Ash

@monst3rmomma
28 years old. once postpartum depression set in I became a hermit for 5 years. Letting my mental health deteriorate. When I finally started getting help and getting better I witnessed and help locate a man after being hit by a train on the tracks behind my house. Mechanical loud and sudden noises would destroy my core and I would ???? and sob uncontrollably. Took a month of living like that before realizing that I had ptsd. Now just trying to figure out how to continue on with my life and get back to preforming and being happy again while trying to piece my marriage back together
Community Voices

Let’s talk about tattoos!

<p>Let’s talk about tattoos!</p>
119 people are talking about this
Community Voices

Admit it I'm broken and hiding

it feels like my heart is breaking. we said friends but now I'm just ghosted idk y it hurts so much guess I caught more feelings then I wanted to admit. I miss talking to you. I'm just trying not to break and cry.how do I say I'm demi-poly after 10 years of hiding and not understanding, and not ruin everything I have. but how do I not loose you at the same time. how do I even post or say this. I'm to scared but can't say anything. to anyone.

Community Voices

I hate myself

I hate me. I hate me so much that I know it's the reason I feel physically sick all the time. I want out. It's terrible but it's true. I know we can't fix ourselves when I keep neglecting my own issues so that I can help you. We are poisonous to eachother even tho we don't mean to be. You said I'm your true love and it killed me. I love you, obviously I do, I carried two children for and with you. But something has changed deep in us both. I love who you where back in the beginning, strong, funny, adventurous, and silly. But as much as you try to be the same all I see is this new anger and flame that grew in us both and it scares me all the same. We are trying to make it work and make things change. But here we are again and I'm doing it all the same. Typing out all the thoughts in my brain instead of telling you the truth because I am afraid. Afraid of what it will do to you again. You trusted me to finally tell me what was wrong. That you have been having thoughts to end it all and all I felt was guilt for wanting to get away so I quit my preforming and my new job to stay and keep my eyes on you, even tho I feel like I lied to you. Yes we are in therapy, yes we are pretending to be happy, that we got this far, that we saught out the help that we wanted. But being in the same rut just different ways has been making me so sick that I just cave. I haven't slept in what feels like months. the nausea of holding everything in got me spitting chunks late in the night while you are sleeping next to me. Kids won't back off for a minute so I can breathe. my whole day is just screaming fights between the two kids and myself. nothings getting done and it all goes to hell, then the little bit of time I get after homeschooling and fights on cleaning and cooking super I spend my time cleaning. Cleaning the messes I didn't get to cleaning up after the kids the dogs and me and you. I HATE HOW I feel like I'm dying, I don't regret being with you and having the kids but it's trying, I guess I wasn't ment to be a mother I'm no good at it and it scares me more then it should. Most days I'm crying in my mind wanting to just pack up my things and leave in the night. I know this whole thing sounds terrible, that I am the villain in this tale. That's why I hate myself. Hate myself so much for everything. Enough to just die inside instead of hurting you. Just so that it feels like I can pretend to be the hero you needed from me. Instead of the villain I feel deep inside of me. #Hatemyself #Depression

8 people are talking about this
Community Voices

I hate myself

I hate me. I hate me so much that I know it's the reason I feel physically sick all the time. I want out. It's terrible but it's true. I know we can't fix ourselves when I keep neglecting my own issues so that I can help you. We are poisonous to eachother even tho we don't mean to be. You said I'm your true love and it killed me. I love you, obviously I do, I carried two children for and with you. But something has changed deep in us both. I love who you where back in the beginning, strong, funny, adventurous, and silly. But as much as you try to be the same all I see is this new anger and flame that grew in us both and it scares me all the same. We are trying to make it work and make things change. But here we are again and I'm doing it all the same. Typing out all the thoughts in my brain instead of telling you the truth because I am afraid. Afraid of what it will do to you again. You trusted me to finally tell me what was wrong. That you have been having thoughts to end it all and all I felt was guilt for wanting to get away so I quit my preforming and my new job to stay and keep my eyes on you, even tho I feel like I lied to you. Yes we are in therapy, yes we are pretending to be happy, that we got this far, that we saught out the help that we wanted. But being in the same rut just different ways has been making me so sick that I just cave. I haven't slept in what feels like months. the nausea of holding everything in got me spitting chunks late in the night while you are sleeping next to me. Kids won't back off for a minute so I can breathe. my whole day is just screaming fights between the two kids and myself. nothings getting done and it all goes to hell, then the little bit of time I get after homeschooling and fights on cleaning and cooking super I spend my time cleaning. Cleaning the messes I didn't get to cleaning up after the kids the dogs and me and you. I HATE HOW I feel like I'm dying, I don't regret being with you and having the kids but it's trying, I guess I wasn't ment to be a mother I'm no good at it and it scares me more then it should. Most days I'm crying in my mind wanting to just pack up my things and leave in the night. I know this whole thing sounds terrible, that I am the villain in this tale. That's why I hate myself. Hate myself so much for everything. Enough to just die inside instead of hurting you. Just so that it feels like I can pretend to be the hero you needed from me. Instead of the villain I feel deep inside of me. #Hatemyself #Depression

