Living with constant fear/ (Allergies)
Living in constant fear is exhausting. I'm scared to eat, scared to drink, scared to try on new clothing without washing them a gazillion times. Sometimes there are no known triggers and that's the scariest one of all, when you don't know the cause.
It's become a waiting game. Waiting to see how far the rash will spread or if the swelling will go down. Waiting for that feeling of my throat closing up or my tongue swelling enough to suffocate me. Every meal set before me, every drink I sip, has my heart racing with the fear of "will this be the thing that sets it off?"
I finish my meal and then I wait. Finish my drink, then wait. Slip on that new dress and wait.
And it's not just food. I am literally allergic to the environment in which I exist in. Trees, grass, flowers, dust, salt water etc, even the sun. There is no escape.
Nights are spent in tears and the days, just wishing it would all stop.
I'm done. I've had enough. I want to be adventurous with food again and to stop thinking that everything that I eat will kill me. I want to not have a panic attack because my skin is itching or when a spot suddenly appears from nowhere.
I want to feel normal again.