Kyleen Joan

@kyleenblogs | contributor
My name is Kyleen. I am a wife and a boy mom.
Community Voices

I Can't Afford To Lose Me Again

I saw a instagram reel about a woman being asked if she's going to have more kids and with everyquestion she was asked, she stated "I can't afford to lose me again".


"I can't afford to lose me again" hit me HARD.


With our first son I experienced #PostpartumDepression and #PostpartumAnxiety along with some #PostpartumRage . I was diagnosed with it at 6 months postpartum.

2 years later we had our second boy and postpartum depression and rage hit me even harder than the first time, undiagnosed this time around. My patience wears thin with having a baby whose usually always fussy while a 2 y/o is clinging to me and wanting attention, sleepless nights and having the stress of household chores being a stay at home mom.
Some days I want to cry (sometimes I do and days OK). Some days I want to just escape for the day. Some days I just want a bottle of wine and a bubble bath.
And some days I just don't want to have a mom free title for a day. I am currently working through all my emotions and hope it slowly gets better. It's a process that takes time.

ALL OF THAT IS NORMAL.


You always see comments about mothers who suffer with postpartum issues that read "you need to appreciate having children", "you need to be more understanding with your children", "your children need you", etc...but you never see support for the mothers who are experiencing postpartum depression, anxiety and rage.


Being a mother is hard, but even harder when you're dealing with disorders. I knew being a mom wasn't an easy task, but I also never thought I'd be the one to fall into postpartum disorders. I always thought I'd be the perfect mom, the happiest mom and the fun mom.


A mother's mental health matters.
Don't feel guilty needing breaks.
Don't feel guilty not wanting to be a mom for a day.
Don't feel guilty for not wanting more kids.
Don't feel guilty for not feeling like yourself or being the so called "best mom".


Taking care of yourself is part of taking care of your kids.

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Kyleen Joan

The Truth About Being a Stay-at-Home Mom

“Being a stay-at-home mom is one of the most challenging, yet rewarding things I have done.” You see how easy it is for stay-at-home moms on TV and on social media, but they fail to mention the emotions that come with being a stay-at-home mom. While I am grateful to be able to be at home with our son, it’s hard. It is hard making sure all the cleaning is done in the house. It is hard to make sure dinner is done by the time my husband gets home, while having a baby on your hip or a baby that won’t stop crying. There is so much that makes it hard. The Loneliness My day consists of laundry, cleaning and taking care of our son. I don’t get a lunch break to talk with coworkers and friends. I don’t get meals to myself. I don’t have much of a social life and I have lost friends. Self-care is a five minute shower, if possible. Otherwise, it consists of putting in dry shampoo, throwing your hair up in a messy bun and wearing the same clothes you wore yesterday. The loneliness is hard to deal with. The Sadness I feel alone. I feel like my circle of friends gets smaller and smaller. I feel like the laundry, dishes and vacuuming never ends. I sometimes feel like I fail as a wife and mother. The sadness takes a toll on you. Being a stay-at-home mom is one of the most challenging yet rewarding things I have done. The Guilt I don’t make the money for our family, my husband does. I can’t contribute financially for our family. I don’t have to wake up and drive to work. The guilt eats you up. The Happiness I can’t think of a better reward than knowing I am raising our son.Watching our son go through his milestones. Watching my son’s eyes light up when my husband gets home from a long day at work. Knowing my husband works hard for our family, so I am able to stay at home with our son. The happiness makes all the emotions good and bad, worth it. Nothing can prepare a woman to be a stay-at-home mom. While it is rewarding, I didn’t expect it to be this tough. While it is tough, it is the best thing I could have done for our family. Are you a stay-at-home mom? Tell us about your experience in the comments.

Community Voices

Adult Women Are Just As Mean As Teen Girls

Hoofta, I thought I was old enough (at the age of 25) to not encounter anymore mean girls, due to the fact I am not in high school anymore. Well, I was wrong.

Like millions of other people, I made a post about the Halftime show, which apparently was wrong of me, because I took a stand in something I believed was not appropriate for national television and for children. The aftermath of the Superbowl Halftime show brought out the good and the bad in people and unfortunately, my post mainly brought out the bad in people.

I posted to my Instagram and lost over 100 followers, because they didn’t like the vibe I gave off on the post regarding the performance by J-Lo and Shakira. To me, they were triggered, but why? There was no reason to be. We just didn’t have the same stance on the situation.

Since I disagreed with the Superbowl Halftime performance, I was called terrible names, I was shamed, told to delete my social media and I was told I was an embarrassment to women everywhere.

