It had been a solid month since I found my significant other cheating on me, both physically and emotionally. He went so far as to get into another living relationship with another woman, telling her that he loved here while he was laying in bed with me.
I loved-love-this man in a way I didn’t know I was capable. He lead me to believe that he was in my corner no matter what, he understood my struggles with treatment resistant depression and, I thought, loved me through that. I showed him my sharp edges and my darkness, which I normally keep guarded, and he said he loved me, my sharp broken pieces and darkness.
I can’t help be feel so foolish for beleiving him. I am humiliated that I gave him all the power to hurt me and stupidly trusted that he wouldn’t. I don’t understand why or how someone could be so crule.
I feel beyond betrayed.
Then I get into my head and start to wonder…
“What is it about me that made it so easy for him to hurt?”
“What’s wrong with me that he felt he needed to go somewhere else?”
And the classic “why is she better than me?”
I want to know these answers. However, I intellectually know that it’s not about me. That when I thought he was getting to know me, he was just finding the parts of me to exploit. That he felt he needed to go somewhere else because he is so insecure he needs as much external validation he can get. Lastly, she isn’t better than me. I mean, she had to be a downgrade, she willingly and stupidly is getting into a relationship that started with him cheating on someone. Even though I know this in my head, I don’t feel it in my heart.
The thing that irks me the most is my reaction. Verbally went for the jugular. I used everything he confided in me about his past, his insecurities and family life and used them against him to hurt him. In a rage black out I said things that I would never deamed of saying to someone. I was mean. Worst, i acted with the intention to hurt him the way he hurt me.
What confuses me the most is that despite the terrible things I said. The betrayal, the web of lies he spun. The hurt and pain he caused, I miss him. I want him in my life still.
I so deeply miss the routine of having someone.
The anger I may still feel doesn’t even begin to touch the sadness that is setting in. I miss him, I miss how I felt with him. I miss feeling safe and wanted. Cared for and loved. I miss caring for him, supporting his Passions and giving my love to him. I miss the part of me the lit up around him.
I know it’s a good thing I found out that he is the cheating type now, and that there are lessons to be learned and all that; but the fact I found out sooner rather than later and that there are lessons to be learned, do not negate the feelings I am having. The impact this betrayal is having on me.
I already struggle deeply with depression, and it’s taken ever fiber of by being not to completely spin out over this. I’m so tired though, I just want to give in.