It's all coming down
* This is a long word vomit. I am sorry, but I need this out and my plea for help needs heard. Family just does not get it*
About 5 months ago I took a FMLA break for my mental health from work. My new position along with my recent diagnoses of chronic illnesses was taking its toll on my esteem and work. I put on weight from my new job, was making careless errors, and adjusting to my new normal with meds and rest, and missing my old coworkers from the other shift I was working. After four weeks I was still a mess, and my FMLA was out a week ago. I had to make a decision, and this one was a doosy.
I had to look at my new life and choose weather work could be a part of it anymore. I had been working since I was 14, that's 28 years. I worked full time and carried on getting a masters degree with my husband and three children at home. I have always worked, and when I had to take time off for recovery from surgery I went nuts at the three week mark. Now with my chronic illnesses, depression, and anxiety I must choose. I chose to stay home.
Now I am battling even more. I feel like a failure for not working, I feel worthless because I cannot get out of this, I feel worse cause I gained 40lbs in these 5 months because I cannot motivate to get out of the bed or chair. I feel like I am the worst thing alive because I cannot function like a normal adult should.
My husband says it's ok, my primary doc said take it a little at a time, my psych suggested therapy. Next I am going to my rheumatologist. Last time she harped on the weight I gained from the new job. I'm scared things are going to be worse. I don't want worse, I need better.
My motivation keeps going down each turn. What do you turn to? Does it get better? I'm in a hole and cannot reach the top! I need help.