Not only was I getting facebook messages about what I posted, but I was getting comments/dm’s on Instagram, along with comments on my blog from people who I don’t even know. They were taking screenshots of my old modeling photos and harassing me with them and saying horrible things, all while they were telling me STOP SHAMING.

Even though I did respond to a few comments, I ended up taking the high road and blocked the negativity, because to be honest…I am getting too old for that stuff.

When did it become acceptable to shame, name call and swear at someone for speaking facts about a situation, all while telling that person to not shame and not to tear women down?

When did it become acceptable to attack strangers for having a different opinion than yours and blasting them on social media?

Usually when you don’t like something on social media, you move along and you ignore it. If you want to say what is on your mind, by all means…do it, but be respectful about it. Name calling and shaming isn’t respectful and isn’t the correct approach.

Now, you may think I was shaming the performance and honestly, in a sense I was, but not to the extent people thought I was. Apparently when you write how you feel and your opinions about stuff, you need to take out coloring books and crayons to draw and color code things for people. Folks that read what I posted dug way deep into what I meant and yeah, maybe I didn’t use all the correct/perfect wording, but does that give someone the right to belittle a person? No.

It doesn’t matter which side of the bench you are on with anything in life, because if yuou have a different view than someone, you more than likely will get shamed, because people are mean.

What I have learned over the years is social media has a lot of mean people. It doesn’t matter if they know you, see your post from a hashtag you used or saw an article you wrote…people will hide behind their computer screens and belittle you.

I will continue to stand up for what I believe in, that isn’t going to change.

To each their own.

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Kyleen Joan

How I Came to Terms and Accepted Having Postpartum Depression

I remember putting on a smile every day as if I was happy, when deep down I was not OK. I was far from being OK. Roughly one month postpartum, I began getting symptoms of postpartum depression. I never thought I would be that woman who ended up with postpartum depression. I thought I would be the perfect mother and perfect wife after our baby was born, but that wasn’t the case. My symptoms of postpartum depression were lashing out at my husband, our son and our dog. I was easily irritable, my patience was spread thin and I felt alone. I would always want to take a bath, and when I did, I would cry. I felt lonely, but at the same time I wanted to be alone. My son would cry and only want me (and sometimes still does), but I wouldn’t want to hold him because I was home with him all day and needed a break. I was also ashamed of my body and felt like I should have bounced back better than I did. I felt like my husband didn’t want me because I didn’t have the same body as I did pre-pregnancy. I didn’t want to admit I was getting postpartum depression because I was ashamed. One day, my husband came home from work and mentioned it to me, telling me he believed I was getting symptoms of it. I agreed with him. It’s wild though, because I was about to mention it to him once he came through the door … great minds think alike? My husband worked, and still does work, long hours and is gone for over 12 hours a day and doesn’t deserve to come home to a witch of a wife. I finally had a turning point, though I am unsure of what it was. There are a lot of things that can contribute to why a women gets postpartum depression, but I feel like I was being defeated by it due to not being able to breastfeed my son, hormone changes, body image issues and being a stay-at-home mom. I definitely noticed how much of a toll the symptoms were taking on my body — emotionally, physically and mentally. Did you know women are at the highest risk of committing suicide nine to 12 months postpartum? I honestly just learned that myself and was shocked with those statistics. Honestly, I am scared of that statistic. I am scared to see how I handle being nine to 12 months postpartum. I am currently six and a half months postpartum and have been pretty good. There are still times I lash out, have very little patience and want alone time, but I believe I am progressing. I never went on medications or saw a therapist, but there is nothing wrong with going on medication or seeing a therapist to help you! I can’t say that enough. I am so far one of the lucky ones when it comes to postpartum depression and am continuing to strive to be the best mother and wife I can be. Without my supportive husband and family, I don’t know how I would have dealt with my symptoms. Postpartum conditions are real. Just remember: You are not a bad mother. You are not a bad partner. You are not a bad person. You are not alone. Postpartum depression is not the end. Do not struggle in silence.