8 people are talking about this
Community Voices

I hate myself

I hate me. I hate me so much that I know it's the reason I feel physically sick all the time. I want out. It's terrible but it's true. I know we can't fix ourselves when I keep neglecting my own issues so that I can help you. We are poisonous to eachother even tho we don't mean to be. You said I'm your true love and it killed me. I love you, obviously I do, I carried two children for and with you. But something has changed deep in us both. I love who you where back in the beginning, strong, funny, adventurous, and silly. But as much as you try to be the same all I see is this new anger and flame that grew in us both and it scares me all the same. We are trying to make it work and make things change. But here we are again and I'm doing it all the same. Typing out all the thoughts in my brain instead of telling you the truth because I am afraid. Afraid of what it will do to you again. You trusted me to finally tell me what was wrong. That you have been having thoughts to end it all and all I felt was guilt for wanting to get away so I quit my preforming and my new job to stay and keep my eyes on you, even tho I feel like I lied to you. Yes we are in therapy, yes we are pretending to be happy, that we got this far, that we saught out the help that we wanted. But being in the same rut just different ways has been making me so sick that I just cave. I haven't slept in what feels like months. the nausea of holding everything in got me spitting chunks late in the night while you are sleeping next to me. Kids won't back off for a minute so I can breathe. my whole day is just screaming fights between the two kids and myself. nothings getting done and it all goes to hell, then the little bit of time I get after homeschooling and fights on cleaning and cooking super I spend my time cleaning. Cleaning the messes I didn't get to cleaning up after the kids the dogs and me and you. I HATE HOW I feel like I'm dying, I don't regret being with you and having the kids but it's trying, I guess I wasn't ment to be a mother I'm no good at it and it scares me more then it should. Most days I'm crying in my mind wanting to just pack up my things and leave in the night. I know this whole thing sounds terrible, that I am the villain in this tale. That's why I hate myself. Hate myself so much for everything. Enough to just die inside instead of hurting you. Just so that it feels like I can pretend to be the hero you needed from me. Instead of the villain I feel deep inside of me. #Hatemyself #Depression

8 people are talking about this
Community Voices

I hate myself

I hate me. I hate me so much that I know it's the reason I feel physically sick all the time. I want out. It's terrible but it's true. I know we can't fix ourselves when I keep neglecting my own issues so that I can help you. We are poisonous to eachother even tho we don't mean to be. You said I'm your true love and it killed me. I love you, obviously I do, I carried two children for and with you. But something has changed deep in us both. I love who you where back in the beginning, strong, funny, adventurous, and silly. But as much as you try to be the same all I see is this new anger and flame that grew in us both and it scares me all the same. We are trying to make it work and make things change. But here we are again and I'm doing it all the same. Typing out all the thoughts in my brain instead of telling you the truth because I am afraid. Afraid of what it will do to you again. You trusted me to finally tell me what was wrong. That you have been having thoughts to end it all and all I felt was guilt for wanting to get away so I quit my preforming and my new job to stay and keep my eyes on you, even tho I feel like I lied to you. Yes we are in therapy, yes we are pretending to be happy, that we got this far, that we saught out the help that we wanted. But being in the same rut just different ways has been making me so sick that I just cave. I haven't slept in what feels like months. the nausea of holding everything in got me spitting chunks late in the night while you are sleeping next to me. Kids won't back off for a minute so I can breathe. my whole day is just screaming fights between the two kids and myself. nothings getting done and it all goes to hell, then the little bit of time I get after homeschooling and fights on cleaning and cooking super I spend my time cleaning. Cleaning the messes I didn't get to cleaning up after the kids the dogs and me and you. I HATE HOW I feel like I'm dying, I don't regret being with you and having the kids but it's trying, I guess I wasn't ment to be a mother I'm no good at it and it scares me more then it should. Most days I'm crying in my mind wanting to just pack up my things and leave in the night. I know this whole thing sounds terrible, that I am the villain in this tale. That's why I hate myself. Hate myself so much for everything. Enough to just die inside instead of hurting you. Just so that it feels like I can pretend to be the hero you needed from me. Instead of the villain I feel deep inside of me. #Hatemyself #Depression

