, but it still feels like my back is broken. Shattered into tiny pieces that make up my spine. There’s no such thing as comfortable when you have a sharp, shooting, gnawing pain that is now making your legs go numb. I’ve told my doctors but they say I’m too young for surgery. I think now is the perfect time, my body is still young enough to heal! I can’t stand up straight, I can’t even stand up to shower. I feel like an Emmy Award Winner with he show I put on day in and day out. The smile on my face that never fades, bc I don’t want my friends and family to leave me alone and to deal with this pain alone. I also don’t want certain people to tell me nothing is wrong, when clearly something isn’t right. I’m hoping for some sleep tonight, and that my pain killers get filled tomorrow. Popping meds like skittles isn’t ideal, but if you have no other solution for me, I will take them until the pain goes away. Thank you Big Pharma for making me a drug addict at the age of 13. I’m now 30 and I know these meds have taken a toll on my health, but there’s only so much I can do on my own. I feel like a burden on those I love. I feel like a liar every time someone asks how I’m doing. But I know you don’t care enough to know the whole story. I let you know what I want you to know and nothing further.

6 people are talking about this
Community Voices
Krys

Mental Illness Causes Strain on Relationships #MentalHealth #SuicidalIdeation

My father and I got into a huge fight the other night. And he made t clear as to how he views me. I’ve tried my hardest for so long to make him proud, but nothing I do will ever make him proud.
He told me I was worthless and that I should jus quit my job, get rid of my car, and just lay in bed like the lazy piece of shit that I am. How do you have mental health issues when it was just your back? But if is not your back, it’s your neck, or you have a migraine.
I have multiple physical and mental disabilities. My father wasn’t around growing up and didn’t see me going to high school whit a cane. He didn’t have to help me get back into bed when I try to get out, but my legs give out and I’m stuck on the floor. He’s never been to a doctor appt in my whole life. He knows I go to therapy twice a month and that I have a psychiatrist that messed with my meds and I went a little crazy, and he saw what it did to me, but I have no mental health issues.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that no matter what I tell him or show him, I’ll never make him proud. And I know that he doesn’t really care about me. But knowing that my father thinks I’m worthless hurts. For some reason I’ve always wanted his approval, but now, I don’t want anything from him. I try my best to avoid him and just not talk to him. I’m trying to get on housing and I know that will take time, so in the time being, I just gotta keep my distance and just do what’s best for myself.
I don’t need him, I don’t need anyone toxic in my life putting me down when I have low self esteem just brings up horrible thoughts. So I’m just gonna keep it moving and act like it’s all good even though I know it’s not. It is what it is, I wish I could change his perception of me, but it won’t happen. Maybe I am a worthless piece of shit and just don’t know it....

6 people are talking about this
Community Voices
Krys

Mental Illness Causes Strain on Relationships #MentalHealth #SuicidalIdeation

My father and I got into a huge fight the other night. And he made t clear as to how he views me. I’ve tried my hardest for so long to make him proud, but nothing I do will ever make him proud.
He told me I was worthless and that I should jus quit my job, get rid of my car, and just lay in bed like the lazy piece of shit that I am. How do you have mental health issues when it was just your back? But if is not your back, it’s your neck, or you have a migraine.
I have multiple physical and mental disabilities. My father wasn’t around growing up and didn’t see me going to high school whit a cane. He didn’t have to help me get back into bed when I try to get out, but my legs give out and I’m stuck on the floor. He’s never been to a doctor appt in my whole life. He knows I go to therapy twice a month and that I have a psychiatrist that messed with my meds and I went a little crazy, and he saw what it did to me, but I have no mental health issues.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that no matter what I tell him or show him, I’ll never make him proud. And I know that he doesn’t really care about me. But knowing that my father thinks I’m worthless hurts. For some reason I’ve always wanted his approval, but now, I don’t want anything from him. I try my best to avoid him and just not talk to him. I’m trying to get on housing and I know that will take time, so in the time being, I just gotta keep my distance and just do what’s best for myself.
I don’t need him, I don’t need anyone toxic in my life putting me down when I have low self esteem just brings up horrible thoughts. So I’m just gonna keep it moving and act like it’s all good even though I know it’s not. It is what it is, I wish I could change his perception of me, but it won’t happen. Maybe I am a worthless piece of shit and just don’t know it....

