He Who Made Me Stronger
He Who Made Me Stronger
In the chaos; run to him, not from him.
The Metamorphosis of Me
The first thing I ever did was transition.
Womb to world.
Embryonic sac to earthly air.
How then, if transitioning was the first thing I ever
accomplished as a human being, has it become a breeding ground for self-destruction?
A few weeks ago, when I commented to my mother that I
hate transitions she calmly placed down the coffee she was drinking and said,
“Honey, life is full of transitions. Transitions happen every day, all the
And that got me thinking;
This woman could not be more right.
I wake up and go from bed to bathroom.
I go from car to work
Lunch to dinner
Table to chair.
practice, moment after moment, shifting from one thing to the next. Each shift,
however small, requires some sort of effort, some degree of clarity and
determination to move from Task A to Task B. In Eating Disorder recovery, it is
taught that you must start small. Take one task and practice it at every moment
of every day until it becomes easier. Once you have created a tool box of
skills to use when small hills arise, you will be better equipped to handle the
mountains. So why then, after twenty-one years of practicing “little
transitions,” do I struggle so greatly with the larger ones? What is it about
them that scares my brain; the very brain that’s job, when put in a sentence,
is to aid the body through transitions? After studying my mind and spirit as it
ebbs and flows through the changing seasons of my days, I have come to find
some sort of closure when it comes to answering this question:
Transitions equate to fear and a lack of self-trust.
think of a transition (as a person who suffers from cognitive distortions- my
favorite being “catastrophizing”) I picture the ground of the earth splitting
across in many layers as an earthquake hits. In this scenario, the earth, the
foundation, is ripped apart and I am not able to hold my own ground. I fall
into the earth, crumble alongside the rocks and let the transition take me
I get scared.
And fear is paralyzing.
When larger transitions are presented, I look to my
that feels “safe” and known to grasp onto as I move through it. But after repeating this process time and
time again, I am exhausted. I am tired of being afraid keep me from owning my
transitions and the vulnerability it awakens within me.
So, I have decided to prepare for the earthquake.
And when it comes I plan to do as such:
1. I will stand up.
When I foresee a transition coming my way, I will take a
breath. I will stand over the earth below me and make a conscious choice to
stand still. Instead of watching the emotions of fear and anxiety latch onto me
and allowing them to burrow in for winter, I will tell them firmly that this
Inn is closed.
This decision to look at feelings as visitors will create
space for me to decide whether their feedback is necessary in how I decide to
take care of myself as the transition plays out.
2. I will gather support.
After surveying the visitors that wish to sit at my
breakfast table and watch the show, I will open up to my supports and let them
know that I am feeling a little more raw than usual. I will allow others to
hold me, encourage me and stand behind me. Asking for help is often mis-viewed
as a weakness but Rome, America, and even you and I, were not built and shaped
alone. We need meaningful connections to process, grow and move through life.
3. I will be gentle with myself.
With my army behind me, I will look at my heart in the
mirror and cradle it. I will observe gently the thoughts and emotions that come
as I shift positions in life and I will trust that I am capable of braving this
storm. I will bring forth the thousands of other times before this where I did
not hesitate to move. I will practice gratitude towards my mind’s response to
fear. I will remind myself that even though I feel like I cannot proceed
without caution, I am fully capable of taking the reins and deciding who I want
in the arena with me when I need feedback and support (shutout to Brene Brown).
I will forgive the stumbling, the slip-ups and tip overs because I know that anything
worth fighting for rarely follows a linear path.
4. I will get curious.
Now that I have found my footing, I will survey my
environment, my response to it changing and I will ask a plethora of questions.
I will get excited about what this change will grow within me. So often I allow
the fact that I label transitions as “bad,” to create a place for a
black and white response; but I am a colorful person. I want transitions to
elicit curiosity, tenacity, authenticity and a space for me to be
unapologetically human- alive and exposed. I want every transition I undergo
moving forward to be a Baptism; a renewal of my strength and ability to turn to
my anxieties and say, ” I got this,” and gently shut the door on them
as they search for another Inn to wreak havoc on.