8 people are talking about this
Community Voices

I hate myself

I hate me. I hate me so much that I know it's the reason I feel physically sick all the time. I want out. It's terrible but it's true. I know we can't fix ourselves when I keep neglecting my own issues so that I can help you. We are poisonous to eachother even tho we don't mean to be. You said I'm your true love and it killed me. I love you, obviously I do, I carried two children for and with you. But something has changed deep in us both. I love who you where back in the beginning, strong, funny, adventurous, and silly. But as much as you try to be the same all I see is this new anger and flame that grew in us both and it scares me all the same. We are trying to make it work and make things change. But here we are again and I'm doing it all the same. Typing out all the thoughts in my brain instead of telling you the truth because I am afraid. Afraid of what it will do to you again. You trusted me to finally tell me what was wrong. That you have been having thoughts to end it all and all I felt was guilt for wanting to get away so I quit my preforming and my new job to stay and keep my eyes on you, even tho I feel like I lied to you. Yes we are in therapy, yes we are pretending to be happy, that we got this far, that we saught out the help that we wanted. But being in the same rut just different ways has been making me so sick that I just cave. I haven't slept in what feels like months. the nausea of holding everything in got me spitting chunks late in the night while you are sleeping next to me. Kids won't back off for a minute so I can breathe. my whole day is just screaming fights between the two kids and myself. nothings getting done and it all goes to hell, then the little bit of time I get after homeschooling and fights on cleaning and cooking super I spend my time cleaning. Cleaning the messes I didn't get to cleaning up after the kids the dogs and me and you. I HATE HOW I feel like I'm dying, I don't regret being with you and having the kids but it's trying, I guess I wasn't ment to be a mother I'm no good at it and it scares me more then it should. Most days I'm crying in my mind wanting to just pack up my things and leave in the night. I know this whole thing sounds terrible, that I am the villain in this tale. That's why I hate myself. Hate myself so much for everything. Enough to just die inside instead of hurting you. Just so that it feels like I can pretend to be the hero you needed from me. Instead of the villain I feel deep inside of me. #Hatemyself #Depression

8 people are talking about this
Community Voices

I'm new here and I'm tired

Iv been spending so much time since learning about my mental health issues trying to help and express to other people who need help. I'm pushing out all my good #empathetic energy to my S.O cuz he is having just so much issues and stress that I can't find a way to recharge anymore... I'm just so tired and its making me physically sick... I have given up so much for him and our kids that I can't even look at them without overlapping pain.. iv quit a job I liked to homeschool my girls during the pandemic.. and now no matter how much I apply I can't find another job..... I have given up on an unpaid internship of my dreams because the distance and gas prices were making my S.O stressed out about money... I recently just dropped out of my preforming group cuz I can't commit the time now that my S.O said he has been having suicidal thoughts......

And I'm just so tired...
So tired of being the one that gives up everything...
So tired of just being the parent with no other personality.....
So tired of not sleeping because of all the thoughts in my head......
So tired of being in pain.... #justtired #sotired

2 people are talking about this
Community Voices

Quite is my enemy

I'm sitting here and I'm sinking. I'm waiting for you to reach out to me. Iv more then said I'm having a hard time. But my phone is staying quite. There is so much noise around me, but inside my head it's quite. And it hurts. I am constantly surrounded by the pets and my kids and even you when your home, but still I can't feel. All I have is a sense of aloneness. I feel like I'm begging for your attention, for praise, for you wanting to do anything with me besides sit in the house trapped in your own head and silence. We have both changed so much in the years I don't think we can emotionally connect anymore. Where is the person I used to walk across town in the poring rain with just for an adventure. The person who drove down random back roads to get lost and not care. Or walk around parks and ponds in the dark with me... I know I changed too, for a long time I was a diffent person, still am a different person I guess. Maybe that's why we can't connect anymore, we are different people now and..... I don't know if I like the new people we are.

Community Voices

I'm new here and I'm tired

Iv been spending so much time since learning about my mental health issues trying to help and express to other people who need help. I'm pushing out all my good #empathetic energy to my S.O cuz he is having just so much issues and stress that I can't find a way to recharge anymore... I'm just so tired and its making me physically sick... I have given up so much for him and our kids that I can't even look at them without overlapping pain.. iv quit a job I liked to homeschool my girls during the pandemic.. and now no matter how much I apply I can't find another job..... I have given up on an unpaid internship of my dreams because the distance and gas prices were making my S.O stressed out about money... I recently just dropped out of my preforming group cuz I can't commit the time now that my S.O said he has been having suicidal thoughts......

And I'm just so tired...
So tired of being the one that gives up everything...
So tired of just being the parent with no other personality.....
So tired of not sleeping because of all the thoughts in my head......
So tired of being in pain.... #justtired #sotired

2 people are talking about this