Lexie

@lexxoxo
Community Voices

I’m Fighting off a Relapse

The prescription bottles in my medicine cabinet are talking to me, my esophagus is craving the burn of alcohol, and every sharp edge gets a little too close to my skin.

The sun is a little too bright, and happiness is a little too sweet. Life is so boring without drugs.

My sobriety clock is haunting me. The numbers are holding me hostage and taunting me. I’m watching the seconds tick time away, counting down to when I lose this battle.

The chips in my drawer are a useless reminder of bad coffee and uncomfortable chairs. The months they represent have lost their meaning. I’d rather use them for poker.

I’m starting to forget why I’m sober. This isn’t what I thought it would be like. Were the nights I can’t remember really so bad? Do I really care about my damaged body? Do I really need any friends and family around to judge me? Was any of this worth it?

I don’t want to relapse… but it feels like everything that’s supposed to help is turning against me.

#AddictionRecovery #Addiction #Depression #Anxiety #Selfharm #OpioidAddiction #AlcoholDependence

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Community Voices

Self reflection

<p>Self reflection</p>
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Community Voices

Like I honestly want to get better and not be so traumatized…but traumatic stuff just keeps happening! And the funny thing is, I’m hyper vigilant to everything around me, yet I can’t stop finding myself experiencing traumatic events.

How am I supposed to recover if new terrible things are always happening?

#CPTSD #Depression #Anxiety #MajorDepressiveDisorder

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Community Voices

Like I honestly want to get better and not be so traumatized…but traumatic stuff just keeps happening! And the funny thing is, I’m hyper vigilant to everything around me, yet I can’t stop finding myself experiencing traumatic events.

How am I supposed to recover if new terrible things are always happening?

#CPTSD #Depression #Anxiety #MajorDepressiveDisorder

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Community Voices

The Holidays are Hard

I lost my cousin two weeks before Christmas two years ago and the holidays are still a rough time for me.

Seeing all the decorations and having everyone else having a good time around me makes her not being here even harder. I think this year it’s hitting me harder but I don’t know why.

I kinda wish there were safe spaces for those of us who find the holidays difficult to hide from it all.

I don’t want to ruin it for everyone else, but I feel so miserable that I’m afraid I might infect the happy people.

So, I hide it. Pretend like it doesn’t bother me. Last year, my therapist told me to put my boyfriend in charge of Christmas since I didn’t feel like celebrating. I guess it was a good idea in theory, but honestly, it makes it worse because I see how excited he is about it, and I just have to smile and go along with it so I don’t ruin it.

Anyone else having a blue Christmas? #Greiving #Depression #Anxiety

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Community Voices

An Open Letter: To my Mom

Dear mom,

I’m forgiving you for an apology that I’ll never get from you and that hurts the most.

I keep trying to forgive you for blaming me, and neglecting my needs. I’m forgiving you for not being there for me and for all the times I cried myself to sleep because of you. I’m forgiving you for making me parent your kids and myself, and take care of you as well.
But it’s so hard when you will never admit that you did those things, or that you were wrong.

Even if you did admit that you were wrong, it wouldn’t do me any good, because I can’t take back all the hurt you’ve caused or the bridges you’ve burned.

I know that you loved me, and that you did the best you could, but it wasn’t good enough. I deserved better, and I still do. But you won’t listen to that, and I know that you will never be able to do better than what you have done.

I’m forgiving you for an apology I will never get. I’m making amends for you, and trying to heal my own heart. I guess it makes sense, since I was my own parent anyways, that I would have to parent myself through adulthood, a time when we should be closer than ever, yet I still find myself walking on eggshells around you.

I’m forgiving you so hard that it hurts. It hurts because you went there. It hurts because of your judgment and rejection. It hurts because I needed you, and you didn’t care. It hurts because you should have been my mom.

I’m forgiving you, and forgiving you, and now im crying through a damn Lumineers song.

But I forgive you, mom.

Because you are my mom. ❤️

#ReactiveAttachmentDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #Anxiety #OpenLetter

Community Voices

My Clean Bill of Health
AKA High Functioning Depression

I’m really not okay mighty people.

I’ve survived two suicide attmepts in 4 months. I didn’t go to the hospital, and I didn’t get help.

I didn’t tell anyone about the first, but the second one happened after my boyfriend and I got into a huge fight. He walked out, and while he was gone, I decided that I couldn’t do it anymore.

When he got home, I was barely conscious, and non responsive. I did come around after awhile, and it was clear that I wasn’t dying, so we decided not to go to the hospital.

I’m suffering today though. Everything hurts and I don’t know how I will go on from here. My boyfriend doesn’t take it seriously. He says since I wasn’t successful it makes him think I wasn’t capable of it.

My boyfriend involved his sister in our argument, so now I’m dealing with his whole family involved in our personal struggles, which isn’t really helping with the stress of everything that’s just happened.

Funny thing is, I was in therapy until January, when my therapist decided that I was fine and closed my file.

I guess I just need to pick up the prices and move on. After all, I’m fine, right? #Depression #Anxiety #suicidal

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Striving for Sobriety

I really need a safe judgmental free zone right now because what I’m going to say is really selfish.

My boyfriend is going for hernia surgery in about a month which is great, and I’m happy about it.

However, in 2009, my grandmother had hernia surgery and was prescribed OxyContin. I was 14 at the time, and I stole her meds and used them to get high, not thinking anything of it. But that was how I got addicted to opiates.

Long story short, I spent the next 3 years addicted to opiates, struggling to make it from one day to the next. Literally, almost killing myself.

I’m 8 years sober now, and I’ve been doing really well, however, I’m worried that after my boyfriend’s surgery, he will bring oxy into our house, and I don’t know if I will be able to stay sober with the temptation.

I know it’s really selfish of me, but I don’t want to lose my sobriety. I’ve worked so hard to get this far, and the best way I’ve stayed sober is by avoiding temptation. I cut off friends and bad influences just to keep opiates away from me, but now, I may not have a choice.

Is there anyone who could give me some advice about how to stay sober in this situation? Or anyone who’s had surgery who could tell me if I should even be worried about opiates being prescribed? #Addiction #Depression #AddictionRecovery

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Community Voices

I can’t sleep. I really just need someone to talk to right now but my boyfirend is fast asleep so I guess whoever makes it to the end of this post is who I’m taking to.

What’s keeping me up is the fact that I lost my cousin not too long ago and it was really awful because it was the result of a medical error.

So basically, long story short is she was sick for awhile, having trouble breathing and had a sore left leg, so much so that she had trouble walking. This went on for months (which I had no idea at the time) and she saw several doctors to see why she wasn’t getting better, but they all claimed if was because of anxiety. They would prescribe her anxiety meds and send her home, but it never helped.

I should add that my cousin was also quite a bit overweight, and so a lot of the doctors used that as a cause as well, or wrote her off entirely. She was also 24 so I kinda wonder if they just didn’t take her seriously because she was young?

Anyways, at one point she even called 911, but when the paramedics showed up, they told her she had anxiety and refused to transport her. Finally, she went to the E.R. Where a doctor diagnosed her with pneumonia. She was there until 3 am, and she even made a post to Instagram about how relived she was to finally know what was wrong, and that she would get better.

She died like two hours after leaving the hospital from an undiagnosed blood clot in her leg. If the doctors had done a simple blood test they could have caught it and she could still be here, but they didn’t.

It kills me, but what do I do about that? Even if I did find some Justice for the mistakes that were made, it wouldn’t bring my cousin back.

So I guess I’ll just stay up and think about it for no good reason other than #Insomnia , #Depression , & #Anxiety

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