5. I will make it to the other side.
I will cross over the bridge, walk across that water, and
sit on the sand just in time for the sunset to settle in. After the transitory
period has passed and the dust has settled, I will marvel at the new pieces
within me that have grown because of this change. I will say, “thank
you,” to the Universe, my supports, and my body for carrying me through
yet another sea-change.
And just like that I will keep moving.
From exposed to vulnerable
Black and white, to grey
Me, to a stronger, more fearless version of myself.
#dailyaffirmation : Today, I will be kinder to myself.
I want to start something new, and I'd love for you to join me.
Living with a #MentalHealth struggle such as #Depression or #Anxiety , it can be so easy to fall into the same routine day after day, listening to the same dark thoughts and believing they are the truth.
I posted yesterday about feeling like I am unloved and unwanted by friends. Today, with this in mind, I want to try to be kinder to myself. I want to challenge the lies my #MentalIllness tells me and generally be kinder, more patient and more understanding with myself and the ways I struggle. I'd love for you to join me on this journey.
Later, be sure to #CheckInWithMe on that hashtag to see how today went. Be sure to post your own #dailyaffirmation in the morning, and a #CheckInWithMe in the evening updating us on your progress. We've got this, Mighty family!
“ Do you have a search warrant?”
And when I ask this, what I mean is:
Spent the past 10 years of your life fighting with this body?
Did you run it during cross country season so hard that your heart almost gave out?
Did you starve it?
Cut the word “fat” into its stomach when you were 14?
Did you take its fingers and shove them down its throat to undo what you had done wrong?
Did you feel the NG tube forcefully slide down its throat and wrestle with the fact that you had no control over the way your body was changing because of it?
Did you binge eat it into a 30 pound weight gain?
Did YOU look in the mirror and decide enough was enough?
Did you stop bingeing and purging and starving yourself?
Did you learn to re-wire your brain, listen to the cries of this body and answer regardless of how you felt?
DO you wake up every morning and make the conscious choice to love it because for so long you hated it?
Do you sit with it’s softness, build its strength like a Jenga tower and love it back to life as if it’s the only thing on your “To-Do,” list?
The answer, young man,
And because this empire I have been busy breaking down, rebuilding and shaping into something new has been done without your touch,
You need to step away.
Ask permission to marvel because this body does not take lightly to new visitors.
If I have not been clear enough, I will hang a sign above it’s doorway:
As I try to begin writing this thought/post, I couldn’t even come up with a decent title. Tells you how deep anxiety goes when you can’t even write a title for your thoughts. But still here I am writing a post, my first post/thought.
I’ve been dealing with anxiety all my life but I never knew what it was until I was in graduate school. I thought I always always weird or just someone who talks way too much. But then feel like why did I say all of that stuff, especially to people I don’t know. Or, why do I try so hard to interact with people and/or like me. That’s when I found out, I have social anxiety and just in general. I’ve probably tossed away relationships and friendships without realizing it. But, I try to not let it control me. Don’t get me wrong, some days are worse than others. But, I try to start each day like a new one and try to control my while it doesn’t control me. My goal I guess now in life is to just be there for others who suffer as well and just lend an ear and let them know that “hey! I deal with this too! How can I be there for you?” Just being able to listen and understand what that person is dealing with can help in so many ways. That’s why I think I need to start just advocating that mental illness is not something to belittle or throw away, it’s something we as humans deal with. I also want to be there for others in a big way as well and just open something, a FB Page, a website, or something just to be there for people that I know personally, or someone who’s looking for help. To me, my isn’t who I am, but it’s apart of me and just something I have to overcome. But I know one thing is for sure, it won’t control my life or my destiny #Anxiety #OvercomeAnxity