Kyleen Joan

How School Bullying Caused My Anxiety

Anxiety and bullying aren’t a good mix. I first started experiencing anxiety when I was in sixth grade at a school in Superior, Wisconsin. It all began when I started getting picked on. I was the small girl in school and always was; that never changed. My anxiety got a lot more intense when I went into ninth grade, which was high school. It was an even bigger school with even more kids. Homework was hard, tests were hard, but what made school even harder was when I was picked on, again. It was like I wasn’t waking up from a bad dream, but I couldn’t just “wake up” from what was happening. I was stuck dealing with it. I was taunted, teased, shoved against lockers, had books knocked out of my hands, people threatened to beat me up and someone also threatened to run me over with their truck. Don’t worry, I was never actually run over with a truck, but of course, I thought I was going to be and watched my back like an owl watches a mouse under the snow. While being bullied in middle school was hard, being bullied in high school was even worse. I never wanted to go to school and would fake to be sick, or ask my parents to come to get me for lunch so I didn’t have to eat in the bathroom stall. I would have my mom drop me off late, pick me up early, drop me off at different doors (where I thought the mean people wouldn’t be). I would skip classes and sit in the bathroom or go to the library, and I would skip school a lot. All of this caused my grades to drop to failing. The bullying got so bad that we had several meetings with the school officials. Do you know what they told me? They told me to go to the library in the morning so I could avoid the conflicts. When the school officials didn’t help me, my mom pulled me out of the school halfway through my 10th-grade year. I started “homeschooling,” so to say, and would go to the school at the end of the day for a couple of hours to do homework, tests and projects. Even though I was doing that, unfortunately, a lot of courses still failed me and only a few teachers gave me passing grades (and I am forever thankful for those teachers). Even though I had left that school in Wisconsin, I still had severe anxiety . I couldn’t go into Walmart alone. I couldn’t go into the gas station alone . I couldn’t go to the mall alone. I couldn’t try on clothes without my mom being by the door. I hated having anxiety. I attended another school in Minnesota halfway through my 10th-grade year. It was a smaller school and I knew a lot of people there; I also had relatives at this school. I loved this school and they worked with me, due to the circumstances with my old school in Wisconsin. After all the hard work I did at my old school, I didn’t receive enough credits, so I had to retake my 10th-grade year at the new school. I wasn’t only taking my 10th-grade year over, but I was also taking 11th-grade courses. I wanted nothing more than to graduate on time, but unfortunately, that didn’t happen. I ended up graduating a year late, in 2014, when I should have graduated in 2013. I am now 25 years old and my anxiety from being bullied still clings to me, but not as severe. I still get anxiety over small things that shouldn’t cause anxiety , but I believe it all stems from my traumatic experience as a teenager. I believe the anxiety I dealt with and the bullying I encountered helped me become the woman I am today. I am now a wife and a mother, soon to be a realtor and couldn’t b e happier with where my life has taken me.

Kyleen Joan

Finding Strength Through Hair Loss From Alopecia

As if a teenager doesn’t have enough to deal with, at age 14 I was diagnosed with alopecia areata, which is a hair loss disease. I always had thin hair. I guess you could say it’s genetic but I started getting bald spots and slowly losing my hair. So I resorted to extensions. Not the greatest idea but I was young, wanted to feel pretty and have long/thick hair. I tried steroid cream and no extensions, but nothing seemed to work. I decided to do a consultation with a hair replacement company that helps restore hair for people dealing with baldness and thinning. They told me I had dead hair follicles and my hair would never grow back. I was devastated!! I officially started with the company in 2016, which I thought was the greatest thing (after cheesecake of course). It was $2,500 to join and after that, I made payments of $350 per month to get three wigs a year (that price also included a certain amount of style appointments). At that time, I would have paid and done anything to have hair and feel beautiful. They shaved my head in August 2016 and placed my first wig on my head. I was finally so happy that I had hair I could feel confident and beautiful wearing! Well, that is when it all began… Within no time, my first wig started falling apart. It was shedding really bad, thinning at the hairline and was getting frizzy and unmanageable.  Each time I went in for appointments, they would shave my head again because the wig would have a more natural appearance and stick to my head longer. It always looked so natural and I got so many compliments, which made me feel beautiful and like I finally fit in. I started noticing my hair growing back each time I went in for appointments, so I told them I no longer wanted to shave my head and I wanted to see how my hair would do. Well, my hair kept growing back!! I finally decided to stop using company. I felt like it was a scam. I was told my hair would never grow back due to dead hair follicles but sure enough, my hair was growing back. Slowly but surely. With the support of loved ones, I was letting my hair grow back. I was buying wigs off Amazon and other websites until I was comfortable wearing my natural hair. I slowly started gaining confidence with my natural hair. Other people, as well as myself, were amazed at how well it was growing. When I found out about my hair loss, I lost a lot of self-confidence. Having the support of loved ones helped me gain it back. I was down in the dumps and became depressed. I experienced anxiety going out in public when I would wear wigs because I was scared someone would come up to me and ask if I was wearing one. It is now 2019 and my hair is still growing but has slowed down. I take Vitamin D, Biotin and Vitamin C to help continue the hair growth, which I believe has helped tremendously. Hair to a woman is everything and without it, it’s really hard to feel confident and embrace yourself. I am so glad I finally have my self-confidence back and found the strength to pull through the hard times I went through with my hair loss journey. I am sure my hair loss journey is far from over and will always remain a part of my life, but I am fine with whatever path my journey takes me down. If I lose my hair all over again, I will be OK. If I need to wear wigs again, I will be OK. If my hair grows well and doesn’t fall out, I will be OK. We cannot let things we are going through eat us up and spit us out. Dust yourself off, find strength within yourself, confide in your loved ones and you will be OK!

