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Unmotivated Mornings

This morning has been tough… I did not feel like going to school today, so I am just sitting at home feeling VERY unmotivated. I thought I would post on here incase anyone else is experiencing the same (or similar) things as me. Remember that it is totally okay to take a day off, and just just focus on yourself! If all you do today is sit on the couch, I am still proud of you! You’re doing amazing :) #Depression #Unmotivated

Reply with how you’re feeling today! #Support #Friends #Teen

Community Voices

A Day in my Depression

I open my eyes and then close them again. I open them dreading the idea that another day has started yet again. I close them to hide the fact that I needed to get up. I close them, snuggle inside my warm covers and soft pillows brushing away from the day, hiding away from the world, but there is no point in ignoring the reality which is that I needed to leave my bed and start the day.

After an endless discussion with my brain, of being tired & exhausted, to feeling guilty of not getting up, I finally drag myself out of bed and slowly start my usual routine. As I drive to work, I drink my usual coffee which is by now a comfort drink I am consuming too much of.

I arrive work and things start rolling… So does the day… I am all smiles, confident when talking, assertive in making decisions and dealing with every day’s issues that arise. I go back home for lunch, run quickly to eat, clean up, take my coffee again and it is back on the road to work. Afternoons are usually easier than mornings. My energy builds up and I am alert. As I head back home, I contemplate my overwhelming chores, trying hard to prioritize what is important to do and what is not. Do I have enough time to finish my chores? What will I cook for the next day? And I can’t escape the idea of “will I have enough time to get rest”. I am all energy doing my chores, cooking, making sure everything is perfect before I head for my night shower and then snuggle back to those warm covers and soft pillows. And it is then that I enjoy the best part of the day which is reading topics I love, and being alone for this short hour with nothing on my mind but my articles and precious information. And then… I sleep… And it starts all over again.

I take my pills consistently, and I have a healthy diet habit though I was never into the exercise regimen – I always thought it was torture… And still, I feel sometimes I am hit by a debilitating wave and I am overwhelmed with the simplest task. Why aren’t those meds doing their job? Why do I have to suffer this endless pain and helplessness? Behind this seemingly happy face is someone who is lost, hopeless and is sad for no particular reason. God Bless my husband and family who understand my illness, but I cannot keep on complaining and I keep asking myself till when do they have to deal with a useless person like me? Oh the guilt of not being good enough and not doing enough…Of how hard it is to hide all those feelings I constantly have because I hate to see in their eyes pity, and no matter how much they say they understand, no one honestly knows the gut-wrenching ache I have inside.

I fear I will keep living this way and will die this way, not enjoying life and having wasted my precious time being overwhelmed and submitting to those often sleeping spells… I was always depressed. From the time I was a child I remember my first episode was when my nanny left to go back to her country and from then on it was a rollercoaster of being well and depressed until my big breakdown when I was 30. I am now 44. The pills helped and so did therapy. They got me back to work and on my feet but the debilitating feeling never seemed to go away. It keeps popping like those scary clowns I hate, like a dark cloud on a winter day.

I would do anything to have those hard feelings lifted, to throw away those scary thoughts and to stop pretending someone I am not, to just be the happy energized me again. I envy those who are not depressed. They have no idea how lucky & blessed they are. I was usually told and was made to believe that those who have High-Functioning #Depression are the strongest and are resilient people. My therapist told me once how resilient I was but now I just wonder. It is a struggle every single day. It is a marathon I run breathless feeling I will never reach the end of the line.

Still, I keep on going because this is what is meant for us to do. Keep on going…

Najwan Al-Khatib

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