Unpresent (A poem)
I feel like I’m watching the world
happen around me.
Distant from my body,
leagues and leagues under the black sea
bewildered by the brilliant bioluminous lights. Or
in the cold choke of space,
floating through little diamonds
and pinprick stars. Far.
D i s c o n n e c t e d.
To my abortion,
I still love you.
The suffocating stillness,
my breath catches in my chest.
I feel as though I’m some black hole
where good things go to die.
I did my best with what I had.
Each summer punishes me with grief.
The sweltering heat,
the blistering heartache.
The guilt that guts me like a white-bellied fish.
Cold, slippery intestines in a fisherman’s fist.
I am trying to process.
I am trying to move on.
I am trying.
It is hard to be soft
when you are both
a woman and a grave.
Meatgrinder (A poem)
Fatty white meat.
I want it split
like a smashed pomegranate.
Why would there exist a creature that hates itself?
The viscera, the extra space.
Dough-padded, safely insulated.
Stupid in its raw existence.
Grossly overextending boundaries.
Why does a blood-filled body
feel as though a cage?
home. (A poem)
the sadness always finds a way out.
this time, it leaks from clean slices of skin.
pasty pale bellied skin like deep-sea creature tissue;
sallow, soft, mucosal, maddening.
and this release is not without problems.
blood, that religion of reality, that vibrant
reminder, that bright red banner in the sky,
“Yes, you are indeed real and alive!”
but what happens next?
I crave the warmth that my exsanguination offers,
that ephemeral sense of being whole
as I drain out the sickness.
A sickness that I know,
that I know alone,
and that I’ve always known,
to be that which is
I’m new here!
We’ll kind of new. I redownloaded the app after not using for a while. Hello! I’m a 29 year old phlebotomy student who struggles with some mental health disorders and wishes to connect with other people who can relate. I’m diagnosed with Bipolar II, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety, Dermatillomania, ADD - Inattentive, and I also have a math learning disorder call Dyscalculia. I have struggled extensively with self harm and suicidal ideation, and have had periods of substance abuse. I used to struggle with Anorexia Nervosa but now it’s flipped to Binge Eating disorder. I have experience with being inpatient at psychiatric hospitals and residential eating disorder treatments centers. It’s weird being so transparent and vulnerable with my diagnoses but I hope to find a community here.
#personalitydisorder #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #ADHD #BipolarDepression #BingeEatingDisorder #EatingDisorders #Selfharm #Dyscalculia #SubstanceAbuse #Anxiety #Dermatillomania #Depression
Does anyone else struggle with medicating your ADD/ADHD and bipolar disorder?
I take Abilify and Prozac once daily for my bipolar/borderline disorder and I take Adderall twice daily for my ADD (Inattentive). I’ve come to realize that if I accidentally take my Adderalls too close together it will trigger a manic episode and I’m concerned about this. Am I the only one? #BipolarDisorder #Mania #ADHD