Kyleen Joan

Why Society Should Stop Putting Pressure on Moms to Breastfeed

I’m going to talk about something that folks don’t like to bring up and people can relate to — not being able to breastfeed. Before I had our son I was dead set on breastfeeding and my mind was only set on that. Ever since delivery, Colt wouldn’t latch and I wasn’t producing a good amount at all. Luckily, he got the colostrum he needed after he was born. Everyone kept saying, “Try this, try that,” and “Does he have a lip/tongue tie?” Colt didn’t have a lip/tongue tie and I tried everything. I joined Facebook groups and spoke to several people. I bought body armour drinks, lactation cookies, saw a lactation consultant, tried tea and tried power pumping, etc. Nothing worked! I tried to breastfeed until Colt was 4 months old because I didn’t want to give up and feel like a “bad parent,” because that’s how society portrays it when a mother doesn’t breastfeed. I was an emotional roller coaster. I got a lot of symptoms of Postpartum Depression (PPD) due to the stress of trying to breastfeed. I was lashing out at our son, our dog and my husband. I would get crabby and so would Colt. I would also cry and cry and cry. Me trying to successfully breastfeed our son was the most challenging, stressful and emotionally/mentally draining thing I have ever done. We decided to formula feed because PPD is nothing to mess with and breastfeeding wasn’t successful. Our son is formula fed and is excelling, and he is in the high percentile for a lot of things. Formula fed doesn’t mean lack of anything. Society puts so much pressure on moms to breastfeed their child and that isn’t fair. Some women just can’t produce, some women don’t have the right breasts to breastfeed and some babies just won’t latch regardless of what the mom tries. So please, stop putting pressure on moms to breastfeed. All we see is “breast is best” and we see people applauding women for breastfeeding, but you don’t see people applauding women who formula feed. Breastfeeding isn’t the only way to feed a baby, let alone a healthy baby. No matter how you feed your baby, it’s still around the clock, sleepless nights all of which results in zombie looking moms who are exhausted. Formula fed isn’t the easy way out. Its OK to not breastfeed, or only be able to do it for a short time. Fed is best…there I said it.

Kyleen Joan

Why Society Should Stop Putting Pressure on Moms to Breastfeed

I’m going to talk about something that folks don’t like to bring up and people can relate to — not being able to breastfeed. Before I had our son I was dead set on breastfeeding and my mind was only set on that. Ever since delivery, Colt wouldn’t latch and I wasn’t producing a good amount at all. Luckily, he got the colostrum he needed after he was born. Everyone kept saying, “Try this, try that,” and “Does he have a lip/tongue tie?” Colt didn’t have a lip/tongue tie and I tried everything. I joined Facebook groups and spoke to several people. I bought body armour drinks, lactation cookies, saw a lactation consultant, tried tea and tried power pumping, etc. Nothing worked! I tried to breastfeed until Colt was 4 months old because I didn’t want to give up and feel like a “bad parent,” because that’s how society portrays it when a mother doesn’t breastfeed. I was an emotional roller coaster. I got a lot of symptoms of Postpartum Depression (PPD) due to the stress of trying to breastfeed. I was lashing out at our son, our dog and my husband. I would get crabby and so would Colt. I would also cry and cry and cry. Me trying to successfully breastfeed our son was the most challenging, stressful and emotionally/mentally draining thing I have ever done. We decided to formula feed because PPD is nothing to mess with and breastfeeding wasn’t successful. Our son is formula fed and is excelling, and he is in the high percentile for a lot of things. Formula fed doesn’t mean lack of anything. Society puts so much pressure on moms to breastfeed their child and that isn’t fair. Some women just can’t produce, some women don’t have the right breasts to breastfeed and some babies just won’t latch regardless of what the mom tries. So please, stop putting pressure on moms to breastfeed. All we see is “breast is best” and we see people applauding women for breastfeeding, but you don’t see people applauding women who formula feed. Breastfeeding isn’t the only way to feed a baby, let alone a healthy baby. No matter how you feed your baby, it’s still around the clock, sleepless nights all of which results in zombie looking moms who are exhausted. Formula fed isn’t the easy way out. Its OK to not breastfeed, or only be able to do it for a short time. Fed is best…there I said it.