6 people are talking about this
Community Voices
Krys

Mental Illness Causes Strain on Relationships #MentalHealth #SuicidalIdeation

My father and I got into a huge fight the other night. And he made t clear as to how he views me. I’ve tried my hardest for so long to make him proud, but nothing I do will ever make him proud.
He told me I was worthless and that I should jus quit my job, get rid of my car, and just lay in bed like the lazy piece of shit that I am. How do you have mental health issues when it was just your back? But if is not your back, it’s your neck, or you have a migraine.
I have multiple physical and mental disabilities. My father wasn’t around growing up and didn’t see me going to high school whit a cane. He didn’t have to help me get back into bed when I try to get out, but my legs give out and I’m stuck on the floor. He’s never been to a doctor appt in my whole life. He knows I go to therapy twice a month and that I have a psychiatrist that messed with my meds and I went a little crazy, and he saw what it did to me, but I have no mental health issues.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that no matter what I tell him or show him, I’ll never make him proud. And I know that he doesn’t really care about me. But knowing that my father thinks I’m worthless hurts. For some reason I’ve always wanted his approval, but now, I don’t want anything from him. I try my best to avoid him and just not talk to him. I’m trying to get on housing and I know that will take time, so in the time being, I just gotta keep my distance and just do what’s best for myself.
I don’t need him, I don’t need anyone toxic in my life putting me down when I have low self esteem just brings up horrible thoughts. So I’m just gonna keep it moving and act like it’s all good even though I know it’s not. It is what it is, I wish I could change his perception of me, but it won’t happen. Maybe I am a worthless piece of shit and just don’t know it....

6 people are talking about this
Marie Shanley

It's Not Ok That Millennials Are Struggling With Mental Illness

I am not OK and I am tired of it. Some weeks are better than others. Some weeks, I feel empty inside — so emotionless, so exhausted from hearing my own belligerent thoughts that it seems dying would be a better alternative to continuing life with the emotions I currently feel trapped in. It’s not right, but it’s what I am hearing as I go through my day-to-day activities. And that’s not OK. Let me clarify; it’s OK that I am not OK. It’s OK to accept I am not perfect. Continuing to pretend like I’m strong so that no one should doubt my capabilities, pretending I am inhuman so I can continue keeping up an appearance — it only lasts so long. I did so at two jobs in my career. In one scenario, I ended up crying in the supply closet daily. In another, I had a very public panic attack, in a moment when I didn’t steal enough time to get to the bathroom and hide it there. Up until those moments, even though I had discussions with my co-workers about not feeling well, no one really thought anything was wrong. I made every meeting even though, in the mornings, I had to force myself out of bed. I did my make up and hair and kept up appearances well — so well, I thought I could even fool myself. I didn’t know it was OK that I was going through a hard time because no one around me talked about it, and that’s not OK. It’s not OK to get yourself so overworked that you feel too trapped to continue with life. There is so much to experience: from the monotony of day-to-day life to the extraordinary moments like weddings or births. Feeling this way, or lacking feeling in this way, did not make me less of anything, nor really that weird.  16 million adults  (6.9% of adults) experience a major depressive episode in a year. And the number  1 in 5  gets thrown out so often, I almost don’t need to cite it. It’s not OK that there is a whole generation, my generation, of people experiencing similar symptoms in unprecedented numbers. In part,  arguably due to an economy  that left us unable to match our parents’ accomplishments, and in part because we’re coming up to an era where we have started to admit mental health is as important as physical health. I hear my contemporaries use the  words  “burn out” and “lazy” together in a self-deprecating way and I cringe. It’s the mark of being told most of your life that you are ungrateful and have it so well in a world that is “your oyster” only to find out the previous generation doesn’t care to mentor you enough so that you know how to properly shuck it. What’s not OK is  the social trophy  you get for overextending yourself. I write, have a podcast, work full-time and teach yoga and every moment I am not doing those things I am considering what a waste of space I am. That is until I feel the aforementioned “burn out” and can barely put thoughts together without bursting into tears. At that moment and for the next week or so, I give myself permission to breathe and then I restart the race against my own sanity again. It’s not OK I feel like I am not living up to a personal expectation and it’s not OK that my contemporaries might internally compare themselves to me through  the social media  that I am forced to keep up because otherwise, no one would know that I am writing, podcasting, working full time and teaching yoga at the same time. It’s not OK that I am constantly not OK. At my worst moments I have spent six hours a week getting to, from and sitting with my therapist and then psychiatrist to maintain my sanity. I love my doctors, I really do, because they ensure I do not crumble into a pile of tired or emotionless, suicidal dust. But the only thing worse than all the time I have had to spend with them to get myself healthy, is that in  in 2017, 12.2 %  could not afford to spend time or money on doing the same. It’s not OK, or rather, it’s not fair. I had to learn it’s OK not to be OK, and re-learn it after I took myself off medication because people around me told me I should be scared to be on it. I was not OK without medication and am grateful I found a very small community of people who gave me the emotional approval I needed in order to keep myself on it without feeling broken or less of a capable person. I take full responsibility for the fact I let a relative’s judgmental look decide whether I could continue freelancing. I let that get to me. I do not expect nor want to be coddled, but it’s not fair that  I grew up  in a manner that made me seek approval from others whenever I need to make a life-changing choice. It’s unfair but it’s also no one else’s problem. It’s not OK that I have lived a life which makes me have to take a deep breath and remind myself it’s OK not to be OK. It’s not OK that I ever have felt suicidal because it means pieces of my life have brought me to that moment. What’s most important is to give yourself permission to get better, so that your “not OK” turns into an “OK.” The reason that hashtag #itsoktonotbeok even took off is because of how intent we are on pushing ourselves past our breaking point. We won’t admit we need help even though we feel like we’re drowning. Gender, sex, country of origin, socioeconomic status and race only multiply the issue. And none of that is OK.