Laura Scardigno

So I have been thinking about how pets plays a big part of how we feel so I started a group called pet therapy I guess I should have thought of a more creative name..

Hi, my name is searichards. I'm here because I am a hot mess. Is it RA, OA (obvious on the xrays), Fibro, or Lupus, or all of them? No medical person is helping or seems to really care. Blood tests are inconclusive.
Sypmtoms: no cartilage in both knees (OA), periodic massive swelling in knees, hand joints, feet, carpel tunnel, plantar facisitis in feet, numbness in forearms, nerve pain (think sunburn) on the top of my skin on my upper arm, neck pain (whiplash form car accident), excessive sweating the minute I do any physical exertion, turn bright red in the sun (even with 100 spf sunblock), unable to walk without excessive pain and limping.
I am 48 :(

#MightyTogether

Part of why I joined this forum is to get comfortable with writing things out. My pre-disability career included writing academic papers. I had to give up, maybe hopefully just deferring my dream of publishing a book. I spent years doing the clinical research on it. I was 6 months away from being accepted into a doctoral program. So here I am, back to typing. I swear I am proofreading and being careful. Yet, grammatical errors are coming through. Perhaps autocorrect and auto suggest are not my friends. I feel super embarrassed. I feel like they detract from the true sincerity in which I am writing and posting. Yes this is about about letting go of pride. Right now I can’t get through the embarrassment though.

My beautiful husband of 19yrs has bipolar 1 disorder. He refers to his bipolar episodes as 'The beast'. I myself struggled with C-PTSD for many years. We have a very loving, happy marriage in-between episodes. Following is a poem I wrote after his last manic episode, this is written from my perspective as someone who loves an individual with bipolar.
(Sadly my husband had only been out of hospital for 3 weeks when our 16yr old son was diagnosed with cancer, which plunged him into a very deep depression which he is still fighting - our son is still battling cancer as well)

Battling the Beast

Sordid events damaged her heart & permeated her soul,
Confronting the nightmares of her past, she fought to again feel whole.

Painstakingly she clawed her way, towards the glimmer of light,
With he who held the brightest beacon, it was was love at first sight.

Their souls had been searching for each other, trying to unite,
And the instant that they found one another, a flame it did ignite.

Piece by piece with healing love, he repaired her shattered heart,
Their attraction so magnetic, they couldn't be drawn apart.

He told her she was his every desire, his every dream brought to life,
They knew they were made for each other & soon became man & wife.

A devoted couple in love, as genuine as they come,
Their two damaged hearts an unbreakable force as together they now beat as one.

But the sanctity of their love, has onerous challenges ahead,
Twas about to be torn apart, by a beast living in his head.

The beast grows stronger each day, gradually obscuring his view,
Filling his mind with cruel hurtful thoughts, both malicious and untrue.

Inside the man who looked just like; the one she doth adore,
Was a beast seething with hatred, ripping her heart to the core.

Completely crushed & broken, reeling with utter despair,
The crippling pain of his contempt, is too much for her to bear.

But gradually the beast is subdued & reality again becomes clear,
He delivers a heartfelt apology, both remorseful & sincere.

She assures him of her forgiveness, to try & relieve his guilt,
He assures her of his veracity, so her trust can be rebuilt.

But the beast it has two faces, and the other rears up to cause strife,
Convincing him he's worthless & that he should end his life.

Her attempts to rouse his despondency, are hopelessly in vain,
Helpless to end his misery, her heart overflows with pain.

Void of hope, suffocated by darkness, fog too thick for him to wade through,
The sadness that now overwhelms his heart, causes hers to break in two.

But eventually the beast is suppressed, it's persistent censuring ignored,
His self-worth & contentment, are once again restored.

They are soon empowered, by their dynamic love once more,
Melodic beats now connected their hearts, more united than before.

But the beast is lying dormant, confined only by a medicinal cage,
Stirred by grief & adversity, provoking it's insatiable rage.

The beast's irrational hatred, again takes control of his mind,
And replaces his loving heart, with one callous and unkind.

Filled with ruthless vengeance, intent on destroying their bliss,
The beast erases all his memories of love and happiness.

Feeling so dejected, she prays for tenacity to go on,
For their love created another two hearts, and for them she must remain strong.

Paralysed by the venom in his words, the sparkle in her eyes goes dim,
But fuelled by the virtue of their steadfast love, fortitude rose within.

So war on the scathing beast, staunchly she doth declare,
Hoping her heart has the resilience required & isn't damaged beyond repair.

She knows the beast will be defeated with time, that faith gives her strength,
To feel the warmth of his loving arms, she is willling to go to any length.

The medicinal cage is reinforced, and the beast begins to retreat,
Against the vigor of their love, she knows it can never compete .

Together forever, they are destined to be,
Hence she will never allow the beast to claim victory.

~Rachel Carson.